I have been enjoying these days. Sometimes i fall short to my situations. Sometimes i fall captive to past. My past will never hold me down, but will over and over again try to. I have found joy in my walk, but was forgetting the "Wow factor" of why i walk.
I remember how last year, i was reading the book of Job over and over, trying to understand my situation through Job's situation. Job had lost so much of his life, but continued to have faith in God. The pressure did build up in Job and He lost hope, yet he was in the mist of other believers to remind him of his identity. In the end God remind Job of his glory. I took me 3 months to understand this in the mist of hardest times; i too was loosing faith, but something told me to hold on. I could not grasp the concept that God created the Earth, the moon, the stars and planets. That God created Heaven and Earth. That He brought the smallest of molecules together to make life. That He would make life to be what it was always meant to be. Its amazing how He is so big and does so much, yet i can be afraid of Him not supporting me. That i can lose belief that His Son cannot deal with my so called," big problems or troubles".
It is easy to fall into deep pride or fall into deep discouragement. It is easy to think life is meaningless. It happens in a second. How quickly our body responds to its surroundings, yet to God's Love, we want to react slowly, in fear that how can it be possible to trust in the unseen. After watching the Book of Eli, i was reminded, of how i should be walking in my walk of burning passion. I know i will face storms, face trials, face the devil himself, but whom do i belong to? The God of the universe spoke of the Savior so many times and He has come for my ransom, thats whom i belong to.
When we are driven by fears we often cant explain our behavior. I cant explain it. I just make a fool of myself. My greatest weakness is relationships. Never had one and in the past pushed many times for one. All that happened was scars and deep regrets. Now i have the best relationship and i know Jesus is trying to bring me to become the best man, father, husband, and caregiver that i can be. Today's societal standards are so broken. I mean do i want to have my children grow up in a broken family? Do i want my wife to suspect me of cheating? Do i want to relate my wife to my past relationships because she cannot satisfy me like the others? Yeah it sounds out of this world, but if you truly see where i am coming from, it makes sense. My family is not perfect, but i know that similar situations have made me to realize that i know there is importance to this part of life. I was fearful of this type of life style, but everyday i grow stronger and know that i should not fear these troubles of tomorrow. I should fear my God for having control of my today, for He makes paths visible. People and even i, fear getting broken. Its the bodies self defense to be anxious, to worry, to just react in thoughts. This fear sometimes consumes to a point which you lose yourself to the things you feared most.
I guess i am some what fearing right now. Its not like in the past, full of fear, but it is present. That is why i wrote last night about asking what should i do in my situation. Its still in me. Its this constant battle. Its my hearts desire to seek Christ Love, yet the fears of my past hunt my today and corrupt my thoughts of tomorrow. Above all Christ is all the remains. Hearing other peoples stories i know what i write is similar to other peoples stories or situations.
I know God is trying to show me something, yet do i have the eyes to see and the ears to hear? Do i have the heart to let Him in, thinking i know best? I will i react to my situation? Will i become captive? Will i try to be prideful? Will i try to push? Will i try to walk it alone? Or will i be patient, be humble, be caring, be on my knees in petition and prayer? He has brought me out of many chains. Will i try to drag myself into new ones? Is it worth the trouble in my walk? See i have so many questions and shows how in one night of journaling can be different than of the next. If seconds change a person's thoughts imagine hours, days, weeks and even years. Many times this is how habits are brought forth. I admit one day i write one way and another day is the opposite, but this is my struggle to hold on. To be able to have this burning passion keep stirring. It says in the Bible that it is dangerous to be lukeworm and trust me it is, so rather be up and down, but not in the middle.
I want to be the best man Christ and make me become. I have dreams. I have hopes. I have the will to live a praise worthy life. I want to pursue Him, but its an everyday battle. 24/7. Everyday i must remind myself that He is more than life. That i must stand by everything He says. That when i make a promise i make sure i keep it. That i reflect His heart for i Love Him. Then when i become discourage i fall back on his Word. I fall back to His Love. That i fall back to my knees and into His arms. Things perish but He wont. He is the same yesterday, today and forever. For me, i am not. Thats why i need to get my eyes of myself and look to the cross, for He took my shame, my doubts, my sin, my foolishness, my inequities, all of me, for He is my deliverer. Nothing else will do.
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