Countdown

Father, Savior, Redeemer. I need your grace in which i can also receive wisdom for today and tomorrow. Lord i hope and pray that you guide me and the leaders. Be our strength and be our source of light. I do not know how things will work out, but let us enjoy this journey that is set before us, but within your love. Lord i ask for every possible strength and that even the day/night are in your hands. That you will make it your night and not ours. I am still not sure if as a leader and as a human if i am not stepping into your premises, but i rather just stay where i am needed to be at and just let you be the person who you are. That what Lord i like that song so much because you are who you are, never changing, and like how i do not like people changing or if i cannot see myself changing, you never change. Thank you for be the one to be the same as yesterday, today, and forever.

A Mess Of Me

Praise night was awesome, i actually enjoyed praising, i enjoyed doing what i wish to do Lord, just praise him. Yet, there was so much emptiness, so much anger, so much thoughts running parallel with me that night. No one will understand fully except you Lord. I find it stupid that i have become like this, but it bugs me. It bugs me to think that i am alone every where i walk. I stand alone. People may say things, but truly i am alone physically. No one understands, but you. Ever since high school i was that quiet yet talk-able person, but at the end of the day it was just me. I could never find my place. I was always running from my problems and i was good at it, so good i did not feel pain. I would never have a set pair of friends, i would never have a set family to live with, i would never see light in my life that was cover by games, drugs, and just what ever i did. I remember i would just always go to Garrett's house to not go home when i was in late elementary and junior high. Then when i was younger i moved so much, went from one school to another, to this apartment to that apartment while my mom only took care of me. Thats why i love her so much, but i get mad at her for stupid reasons, but i wish i didnt. I wish i didnt. High school i made friends, but never had a true set of friends. I did not know who i was. I even lost my best friend at that time Garrett for the stupid life of being Chicano. Then late high school i just still didnt know who i was. I would hang out with derek and the guys, yet hangout with the asians. I would go home and find myself just doing hw and playing games. Then i liked two girls on my whole high school years and both fucked me over. Both made the worst scars. On top of that i never had a relationship, because i was shy, but i did go out with people, but i was always picky. Then end of high school i like two girls at my church. One was quite, one was some whats open like me. But i liked the one i knew first, who was quiet. But deep down something told me hey dude look at her she is everything you want. I even spent time with her somewhat and she spoke me out of my painful hardships. Doing drugs was painful. It somewhat feels the same as what i am feeling right now, but its different. My senior was full of pains. FULL. I wish i could have not went to prom, i wish i could have took Sunyoung. I wish i could have saved money and bought me a nice car, i wish i could have gone to a UC, i wish i could have not done drugs, i wish my dad and mom truly separated and not move back together, i wish i couldnt have been a pussy and do things right, i wish i could have just died then. Now i live with those consequences. Some have become good some have become worse. Some have impacted my career some have impacted my heart. Some have impacted my personality some have impacted my faith. I find myself struggling to find myself again. These past four months have been hell, but i never relied so much on Christ. I feel like i want to move to another state or country and start a new. I want to leave my problems at home, i want to leave the church that brings me love, yet hate. I want to let go of my thoughts of her and everyone that i put so much effort to care for and just care for myself or find people who understand me. I know it wont solve problems, but what does or what can besides Christ. How do you know what is true for that situation, the bible speaks over many ways to overcome, but then some instances are just over lapping and make it difficult to know what is right and when Satan is getting you twisted in the Word. Then i know i help Andy out, but truly i dont and truly i can understand him, but he cant towards me. I can talk to anyone and just get words of not understanding, but i can understand them. I do not know what to think about it, but just it feels like curse upon me and a blessing for others. I feel as if i look at the Word of Christ so abstract, when i shouldnt. I shouldnt say hey if i have faith he will walk me through. True, but what do i learn in that walk. To just think abstract? To just say hey i can get through this some time, just walk with out looking at the details on the road. What good is it to drive on the road, yet not see the scenery or go camping to fish, yet not stop and see the sky at night. Look at my dad he could have gotten a prosthetic for his leg, but instead he ran away from the painful learning and keep his leg which then has brought him longer pain that he hoped to not have and is continuing to kill him. As i saw Neto in the bed, i hope to never see my dad like that during this time, cuz i would go nuts. Truly, because i love him to death, but man he so hard headed and hard hearted which has made me to dislike him in so many different ways. I care my whole family and hope to see them grow in Christ too, but man the distance between us is far. This is why i feel so distant from everyone. Then at church i feel as if i go to be comforted, but partially. Then i go to run from problems, yet some are there too. Then im not korean. Then i do not have family there. Then i expect to be treated like family, but its never always like that especially with those who i wish did. Then i find myself being torn apart inside to the max. I do not know why i have this so hard and why it really has not been healed, but been cut open more. I keep falling, but harder. Yet i hope i am landing on you Lord. I hope that if people read this, that no matter how painful i may sound or stupid, i still have this hope you are who you are. Thats why i like that song from Desperation Band "Who You Are". Cuz you are God. Sorry i was saying the stupidest things i could have ever said. Anger is hard to control when you are pressed on all sides. Pressure needs to be released. Rather have you take it than others. See again i care for people, but what the hell i take it from them all the time. I try not to be mean, try not to be rude, hard-headed, hard-hearted. I try to look from their eyes cuz we need to at humans. I do not want people to be saying things if i pass away. I do not want people to hate each other, i do not want people to jump to conclusion, i do not want this war that Satan would want to see. I would rather have everyone say what did we do wrong in which he was aiming for. I was aiming for Christ Love. I was aiming to see others pains in Christ eyes. I was aiming to be patient. I was aiming to not be jealous. I was aiming to not fail. I was aiming to not be envious. I was aiming to not be angry. I was aiming to see Christ. For he never fails. I was aiming to have people see the Christ love in me. I was aiming to find someone who could have understood me, better than anyone else, but not higher than Christ. I was looking for the best in people. Thats why when i see Justin mad or tired i feel funny, because i do not know him like that. Then when i see andy or steven do something, i feel like i should do something about it. Then when i see the other kids, i just wish i knew how to talk to them. Then she is the hardest, cuz i feel when she goes through something and can see it. I feel as if i can relate, but ever since i went wrong, i lost the person which i thought i was close to. Every time i feel this emptiness, yet if i see her happy i am glad to see that more than myself being happy. She has it tough and thats what makes me patient and knowing that when i get jealous, sad, angry, or happy at her, it feels like it means something. I feel this so much for everyone. The only people in my life that are see the most are Church and home. So why shouldnt i feel like this. If someone thinks i am weird, guess what i do not make friends at school, i do not have free time to do as i please, i only got those things i see. For example i got to Pure on weds nights. Its great, but its empty without my church members or family. I love everyone. I care for everyone. So be happy too. Christ is good. I know deep down my heart says to say that. Once again sorry Lord. For i am a mess, but you are not. Make me pure. Make me like Gold. Make me white as snow as well as everyone i care for. I am not mad at anyone. Just hope i did something different. As of right now thats what i feel. I do have some happy moments with everyone and i remember them. I truly enjoyed what is of my life, cuz i grew closer to Christ, but the cost is heavy, its hard, and i expect know one to just have it quickly, getting closer to God is just beyond comprehension, but it is possible. Life is to short to not let Christ in. We need him. I thanks Justin, Nicole, JDSN, Sunyoung, Steven and others for teaching me or sharing with me something that is amazing.

Lord, My Goliath Is Facing Me

Man too much has gone through my head Lord. First i want to start off tonight with a plea for the forgiveness of my sins, for i fall short. Lord after listening to Shane talk, i guess i have to stop being scared. I know i should rely on you, but then that comes at a cost and i guess my situation is that i do not like it and honestly i do not like my situation. I feel as the curse is long and painful, but then what does it mean to carry the cross? Lord help to me to understand you and your love. I guess thats why i need to be patient in everything i do and surely i need to not be envious. Thats been a killer lately every once in a while. As i see the meeting grow at Chaffey, i am glad, but then growth comes with a cost and i am praying for Sunyoung to be able to take it. I feel like this is a deja-vu from my freshmen year at Chaffey. Things flowed with trials here and there, but at the end of the school year everything fell apart. So as the meeting grows Lord, that i will not be scared to face Goliath, because Lord i sure do hope it works. I am only human. Like David he just hoped, because to have faith is tough. It is going to get tough for her so i pray for her and everyone else that i know. Help me to understand Chris more as well. I got to believe in you. I have to, because there has to be reasons and you are good. I must stand up and take up my cross, if it brings pain, then i guess ill have to face it and cry out more. It hurts. I will say, it hurts. This last year has been painful. I cannot pray right Lord, because i have been praying for a year for this one prayer, so i just give my heart and tears. Love is patient, so ill guess i learn to be. I look to you as my role model, but help me because i do not just want to watch living a third-person faith, but a first-person faith. Lord Lord Lord. GUIDE ME. I will keeping trying to let go of everything, but please take me, even if it hurts my worldly flesh, mind, and heart. I must rely on you. You are good. I must fall on my knees, my face, and just let you take my heart and tears. Be my role model.

This Weird Feeling

To My Uncle Neto

Neto was always that guy to crack jokes and put smiles on faces. Always saying "looka here" or "in your mouth". Like everyone explained yesterday he could be serious but then loving and cheerful, i guess it runs in the Madrid blood. I remember the time that my cousin David and i where fighting when we were young. Neto grab us and said to kneel down on the floor and hold dictionaries in both hands. The first to drop would get it. When our mothers came to get us they laughed while we was crying and complaining. He would make a serious situation in to one that was always funny. That was him. Then he would always take my sister to Food 4 less and show her a bottle of raisins and tell her it was cucarachas, scaring her to eat raisins and just laugh at her, that we her Pocahontas since she loved her at the time. I remember all the time we went camping, went to laughlin, thanksgiving, christmas and the times to just go eat dinner. One of his favorite places was Steirs n Steins. He would always get his big steak. He loved steak, especially Medians steak. I guess thats where some of us in the family love to just eat steak. He had the compassion of being a father, brother, husband and friend, but he was ready to be a grandpa. When Alena was born, it brought him so much joy. For alena that was her Tata. But one thing that seized to amaze me was how Neot and her would always walk in to there kitchen and saying good morning or hello to Jesus, in the picture of the last supper. She would give Jesus a kiss. He loved Jesus a lot. Although he might have not showed it much, as many of us do, he desired the Love of a Savior. Even my baby cousin at the age of 2 understands this. That is Love, every single one of us has this. So let me remind you what the love is. First i will start in 1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 and apostle paul writes " If i have the gifts of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. If i give all i possessions to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing." Neto had love. Many of you said he was a working man and i believe a working man enjoys work if he loves life. Then others said he was "the brain". Well let me tell you, a smart person cannot handle knowledge without being humble and loving. Neto loved others, he loved his family, and loves His Savior. I will continue with verse 4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Everything that Apostle Paul talks about here is tough to keep, but as sinners it is our Christ personality to love. Neto always protected his family, Neto always loved his family, he never kept the records of wrongs, he always rejoiced in truthful thoughts. He always hoped for the best and he never let go. Thats Love. I will finish with my last personal experience that i had with him. I always wanted to see my uncle and talk to him in the hospital, but some how i was always speechless. I even told Henry can i pray with your dad, but for 2 weeks i found myself just being speechless and standing there. I bet he thought dude cmon man just speak up im the same Neto you know. So the day that he left to be with Christ, i arrived to the hospital early. When you know that you have strength to accomplish anything, you know its not of human strength, but the strength of Christ. I finally had the time to pray with him. I was alone with him. I started to talk to him and tell him that Jesus does love you, that he is strength, that he will always protect, that he has forgiven your sins. I remember just seeing the look in his face, it was not of frustration, but of tears of love. Instead of crying because he was crying, my heart and holy spirit told me to be joyful, for he understood the love of a Savior, for he understood that his family will be protected by someone even greater than him, Jesus. The Love of Christ will always protect, when the fires consume you, you will not be burnt, when the river's current is strong, you will not be swept away, for the power of Love will never fail. So today was we remember Neto, remember what Love means. Remember what our Savior Jesus did for us on the cross. Remember that Jesus is Love, for Love is truth, and truth is hope, and hope is faith. For our family is a family of faith. Look at huge our family is, there has to be something that we are doing right, but have to be continue-sly reminded of. We have to remember to Love unconditionally, as Jesus said. He said this was the greatest commandment, to love your God your Father with all your heart and strength, and the second greatest commandment was to love others. If you ever get the chance to read these passages on your own. Fill in Jesus for the word Love. Thats how powerful his word is. Nothing but his Blood, will make us whole, nothing but his blood will make us white as snow. Jesus is love and Neto is with him. Thank you.