An Endless Battle

I recently went to Arizona for a mission trip. I desperately needed a reminder of who i was. I left school to find myself lost at home. I thought my Father in heaven was a formula that generated answers at will. Sadly i was lost. My family was lost. Our mission field is not just the places where people are poor or in the mist of idols, but even our households.

My parents are struggling with past events and are bringing up everything. I was filled with angry towards my mom, but i could not yell at her because i knew better and that her sin was the thing to be angry at. It made me hurt inside to see my dad be so vulnerable. Being the Father in my very first blogs, i would never care for my dad as i do now. My dad has grown so much in Christ ever since he accepted the end of last year. My dad is on a journey that only him and the Lord are facing. My dad is meant to be the leader of this family. The Lord is reaching toward his heart. I for myself have been glad for this but it is difficult to see my family now have to battle.

For myself i came clean with my parents to give them hope that i am full of sin too. I told them that i to submit myself to pornography once in a great while. I am not ashamed of this because my Father has been giving me strength to open new doors and close old ones. 99% of men in america are addicted to the must revenue media industry in this generation. If i an going to shine a light i will do so. I have been on the battle since two years again and have fallen and have taken big steps. I know a group of guys that are in the same boat as me and looking to the Father for the grace to overcome this huge sin in many ways.

I want to honor my wife. I want to show her that with the Father grace i can love you as he has loved me. It is not easy in this generation, but i will continue to look up. I know a lot that my hunger for finally finding the right person in life allows me to fall into pornography. I know sometimes it allows me to make stupid judgments, but i am learning so much right now. Currently there are two girls that are on my mind. I know i cannot stay forever in the situation as well like the first half of this year chase where i cannot chase. I am hoping for the right person. I hope i find her soon. It is hard being in this state. In either way both mean a lot and both i have known for a long time. I must be in prayer, have faith and know my Father's promises.

First Week Back Home

This has been one tough week back home. From day one i had lost faith, i had flash backs of my past and continuously struggle to push back thoughts. I feel straight into sin. I had my flesh rule. I had been at boot camp with the Lord all semester, yet as soon as i stepped on to the battle field i fell in to the enemies lies. I realized how blessed the environment of a Christian community is, because once i stepped into the world i fell into it. Temptation is knocking on my flesh, my thoughts want to run the race, my blood rushes with impurity and lust.

I need the Lords grace everyday. Truly i can say that the verse i read last month was powerful, but why do i hold on to it so much thinking it can last. The Lord has so much more to share, i got caught up in what i wanted. I lost focus of enjoying all His Word. The Word is my daily bread such as mana was the daily meal for the Israelites in the desert. I was trying so hard to make a schedule, when my Father is more than a formula. I was trying to play the game as if i knew what i was doing, on top of that its not even a game, this is a race.

My Faith had been rocked. Satan tried to hard to grab a hold of me and still is attacking, but i want my Savior. Ever day and night i come to conclusion of His general and special revelation. It was by Faith that i walked through the desert and it was by Faith that even believers before me pressed into the King of kings. My Savior is not just the potter that works for clay, but is the potter that works from nothing, for he calls things by His Word.

Father, Christ, and Holy Spirit. I lack Faith still because of my sinful nature. I do not want to act according to my flesh, but by the spirit. My my heart true and in tune to your will. I have faith in that. I have faith that i will be able to listen, yet the situation i plan to face is cloudy. Is that wrong? I have no idea. Christ, you have shown me this week i am full of stuff from my past that i thought was gone. I may feel ready to date again and find someone in my life, but who? Where? Did i miss something i could not see? Is the person i am going to confront needed to be confronted? It is a funny subject, but you know this is one huge piece of my heart. I have seen people this past week come with so many problems and i have only spoke what i know is true from your Word, yet when it comes to myself i feel like i might be to selfish. I want to be humble and have your rule my heart and over this flesh. My flesh is dead, yet your bring life to my spirit. Guide me Father. Guide me Savior. Keep your promise of the Holy Spirit, because i am surely going to be waiting. I LOVE YOU!!! YOU NEVER LET ME GO!!!