This Month

I find myself reflecting how this month has gone by. I believe it has been the most challenging due to keeping my relationship with Christ and in keeping my life busy with the world. The first part if the month was full of studying, full of catching up, full of problems, and just life throwing things one by one. In that moment their was no excuse to rely on Christ and just keep searching for him in the mist of it all. I was able to stand in my day with confidence of Him being one with me. It hurts to face things, but some how it feels good to know He is in control. After finals i went straight into relax mood. I had nothing to worry about besides the problems at home and within myself. I felt less busy and by that felt less need for my Savior. I felt less involved in taking on the challenges of the world, by that needing to be less involved with Christ. I don't know if its just me, but when somethings in your daily habits change it feels awkward. It feels like you walk knowing something was once what it was, now its grown to something new. Not saying its bad nor good, but when it comes down to having daily or weekly habits with Christ and things change, its so hard to find yourself in the mist of the weather change. Its as the weather we are recently having, one day its hot and then the next its cold, when we are expecting summer to be already here. One night i was out at my friends house and as i was on the roof staring into the night sky with a full moon, i felt like i was missing a piece of me. I looked at the moon thinking wow surely someone big may have made this, but who? O yea my Lord. Then once again during this Sunday, Pastor talked about the nature around us and i was just amazed, yet felt less dependent every moment of my day. Yes, their are times i cry out to him, but its not like before when it was walking to class, driving my car, eating at subway, and studying at starbucks. Things happen in a blink, in a flash, in a second the things that are important and you tried to hold on to tight become different. None of this is bad, but when we forget how we got to where we are, then some where along that path we lost the meaning of reflection. Reflection of how much our Savior has brought out of sinful nature into his arms. Its only been 2 weeks since school ended, but it feel like an eternity that i have focused on Him for my whole day. Now im busy trying to spend time with friends, playing games, playing sports, watching netflix, and i will honestly say drink sometimes at night with friends. Yea it is fun, but i find myself thinking, "oh how much miss seeing You in the mist of the daily challenges at school and just being alone in this world". I know my chains are gone, but i have not stopped until today to just reflect on this month. So much has happened with my relationship with Christ in both good and bad ways. Like the weather we are having right now, its weird because we are use to the heat everyday and expect it, but i has not been like that. So i do not know what my point is, but all i know is that do not let this summer ruin what you have gain or ruin what has been already done. Its just best to reflect this past school year or semester and think about what has happened with Christ in the middle of it all. For example i forgot that my prayer in the beginning of this month was to truly trust Christ, but in the mist of my change i lost it. I lost a lot of what was my connection to Christ and lost my drive to call out to him. So tonight before i go to bed i pray that i will not lose what i have gained and be thankful. But above all i pray that he will lead me and everyone, because surely i cannot lead myself and right now i am seeing that. I hate having a logical and thoughtful mind because it toys with my emotions like a tug of war game. So yea i guess thats where wisdom and love is needed from Chirst. Glad Jenny is their to talk about her Proverb verses. It something that i need sometimes. In the end it always comes back to the word. So just dont lose that guys. Hope i said somethings right in the mist of my sleepiness.

My Heart

Only You Father can keep me walking, breathing and standing. I do not know how to live with out Your love. I guess i do not know what to do with my family and i thought henry and the rest of the family would be ok, but even them i see the hurt. Man Lord what do i do? I want to act, but i cant. It is only of your will that i can just do things. Its if my heart wants to act, but instead i see myself acting without your green light. I see that i have messed up, i am chasing a dream that should not be chased and it kills me. I see my family and the pain is beyond words. The wind blows and i sway. The sea is rushing with strength and is just overcoming. I find myself so speechless and tired. I do not know what i want truly and i do not know what to feel. I am tired of chasing these dreams and i am tired of trying to see good in people that cannot be good. I am full of thoughts and i cam full of shame. I feel like my heart is struggling to survive. please keep my heart alive. I am nothing in this world. It is meaningless to just survive and live this world. It is ridiculous how it is. I want to be who you call me to be, but i am dieing. I am being suffocated. It is as if death is reigning in my family. Where are you?? Why is it so hard to trust you and feel you? Why do you do this Jesus. Please just come and hold me. I need a Father. I need one. I need love...

What do i make of it?

Lord it is now the end of my semester and yet something tells me that i should not be slacking, that i should not lose focus. I and in a tense situation in which i am glad to rest and so on, but first i wish to spend time this summer with her and then spend time with you. I cannot see myself survive this summer without your loving hand being the center of it all. I cannot enjoy my break with myself leading it and i cannot be in the mist of what is going to happen at home without you near. Lord i ask you as a servant that you would take my prayers to the Father and ask for grace. Jesus only you are my master and only you can be my lawyer to the Father. Lead me Lord and guide me. I see no future without the love from you. I am not sad, but i feel this deep crunch that things could become hard this summer. The fact that my family is planning to separate, the fact that i have to help my mom and that money will be tight, the fact that i will need to apply for other schools, the fact that need to do my church leadership roles, the fact that i wish to spend time with...., the fact that i need to spend time with you and just rely on you. So much is about to happen and i ask that, Master please see me as your child that needs the Love of a Father. That needs the guidance of a Father. That needs the financial support of a Father. That needs the wisdom of a Father. That needs the time of a Father. That needs the patience of a Father, that needs the understanding of a Father, that needs the strength of a Father. Lord i need a Father, i need you to be with me. I feel that i need u in this moment. Be my center and guide me in the moment of every moment. What should i make of it? How should i see my situation in your eyes? I need a Father...

Lead Me 4

Christ it is true. I cannot find myself to trust you in such a way that it is a known feeling to not doubt. I do not know if it is my thoughts that make me think that i am not trusting you or if it is real. It is hard to control my emotions and thoughts because they are my worse enemy. They come like the robber at night. They are so smooth to enter in my life and just destroy what you have done. Lord i am not prefect, but you are. As a believer i ask to be your servant, but only by grace. Lord i ask that you teach me and guide me. I ask that i do not commit the wrong doings with the person whom i wish to be guided to. I have failed in the past, but i believe it was of your doing to make me stronger. I do not know when this will end, but help me to not fail again if by your grace. Help me to see the situation with your eyes and so i can rejoice and be the light that you speak of in your word. I use to think i was working hard to get to you, but now i see its not that i work hard, but i give up and just let you be my savior when i cannot act, see, do, or just live. You say to not live on bread alone, but the word and i believe you Jesus. You accepted everyone, yet you was pushed away and even told the word to your own people, yet they cannot listen. I feel like that at times, but i go back to you, but in the word. Lord my situation is in your hands, but do not let me screw up in the moment of emotions or thoughts. Guide them in a way, but still its by grace and i do not know if i should do what i am going to do. I wish for you to guide me, but the word does not directly say he stop or go. So whatever i do let it be controlled by you. I ask of you to take my request to the father. I ask you redeemer that you ask the father for support. That you ask the father to grant me mercy. If you ask the judge to provide wisdom by grace and most of all Love. I guess what i am saying Christ is that i trust you because you are my master in a sense that guides, but does not bring the trials along and but the father does. I do not know if that just my small human mind thinking to your almighty ways, but yea its just dumb. But in the end it is hard to trust, yet i see you as my only hope and way. Everything is in your hands Jesus. I ask that you ask the father to grant grace and love. I am sorry for everything, but thank you for be my life. Thank you for being something tangible and being my everything especially the creator of love. Thank you Savior.

Lead Me 3

First this song is on, Blink and the first line Lord i want to start off my prayer, by saying teach me to number my days. Umm Lord, i do not understand why i feel like i do just by watching this anime, but i think i am reminded on how i use to look at situations like that. Toradora is one good anime. But still on subject, i now understand that as i was running to find love, i would always come to you asking for advice, asking for strength, asking for wisdom, crying out to you, yelling at you, forgetting you, and everything. Yet it was you that would be there in a flash and just hold me tight. You in a sense was always happy to leave your house open for me, you are always ready to cook up the food(the Word) with the right ingredients and just feed me what i need. I do love you Christ, but it is still hard to trust you. I do not want to be saying i trust you in this joyful moment, but would rather say, i am glad that i can run to you. I guess what i mean is that i am still afraid on how you will answer and not give me what my flesh desires. I have so much to learn and will not know everything, even till the day i die. You come everyday in my life, but i still lose you. I wish to hold my identity strong within you. I love you and i hope to share this with the World. I do not know how you will use me, but help me to number my days, help me to trust you, and above all help me to understand you ways of guiding me. As your son, it is easy for me to get angry at you hitting me and taking away my toys, but father can you explain to me in the simplest of ways of why you do that. I am just a child. I try to call you all the time, but my prayers are not always true, or they are true, but are mixed with thoughts. I do get tired of how my life is, i do get scared of how my situation are, i do doubt myself and above that i doubt you, i do lose myself a lot. I do not what to think of her now, but all i can say if i liked her i would be shy and if i disliked her i would not know what to say. So thats it. I feel that the situation that was hard and painful for me was a blessing to grow in you Christ. I sure do u here my prayer. But in the end it was worth it. Its my own testimony to how i knew a girl that God used, to make a man out of a boy in many ways. I am glad she is in my life now matter the situation. No matter. I already had every feeling felt from her, but it was all from you. Truly it was.

Lead Me 2

Father when i ask you to Lead Me, i truly do not know what i mean by that. This way of thinking is difficult, because i want to focus on you only, but its hard, because of the physical. I ask you Lord, by your commandments that i will use them as a sense of fear to love and know Your glory. I am chasing two dreams right now that seem so far to accomplish or even one is so clouded that i find it hard to see how i will even make it. You know how much i crave this situation, but i cannot do this alone and do this correct. I truly do not understand to trust You. What is this fear of not fearing You? I mean that would be one way of putting into words. I find it so difficult to trust, when i know you have answered before. I guess truly there wont ever be a situation in which i will never doubt you. Do you think i doubt you? Or is it that i dont doubt, but rather over think and let my emotions and weaknesses eat me? You know my heart Lord. It is twisted but there is something that tells me to be focused on you. I guess thats why i am not alright. I am lost in my thoughts and my failures. I need you to lead me Lord, but my heart feels so weird to ask you. I do not know Lord. I like to be lead by You, but then i find it so difficult to understand my thoughts and heart. I am not alright Lord and i am broken. I will never be completed until you come and fill me fully. I thank you for just being the Loving(and everything that falls under love) Father, Brother, God, Savior, Healer, Christ. I would not know where i would be without you. I wouldnt understand your Love and the purpose you give us in this life. I love you Lord and find it so though to know what that means. I tell myself this, but man. I do i do it? I do i see it that i do not lose focus completely? I know i will lose it, but help me deal with that when i lose it. Help me deal with that fact when i am down, that you will comfort me. Help me to trust you in the most difficult parts of my life. Help me to be patient where i am not. Help me not be jealous when i am? Help me fallow you and your laws. Help me be the light that shines from you. Help me be led by you. Help me. Help me. Show me. Guide me. Teach me. Be gentle Lord. Be aware of my heart and how much it is willing to blow into stupidity and into satan's hands, when you are more powerful. Lead me. Lead my family. Lead my church. Lead my friends. Lead my love one's. Lead my hopes. Lead my dreams. Lead my hands. Lead my words. Lead my life. Lead my world. Lead it Christ. Be the Leader of what is Yours, but help me understand. Please. Amen.

My Exodus

Father. Savior. I see my situation a bit better, yet i truly do not understand how to let go. I find it hard to be satisfied in this world yet by you. Lord you are my redeemer and bring hope into my life, but i think i have been scared of my situation and find myself not trusting you. It is difficult Lord to just trust you, because i am afraid that i will not get what i want, but i know you know better than what my heart ask for. In this time guide me to let go of my situations in a way that will be patient and understanding. Man i find this so hard to do because i do not know how to perceive it. Nicole was write in what she had said today. I need to let you just be the one in charge. I have to trust you, because if i do my testimony will be one of not of my intentions by of your will. This will strengthen me in my relationship with you and will also help others. When i heard the message last week i did not know how to view it. I was scared and was anxious for answers, but you continue to speak in the message and through the people i care for. I must be really stupid for truly not seeing things in your hands, but you are always faithful. I am alone in the world physically, because no matter what i try to fill in my heart, it will not be perfect because you are the key. Savior, please help me to just let go. Help me to trust in your love. Help me to see the situations in which i am not tricked by satan. As in psalm 67, i want to tell the world to praise the God who is loving, because of the situations you have made things happen in a way which you are faithful, understanding, and loving. I find it funny how much i have been blind, but i must not let it go. I can not let go of this prayer topic. I must focus on it and not drift into the mist of the situation. Also guide my prayers in which they are truthful from my heart and will not distract me from you, but rather rely on you to be trust worthy. You are the Christ who saves. You are the light in which you shine in my darkness. You guide me when i try and fail. Lord help me to overcome this big picture situation in which i will find rest in you alone. Can you see how much i am willing in my heart. My flesh is so corrupted and blocks my heart. Everyday i find so much strength in you, but in the mist of it all i find it hard to truly trust you, i find it difficult, but i keep running to you in all different ways. I love you Father. I love you in a sense when i fell mad at you i know it is for the best. Thanks Lord for being my Remedy. Thanks for being my life. Thanks for being in me. Thanks for being my everything and my creator. Help me trust you. Thats my prayer. Help me trust you.

Lead Me

I cannot stand Lord. I am falling so hard my heart is burning for answers and pain. I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to see. I do not know what i tell myself inside. I feel so num. I feel so not me. I feel like i lost myself in this chaos. What do i do? After reading what i wrote last time I sound so done. I sound so pathetic. Like Shane mentioned last night we can say we have experienced you, but why do we lose it? Can a situation that we experience in you really fly away. Lord. MAN. PLEASE. STOP AND SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK. I AM HERE TOO. I am so selfish, but i need my savior. I need my savior. I need my life back. Not in a way that i commit sin, but in a way that i enjoy everyday. That i know my experiences are from you. Show me the way. Lead me and save me. I cannot stand.

Remember

Today Lord you say to remember the time you took me out of my slavery. Deuteronomy 6. I must not forget the times you remind me of how you are. Lord Jesus thanks for be patient because i am not. I still struggle with my sin and with my identity. Help me to enjoy this desert that i am in. Im glad my darkness helps others Lord, but i know i sound selfish, but when will you finally lead me to my prayer being answered in a way that i know it is your answer and that i would be so grateful that i will just thank you and not fall into chaos. You drive the thoughts of doubt, you refresh my heart with life. Time and time again i become the person i am inside, the person of sin. It will never leave me until you bless me with the grace. I chose to follow you, although i complain. Lord in all my situation and the one that has been in front of me for a while, i will saw how? When? Where? The other such as why and what i can understand. But the how seems to impossible. The when tells me that i should be anxious and not fail as i did before. The where is how do i know where you are leading me and not my sinful nature. As i read Your Word and you said to not forget and that you will bring your children in to the prosperous land after the test of our hearts. I believe you, but the fear is that i am not doing something right and i lose you in my desires. That why i try to make my thoughts and desire related to you and if you support it i will fallow you with your will. As i was reading the song Savior, Please was turned on and what are those chances on pandora. So yea. REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!