Psalm 119: Beth

ב Beth

⁹ How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
¹² Praise be to you, LORD;
teach me your decrees.
¹³ With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
¹⁶ I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

The first verse of the passage is a prayer topic that I have held on to for sometime, “How can a young man keep his way pure and righteous before you?”

The Word, the commands of the Lord are living making one’s heart pure.

Daily there is a battle between our hearts and the snake hiding within our hearts. There is this fight that causes one’s heart to seek purity and direction. I asked myself a lot if my thoughts are righteous. I tend to over reflect a lot and my anxiety can pull me down quickly during trials; nevertheless, I have this seeking heart.

The passage strongly starts with a seeking of the heart’s purity. The Psalmist understood that the Lord is relational and that all strong relationships start from the heart. By reading the Word of God and holding to his commands, one’s heart will build a strong relationship with the Lord. By growing in relationship with God’s heart, our hearts hold dear to His truth. The Lord’s truth digs itself deep in our hearts in which it grows to become the reminder of our identity in Christ.

The teaching of God’s Word towards our hearts is the Psalmist prayer, for what we hear and read becomes apart of our lips. I enjoy the passage in which it speaks, “with my lips I recount all the laws that came from your mouth.” After all the words and songs I hear about our God, it becomes apart of me. I cannot grasp the concept, yet it is something I rejoice to. Even the Psalmist is amazed by this concept that the verse calls it “riches” and only one’s heart can only rejoice for such magnitude. Knowing that there is an infinite foundation of riches in God, meditation is our source of protection designed for our hearts that seek purity. The Word is active and living. Many times, it is easy to miss the point, but in meditation, our hearts are able to consider the Lord’s ways. Over time the wonders of God are deeply rooted having our hearts deciding to not neglect the Word.

By creating a big idea statement, my heart was looking for God’s teaching and not my own selfish wanting of what the passage can offer. I cannot say that I never look towards the Word with a selfish heart, but by creating a wider passage, I have a foundation on mediating God’s word.

I enjoy Psalms a lot and have read the Message Version to look deeper into what the Psalmist’s hearts are conveying. I can say I learned a new tool to mediate on the Word, in which I can have a one on one connection with the Lord. I truly have this hard time understanding my anxiety and my constantly running mind. I got to trust what I cannot see and not let it get over my head. I want to dwell more in the riches on my Savior in which I can become pure. Where I can not neglect the Spirit and view the relationship as more that anything the world can offer. I have been so overwhelm at Biola and in my life, I some how am able to find peace. I cannot explain it, but I believe it’s the constant diving into the Word with a hungry heart. The power of the Word and the commands of our loving God are infinite. I specifically want to hold on to the Word and Christ’s heart, in which He opens my heart to more of Him having my heart grow purer than gold.

Its Been Sometime...

...I haven't really found the time to just sit and reflect on life. I mean i find myself in the mist of the ever chaotic world. I feel as if it is hard to stand, yet i am not the great at standing in life. I some what do better when i back down and just know i am not strong to take on daily struggles. I mean i do write but its more for class and my readings. I am debating if i should post those up, yet are they truly intentioned to be apart of my writings?

Well yesterday the bubble burst. I could not hold on to what i was thinking was best for me. I had to let go and realize that i needed to be humble. I mean i am in a school that enjoy. I have met some awesome people yet, i was stretching myself so much for four bible classes and still driving home mon-wed and the weekends. I mean its overwhelming, yet being taught at a young age, i need to work hard, put all effort in, yet i also learned to be on my knees. So i guess i forgot the reason why i live and why i am in the situation im in. I have walked through the valley of death and i understood that i had to let Christ be apart of me. I mean my situations are so tiny to Christ, yet its so easy to think that our problems are bigger. I mean it is conception of fear that Satan allowed through the fall to have us, as God's creation, forget that the only thing we need to fear is God himself for His Word is beyond our comprehension.

So i had to drop my New Testament class. I had to tell my tutor that i can only drive back home monday and tuesday because i need to set up boundaries for myself as well. I mean i wear myself out so many times due to my nature of being so humble and conforming to peoples motives or wantings. I mean i was becoming so thin in my ability to take on my days. I need to relax and just live knowing my two goals.

Well yesterday i was shot in my pride, but i mean i am pretty much ahead in somethings, so why keep rushing. Thank you Lord for breaking me down and having me understand were the pain was coming from. I still have to take on things, but its a bit lighter now. Only through you i can stand.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

Psalm 40:2 NLT

Without You, I am Nothing

Father, Christ, can I understand what You are awakening in me?

Father it is by Your will that things are spoken into light and I just watch as darkness fades. I hear Your voice as I am convicted of my sins. I am seeking Your Love in all situations, for its You that pulled me from the valley of death. I thank You for showing me Philippians 2 as well as John 21.

I can relate to both passages today. First, it is out of this world that three times this week I heard about John 21 and how You asked Peter, “Do you love Me?” Especially last night at college service I was just speechless and knew that my mind and heart wanted to clash, but the sense of peace overcame all that junk. I felt last night while reflecting, as You were present in all my situations and my darkness in the past, I would have to be asked the same question as Peter. It is in these times that I was united closer to Your Love. It brings me a sense of hope, joy, peace, and truth of what Your all about. I still lack much, but as Your word says in Philippians, “if I have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from His Love, if any fellowship with the Spirit if any tenderness and compassion,” then I must consider others. I feel like I am being humble once again to the next level and as I continue to write I feel like weeping for all that I am is nothing without You. I find myself falling on my knees continuously. I just ask myself do I truly Love You and also my prayer before entering Biola, do I Trust You?

Looking back at this passage I feel like my heart is being convicted of following the Greatest Commandments. I feel as I cannot run for I have a Love that I will not find else where as well I have seen Christ be apart of me and my life. No matter how much I seek Christ’s heart through my own situations, I will not really find it, for it is in others that Christ shines too. By me not being selfish and looking for the interest of others, I can understand one more drop of Christ’s ocean size heart. It is by being one body and present for each other Christ opens up the heavens to break away chains of His bride. I know that by following His Love I can become more humble and understand that being humiliated also causes others to feel purpose. It is Christ heart to see His creation as equal, and by being humble and humiliated, it strips away any pride and boasting in which shines Christ’s heart and not mine. By this type of grace, we become the shining stars that Paul and Timothy write to the Philippians. By carrying my cross, I know it will encourage others to do the same and raise people back to life and awaken the heart.

I believe that Christ has put it in my heart to share what I have been gone through in life. That in my testimony is Christ’s story alive in me. In my daily life, I need to take the time to stop and realize that the world needs to hear the Love that opened up my eyes. I was planning to attending a $700 Jesus Culture conference with my friends this year, but I feel Christ is calling me to drop the thoughts of myself and finally see more of Him through people. I am saving money for a mission trip with my church and having my dorm mates collect bottles and cans throughout the semester to help support this new journey this summer. Although to bring this world to life, it starts with my heart understanding Christ’s heart and then living everyday as if the mission field is now. It is Him, Christ Jesus, that called me to life from the depth and it is time to follow.

To Be Loved

Love is a word that this world so easily desires to use for personal gain. The word love is tainted by today’s culture, yet Christ has revealed to me much more. Easily I tried to find love within video games, family, school, drugs, and women; I truly sought to find love every where I went. One thing though caught my eye in the mist of my stormy life. Jesus Christ revealed to me His love. I cannot place mere human words to describe this feeling, but I felt it. Christ drew near to me in the mist of life struggles and pulled me to His vast love. I was knocking, seeking, asking and Christ heard me, such as Matthew 7:7 speaks about.

By knowing deep inside my heart that Christ died for my sins, I experienced His Salvation. At first I was taught that I was saved, yet I took it literally and not to heart. Mind and heart have two different connections of understanding of what truth is; on the other hand, every night I cried myself to sleep struggling to accept this truth. I received God’s Grace when I picked up the book of Job. However, the book of Job is not an easy book to read as a new believer for its so much wisdom to be consumed. Here I stood before Christ asking why? I wanted to know why God allowed Satan to wrestle with Job. I hated the fact that if God was good, He, the one who created me, would allow Satan to toy with me. I read the book of Job three times for four months and finally realized that He loves us so much that He would bless us with much, that He would trust us so much to let Satan try to take us, that He would be forever patient, that in the end His creation would be forever loved; His love will never fail. God so loved us that He created the moon, the stars, the seven oceans, the animals, the mountains, everything, for He called everything to be what He said to be.

I learned so much from Job, yet I bet I missed so many key details that will only be revealed to me when the time is right. I knew that by God showing His love through Job, Christ would even show more. I then read the Gospels to understand Christ heart for ministry, people, the broken, the hurt, the shameful, and the sinners, everyone that is born into Sin. Reading consumed my heart in which it was opened more for people and ministry. I gained wisdom of what good are it to be filled with much Grace, to then not act upon the Words truth. God so loved the world that He allowed His beloved Son to die on the cross. John 3:16 is a powerful passage to hold on to, for all Christians and Non-Christians have heard this Scripture. This passage from John supports our Great Commission to tell the world who Christ is and why He died for our lives, such as it says in Matthew 28. This Scripture has impacted me so much that I cannot walk without Christ, as well cannot be still in my faith; I need to go full speed for Him. Currently I am seeking to comprehend this concept of moving without fearing and asking the Holy Spirit to direct me.

In the beginning I was not alright, I was of the world. I went to Catholic school and church, but I only knew Christ literally. While in high school, I was drawn to hear Christ’s voice in the mist of my life as a young teenager. I thought my life was perfect, I would play games, go to school, try to seek personal acceptance, asked for everything I wanted, and just lived while the problems before me grew. Junior year was the year of great distress. The growth of my Sin and the Sin of my family had grown to the point in which it would give birth. Figuratively birth is a painful process and I do not know this personally, but I took on the full force of what was coming to me.

After accepting Christ at a Korean Church towards the end of my junior year, my life went into a downward spiral. I fell into major depression, anxiety, loneliness, drugs, alcohol, and self pleasure. I remember how much the word “love” meant to me, but I was in the middle of a colossal storm. I grew at a church in which I would be painfully tested, culturally, emotionally, and spiritually; nevertheless, I was always drawn towards my home church. Painfully, I found myself wanting to run for everything, I wanted to take my life for my family was broken, my dad was biggest enemy, my life was empty, my guilt consumed me, my desires drove me, my lost identity separated me; I was in the valley of death for a long three years. Everyday I cried at school, on the bus, walking to work, at church, in my own room at night, I just found myself so low that the importance of people’s judgment did not matter.

Looking back, I do not know the depths of my tears, for that’s how much I longed and cried for Christ. The water of my own tears became rivers that felt as if they were sweeping over me, yet I fought in prayer for I had hope.

The time I was reading Job, I was holding on to 1 Corinthians 13 for strength and reminder of why Christ loved me. I literally fought myself, my heart, my mind, my soul, and my Savior. I learned that He was patient for me, I realized that His love was kind, I pictured that my redeemer was not easily angered, I viewed the depiction that my Creator keeps no record of wrongs, I held on to the hope that my Healer rejoices in truth. I some how knew that my Father saw my storms at night, that He would turn my dark into light, that what ever I sought to fulfill me would never satisfy, that He would calm my heart, mind, and soul in the painful valley. I looked at Psalm 88, viewing my life in the same position that David found himself in while traveling with God. Reading the Book of Psalms, I knew I had this crying hope every day that I was being heard.

The song “Who You Are” by Desperation Band, was, is, and will be forever the song that I remind myself of Christ. This song became my battle cry throughout my days and nights while I was in the mist of everything. I found myself having to fall asleep with the song on repeat and waking up to it every morning. I now sleep with Christian music every night, for it’s a way of bring me peace and joy. I believe that Christ called Himself to me by His love and by His portrayal of who He is. Some how by traveling through the deepest valley I realized I was called to be a child of Christ and that He so loved me so as to He felt, viewed, and heard every inch of pain.

Just as recently at four months ago, I found myself in a whole new world. I may feel like I am not in a desert currently, but I walk with so much faith in my Love, I will try to put my trust in Him through all situations. Note though that I said the word “try”, for it is not easy for even me to fathom the seasons and put full trust in Him. Everyday I long to read the Word, everyday I long to listen to Christian music, everyday I long to worship, have fellowship, and just share the same ministry Christ has revealed to me. I actively attend church, have prayer groups, meet new people, seek His heart and read the Word. I do not know exactly how to place the words of how Christ is continually shaping my heart to conform His image, but I know that He now consumes my heart. I know I am picking up speed in my walk and learning to rely on Him more, but I am as human as everyone else. I will fall, I will bear bad fruit, and I will enter a new desert in my life. For this reason, I enjoy reading Isaiah 43, in which I will be forever in His grasp.

Last night I and a group of my college group friends went to a special place for worship, fellowship, and prayer. In the mist of the cold air, there was this warmth as well overlooked the city I grew up in. It was just amazing, I mean imaging view the city from above. It is chaotic, it is ever moving at the speed the world wishes it to be and Satan is behind all of it. I remember being up there, thinking with everyone how awesome it is to give up all our worries, concerns, and petitions to our God. For it feels awesome to stop trying to tag along with the swiftness of the world, and to just be reminded that our days are numbered and that we have our God waiting for the knocking on the door. Although this was awesome for us, each person had a common heart for everyone down in the city. Yes, it may be awesome to have this time with Christ, but it hurts to see everyone unsatisfied, lost, hurt, and most of all without a Savior. I believe the love Christ has shown me and this generation is ready to shine. I feel on fire for Christ, for I may not be the best, His love does not match such requirements of the world. The days of trials will come but I will overcome and build perseverance that only faith can produce such as it says in James 1. I will take up my cross and follow where ever Christ asks me to go. I seek truth by falling on my knees and knowing everything is from Him.

Joining

I understand how beautiful the cross, I understand how much He loves me. Took me over three years of my walk to truly understand my identity, but I know from the beginning that He has called me to “follow” Him. Why do I know this? My heart has always fought and wrestled with Christ and I feel like I really did. I cried my way to sleep many times and would actually give Him all my anger, rage, hurt, pain, desires, feelings, just everything. I walked the valley of death. Just writing about it and thinking about it hurts me and makes me tear up, because I felt like I died. Everything was gone and in the end, it was Him. I told my self that soon I will live, that one day my Savoir will truly give me the life I have been given and go beyond religion and just love Him.

I think I have obeyed His call, because I truly cannot leave Him. I have grown to think about Him constantly, that I find myself acting like King David and Peter. I just cannot old my passion and yet other times I fall knowing that I need Christ to lift me out of the waters. I have not taught myself to truly memorize His word, but I always carry my Bible and know where to look for support while evangelizing. I love to read my Bible and journal, yet coming to Biola I believe that I am growing in a whole new way. I do replicate His lifestyle, yet I still have my sinful nature and will fall. I am not a perfect being, but I am in a relationship with Christ, in which He will teach me and guide me throughout my whole life.

Who Has, Is, and Will Love Me

How is it that I will truly understand your heart?

Many times, I reflect on how Christ took a wreck like me and showed me a piece of His love. His love truly did pull me from the depths of hell. I look at my life and I can say I was crucified with Christ, for now I live a new life of faith, hope, and love. I believe I will be crucified again for I may have different situations that lead me to grow in His heart.

I do not know or understand how Christ will continue to change me, but everyday I think about how I will truly understand Christ’s heart. Everyday is a battle to break of pieces of my old self. Before I accepted Christ, I had major depression and an identity crisis. I did not think when I was in my freshmen year of high school I would be broken in some way during my high school years. I thought that I could overcome any situation, but in the end, I fell into world.

Accepting Christ was a great experience, yet no one told me that my life would be full of trials. All I heard is that my world will be rocked and will be forever changed. Weeks later, I fell even harder, the presence of drugs and alcohol threw my life in to the valley of death. My valley of death lasted three years, yet every night I fought with my mind, heart, and soul. I cried out so much to Christ and I knew I had fallen so low in all parts of my life. I could not shake the feeling that I was in His arms. I knew that I was more than the choices I had made and the problems I created. It was never about what I had done, but it was about what He had done for me. I knew I was remade, I knew inside that, Christ lives in me.

Paul’s opposition towards Peter reminds me of myself, in which I was a Galatian coming to Christ. I accepted at a Korean Presbyterian church, yet in everything, I was still lost in my identity. Culturally I was not meant to fit in, at the same time I was struggling to see who was in me and the eyes of people. I have never read this passage, but I understand what Paul is addressing in Galatians 2: 11-21. Paul understood that it is not the laws, the culture, or the differences in people that matter, but the fact that all “faith is in the Son of God”, who loves and saves.

Currently I go to two churches and the atmospheres are opposite to one another; nevertheless, looking at this passage, do I truly act upon what Paul addresses. In a sense, do I have a duty at my first church? Does the fact of race and culture truly apply? How is it that I will truly understand and share that love with others? I think I have personally overcome this fathom, in which many churches as a whole cannot see such wisdom, in which my home church, Step with Christ Church, is battling to understand. Christ called us to love and share the ministry of His heart to others. I have always battle my mind, heart and soul at church. I have felt both ends of the spectrum. At times I feel solo, others I feel alive in community. One thing I understand is that my home church and my current church, Water of Life, look for Christ’s heart, but in some aspects can only get a bottle full of water from the seven oceans of His love.

Both churches I go to, is no greater than that of the other, for we are one body; yet, the laws get the way, the leaders try to seek self righteousness, the community likes to view what can be comfortable and in the process, we forget Christ’s heart. Truly, there is the sense of pride and surely, this was not meant to be. I believe this is not what Christ saw in His bride, the church, and He spoke to Paul in a sense to remind Peter of Christ Kingdom. It means to carry Christ compassion, to be the hands and feet, to go beyond religion, and see what is unseen. It says in Galatians 2: 21, “I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Truly, righteousness is given by Christ’s love and heart, in which I have felt and seen.

"Are you open to the possibility that there is one who created you to be who you are and calls you to be who he alone knows you can be? Then listen to Jesus of Nazareth and his two words that changed the world-'Follow me.'"

-Os Guinness

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." Galatians 2:20

The Fear of...

The Fear of being alone is always a fight. I am not alone, but i do feel the seasons changing and i am trying to adjust to it. I am not sure what to feel, but the past few days i have been able to just think like i use to. The ability to drive long distances is great, but then becomes a burden. Yet i look back and i am able to spend quiet time with my Savior. I just think, talk, and pray for many things. Feelings fly and emotions are falling from me into a raging sea. I am not sure what i feel, but i know it feels weird being twenty years old and just think so care fear. Living on campus is fun, but it is easy to become care fear and just think for yourself. I mean i have always provided for myself and has always gave effort to support my family. Now i really do not have much to support. I feel as if i need to. As a man i need to be caring and supporting to someone or at most family. As a man i am seeing how much i need to start my life, that my parents and other family members will not be the support for my failures too. That as a man, as a future father i will make mistakes and need to accept them. That in this life i will walk the street empty handed sometime. Its not the matter of if, but when. I feel this push on my heart that this life style is not for me. I mean i have been working since i was 16 and have always worked hard to get things done and i thank my dad for pushing me. I have become a man of get integrity. I take also Christ for showing me so much. I thank my mom for being the financial support most of my life. But i feel as if my parents are to focus on themselves and each other while i got to walk alone and have Christ watch over me. He has been there so many times, i got to look back at my past to have me be reminded of my journey. I have this fear, but i got to walk forward. I got to be a man. I got to see my faults and strengths. Its scary because we live in a generation that is not use to failing, when failing makes a person rich and full. I thought today as i was driving, how each i can be swept from this world, how fragile i am, and how i am walking without family somewhat currently. I just cannot seem to be fond of this lifestyle. I really need to be working and moving, i cannot let life race by while i sit. Same time i am use to supporting myself.

I ask that Christ i will enjoy this season with You. I have met many new people and i am involve with many things, but i am not fully fund of this lifestyle. I have this drive to keep moving. I do not know what i mean, but i know You understand me. Hear me. I ask that You make a way where i cannot. My heart is fragile and i ask that You keep it tight in Your hands. I ask to keep my family in Your hands. I ask that You hear our prayers. I know You listen, but You shape our situations for more than we can ever think of. I ask to also hear my prayers for everyone else that i do not forget to pray for. That You will also be the guide in there lives. That You alone stir up there hearts and show much You are God, Life, Love, Strength, Joy, Hope and everything for You created the stars in the sky.