The Start of a New

You know things are not perfect when things are real. I enter the start of a new season. Things are becoming more and more real as i enter. Do i feel ready? Am i ready? Starting a new chapter in life is not easy. The sense of having something to hold on to is at most importance. Its as if you want to change yet your accustomed to the old. The sense of being whole is now fading because now that you have grown its no longer whole, but once again ready to be filled.

Is it right to throw bleach into dirty water hoping that it will clean it? I dont think so, it just makes more of a mess and then overflows. Things were never perfect i just knew that i must enjoy what i had, for the change would come and once again it would be the struggle of living with that purpose i was given.

There is a time for everything.
A time for planting,
A time for reaping,
A time to destroy,
A time to construct,
A time to cry,
A time to laugh,
A time to count your gains,
A time to count your losses,
A time to hold on,
A time to let go,
A time to SHUT UP,
A time to SPEAK UP,
A time to LOVE,
A time to HATE.
Those four i seem to have trouble with and this is why i highlight them. In the end there is noting that will be carried with me besides Love and Hate. What good does it do to try to impress and what good does it do when trying to get someones attention? What good does it do to rely on someone when they too fail? Why does it seem that we start a new we try to have people notice? What glory is it all for? Does boasting improve yourself? Do good works with wrong intentions bring forth fruit? Can i say what i was doing was a sense of fear? Do i fear the next season and not even notice it? Something does not seem right. All around me things are into place. But I. Do i fall into place? Am i in the right place? These next three weeks are going to be the most difficult, i sense it. I sense that i will not SHUT UP when i should and that i will not SPEAK UP when i should. I will LOVE when i shouldnt and I will HATE when i shouldnt. I have decided that there's nothing better to do that go ahead and have a good time and get the most i can out of life, its God's gift. Yet, when given a gift do you see the right intentions or are we blind to see the heart of it all. I have been given so much lately, but am i messing the point of all this??? Am i to just receive it and let go. Am i suppose to keep seeking your gifts and prepare for the new start, the new chapter, the new epic journey of life.

For two years i was seeking the life of college and now that its on its way, do i have the right heart. Does it really make a difference in life for me? I have also concluded that whatever Christ does, thats the way its going to be, always. Yet when i try to make things happen i fail. I guess this is the end of that road and now that i am knowing the next road is coming up, i am busy starring at the surroundings thinking i am going to lose most of this and what is to come?? I am fighting the thought of letting go of things and holding on to others. What is worth fighting for and keeping? Can i honestly wrestle the huge God of my life over things i want? I want to fight for You, Lord, yet i want to fight for they and I. I see what is in front of me right now and want it. I want to fight for it. I want to try, but am i trying to hard?

As i think, i am falling down the path i have once fallen. Help me to not lose myself and walk on water before i drown into a new season. You are faithful. I am not, they are not, we are not. Watch over me. I pray for them as well to watch over them. So easy to cry out to you and see You once second yet fall the next. We need You every second. We need You every minute, every hour, every day, month, season, year and life time. We just need You for there is none like You.

Justin and Nicole

Justin and Nicole. How much i love these two and how much they have been the big brother and sister i have always needed. From the first day i stepped into Step With Christ they were the two that i have always saw as support. When i felt so far or so alone i knew i had them for the physical comfort.

Being the oldest child and coming to know Christ in my high school years they defined my definition of older brother and sister. The endless night i would be driven home by Justin and just talk about everything, listen to Phil Wickham and Hillsong, then have me watch the Jeremy Camp concert cd that i still watch every once in a while. He has truly impacted my life, from having me think about my issues in prayer and just dream big and try to impact this world big. I thank Christ every time i see Justin for his presence in my life and just being apart of my journey. I can honestly say i love him. I thank you Justin for teaching me how to play guitar, helping me get into the word, and just giving me advice and prayer. Even thinking about it right now makes me get all soft inside, because man, i would not be the person i am today because of him. I truly do not want to lose a hold of a big part of my life.

Nicole you have always been a huge impact in my life. I see you and i see so much compassion, love, and spunk for Christ. I hope younger women can look up to you cause truly you are a gift. I thank you for the endless talks, the walks, and prayers. You have always encouraged me and reminded me of how much i am worth in Christ. Your presence is soothing and hope i can find someone in life with a similar reflection. Anyone who has an older sister understands that they will see women some what to be similar like there older sister and i have come to think like that. I love you mucho and thank Christ for you being the biggest impact on my life.

I enjoy being with you guys especially after today going to church and eating out. Its a great feeling to have people like you in my life and just look up to. I too pray that the impact you guys have done in my life i can do the same for whom ever i meet. Thanks so much and i hope to forever be in touch and just be connected. Thanks you guys. Thank you for hearing me when i was angry, dry, low, dirty, sinful, crying, joyful, confused, seeking, happy, prideful, anything. Just thank you and i am thankful to Christ for having two awesome gifts from above. I know you guys will be fit for each, saw it from day one. Then picked on Justin way to much when i was younger. LOVE YOU GUYS. THANKS AGAIN!!! Dang just might cry. haha

To Focus On One

People are telling me that i will find someone at Biola, but its not like i am looking, its not like i am not, i am just enjoying my walk and whom i ever meet no matter the place i just have to have my eyes focus on one. I am not looking for love, for i have found Love. He has had me since i was in the deepest of depths. Yet does not hurt to try to find someone, but that is if they pop up in my life. Such at her, i surely think about her although i do not know her well. But i know God uses our heart to pray over others. She is the one i see in front of me, for i only focus on what is in front of me. Maybe there is the chance, but i do not need this chance, i guess. I am not looking for someone, but it is hard to say and even harder to see in action. But she is the Lords not mine. All i can do is pray for her and her situation since she already shared a piece of her broken heart. That is enough to have me think and stop and say a prayer for her. Its hard for a guy like me to not tend to just draw near a single gal like her. I have grown to be patient and just enjoy what little pieces i experience now and know the best experience to whom i ever meet are to come in the future. For now i say she is attractive because Your in her, makes so much more of the different. Many gals are out there, but just going to keep my eyes focus for how long You allow me to be. I will see where this journey leads me, but i know i am with a Savior and i love Him so much. HE made my year. He gave me so much more. I love you Jesus.

Crazy Love Part 1

About three years i gave my heart to Christ. I was one broken person. Looking at my blogs from last year and this year, truly i was in a deep valley.

By day i had a mask on, yet sometimes i could not hold it on and snap in front of others. By night i was crying my way to sleep, asking why my life was so broken. Those endless nights felt so dark. All i remember is my heart waging war with its junk and knowing that something was illuminating my depths. I fought it so much, but i found myself being weak. The illusion of life being okay was what ate me alive.

I did not know myself. I would want to always fit in and some how i did to an extent. Endlessly i would try new things. Continuously i wanted to not be alone. The chaos at home made me brittle. I saw answers, yet nothing filled it. Remembering a time when staring up at the sky and thinking how as a kid i would have never imagine my road to be so bumpy. I would have never thought of doing drugs, i would never have thought of life being so meaningless, i would have never thought that God was fake. That night looking at the stars, i saw only myself.

The past night this week i was outside with my sister looking at meteors. I mean get a chance to see them, its a wonderful thing. Such small clumps of rock from the outer reaches of our solar system can make the night sky brighten up. They do not rain down in a continuous manner, yet you have to know where to look and be patient. Patience brings the beauty of nature and its wonders.

Just being with my sister made me see what i have become. I have become something much more in life. Every good and perfect gift comes from above and that night i was thinking how much my family is to me. I love my sister and how i would spend another night with her. I saw my life and what i have gone through was for me to be a man of Christ. That when my family is down and when i meet the right person i would be looking for strength in my savior. That i will be willing to fight the good fight. That my father would give me the strength to be everything he has called me to be. That he would lead me with strong hands. That he would help me stand. That he would let me give up things that tie me down. That he would not let me do things alone. Thats when i knew i was not alone, was never and would never be.

Looking at my past blogs, if i was then and outside looking at the sky, i would miss the main point. I would have thought to myself why don't i have someone special to watch this with. Why is it that i was trampled like a rose and here again on this night im alone. I did struggle with the idea of being single for long periods and not wanting to give a piece of me to a person that i know would snatch it way. Yet i feel as if i was not looking in the right direction and was missing the beauty of what was in that part of my life.

This being the fourth christmas after accepting Christ, i have never felt so alive. There is the crazy love that is unexplainable and all i want to do is let others know that we all have similar situation or stories and how Christ is the answer. Its an overwhelming feeling. Its as if even in the mist of trials i can just be still and look at his wonders and see that he has me. The past Christmas seasons i was broken, broken inside, thinking that i can cover it. I tried so hard to cover myself with a tent i was familiar with while he waited patiently to have me ask for his tent to protect me. Surely during these dark times he looked at me and cried as i cried, but he knew that i had so much more to give up. He knew that life was something to not regret. That when my weaknesses popped up, he would use them for strength. That he would show me how much he loves me. To really impact me. To be overwhelmed by this crazy love that saved me and would do so for others.

Light Up the Sky

Surely its of amazement how natural events such as a meteor shower can reflect Gods creation. Night is said to be full of darkness, yet God created stars and the moon to help guide. The Sun does not shine at night yet their are people in our lives that are bright enough to shine his reflection on a cold night.

Every season bring a sense of comfort and discomfort.
Every step feels the need of caution, yet why?
Every moment is a time of thought.
Every second is not a second of becoming young, but old.
Every blessing comes with grace.
Every storm comes with the eye of calmness.
Every shout comes with a hearts cry.
Every prayer comes with an answer.

I can't get enough of Christ. In your generous love i am really living. A part of me wants to stand up for what you have stand up for me. Right now you are lighting up my sky and i cannot deny that your are with me. This Christmas you are all around me and i know it, i some how know it. It may have been my fault that i did not know before, but in every season you were guiding me. You were guiding me home to your heart. I continue to seek your heart. I continue to see how you will light up my sky. I want to live today knowing you have my tomorrow.
Its your love that makes better days. Its your love that is the only thing that matters. Its your love that is the only thing that lights up the darkness. All i ever needed and cried out for, was your love.

Being More

Today i learned a lot about myself.
First i have not overcome my old habits.
I feel as if i hit the end of the full circle and about to be tested again.
I mentions before better days.
I know it will.

Better Days

Well this week is some what finals week. Life seems so fast and is moving at 20mph. They say life goes as fast as your age. So now im speeding up in which i effect other people lives more and more. Looking back on the past year and Christmas years i truly could not understand what it meant to be with family and hope for something more in life. To look at life with hope and have faith. Christmas for me is much more this year. It has impacted me more. I have seen so many things happen that i would have thought a year ago to not happen, but something told me my savior heard my prayer.

In this blog i wrote so much craziness, but i think i am going to take it to the next level. Tonight is the night where the world begins again. Tonight i want to give my self to my savior and see forth his will.

This Christmas i do not look for boxes of presents, designer cloths, money (well maybe money to pay for bills -__-), but i hoping for better days. I am looking for peace, looking for a new chapter in my life, looking to see where my Christ will lead me. I wish everyone on Christmas can look to one another and see that there is a chance to find better days in everything. From relationships, friendships, financial situation, love, hope, faith, joy and i do not know but everything that burdens a persons heart. I bet if everyone can sing and write music, the world would sing something so similar, because we all long something.

There was that one child that saved the world. So tender, so delicate, so warm. His words forever changed my heart and did so many people. He is soft as snow in the mist of a storm. He is the eye of the storm when the hurricane is at its full strength. He can lead the way to better days. Some how i know he can. Thats who he is. He could have came like forest fire with the power of heavens flame, yet he came like a winter snow to the earth below. You were quite and slow. Your voice was not in a rushing wind. But it was still, it was small, it was hidden. It was the whisper that i some how knew, yet would push.

I still get fearful and doubt better days ahead, but my heart sings out that tonight is the night that he will make this simple. It is something simple he gives, because for Christmas its about receiving His presence in our lives. Faith, Hope, Love=Christ. I really do look for better days in my career path, my family, my church, my relationships, and most of all my walk with Christ.

You may ask me what i may want this year, i say i ask for a chance of better days for everyone and myself. Thanks Lord for already impacting my family in a way that is amazing cause i some how see it. I know your here. I know that your carrying me and holding like a potter hold the clay and shapes the vase. Give me the chance. Take these words and my heart. I have faith in you, because my heart always fights to tell my mind your enough.

December to Start

School has brought me to a position in which i have stopped writing. I understand that it is my hearts will to write, yet the flesh and mind are not. I am writing to tell myself that instead of waiting for New Years to start something, i want to just lay my life before my savior.

I feel as being patient is my toughest thing to do while in the mist of the moment, yet i know that it is needed. Love is patient. Something that seems to always make me happy to know my Christ is patient. Look back this has been my best Christmas season yet. I have been through so much in the past, but this is more. I really think with my small mind that i somewhat understand Christmas, yet i really dont.

My life has changed. I see the better days to come with my walk with Christ. I do not really have much in my life, but i see that he is all i need. I have so many chances to see my life change right now. There is schools i want to go to, the career path to walk, the viewing of my family struggle in God, yet grow, the chance to dance with a girl this Christmas, a chance to sing with my family and reach out to them, the chance of enjoying a new church, he change of a new car. A new is at its feet. The chance of just finally letting go a bit more. My heart turns to face the Lord. This is the day that i say that i want to receive the Lord.

Lord after reading psalms, i want to be able to stand in your court. Not to have the jury fight for my defense or have them love me. But judge, i want to call to my defense something more than anything. I want Christ. I want to see him make a way. In the mist of trial that i can learn and see my sins. That Christ can hold me tight like the potter that shapes a vase. Christ is soft as snow, rough as a hurricane, yet loving when he center of the eye is revealed. His center is calm, loving, and bright. HE needs to rough us, to soften our hearts. Thanks Christ. This week may i truly be patient for this event. You know my heart and prepare it. See to save your child, do not be one second late to protect me from everything. Walk the streets with me, drive in my passenger seat, and be next to me in my studies, but above all take hold of me when i cannot see or hear.

Psalm 51 Message.

I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will wait for your mercies in the presence of your people. Psalm 52:9 NLT