It is obvious Lord, that no matter what I want to do, the chances of me bearing fruit of the Spirit is slim. Lord, what can man boast in? What can I boast in? As easy or hard as I receive something, I can lose it. As I continue to listen to John Pipers messages on Romans 7:14-25, I am grateful for the gospel. O what a wretched man I am. I do not know when I will fall into the enemies deception, but I do not want to just give up to the enemy like a coward. I want to fight and wage war by knowing the Truth. I want to boast in knowing the Lord.
Thus says the Lord: “Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.” -Jeremiah 9:23-24
Lord, when you spoke to Jeremiah and Israel, you continuously listened and put yourself out to your children. But, like you mentioned, their hearts were "uncircumcised". I will be honest that my heart is uncircumcised in many areas. I tend to always want to be boastful, prideful, lustful, and selfish. Lord, I will confess that it is not easy to deal with these matters. The world makes it so glossy, so required, and so desired. No matter what I try to do, it has been engraved since my birth. Original Sin is that real and this "flesh" is the being that I wage war against; nevertheless, losing and winning has been a daily part of my life.
Surely, I can just ask to know you more. Jesus as I go into ministry, I realize there is so much darkness and falseness in this world. It almost makes me not want to do ministry. It is ridiculous how bad things are. I see the field and I almost find it helpless. I find myself powerless and wondering what the heck can I do? I do not even have the strength to help myself. Yet, and I say this in Truth, the Lord's hand can make anything impossible seem possible. Jesus can you make Psalm 90:17 come to be. May this prophetic Word be the Truth in my life. May I boast in the Work the Lord gives me because of what Jesus has done, will do, and is now doing. May I see your beauty! Lord, shine your face upon me and be merciful. Lord, just like David, may I learn to know you more. Lord just like David's servants that carried the Ark of the Covenant, can you help me and may I give offerings of thankfulness. May your Word be engraved in my heart and in my spirit. May I know You!
Let the beauty(favor) of the Lord our God be upon us,
and establish the work of our hands upon us;
yes, establish the work of our hands! -Psalm 90:17
Holy Spirit, guard me. Truth will be said, I feel the temptation ready to make me fall. Holy Spirit, my flesh is pressing on a level that my spirit recognizes as the beginning attacks. I do not want to fall and just Paul said I will. Just like Peter I will. Thank You God for the Lord Jesus Christ that died and carried the horrible "flesh" with Him. I cannot express this Truth the best extent, but you know. Holy Spirit, Hosanna, Hosanna, Hosanna. May I know You!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
I May Be Weak
...But Your Spirit is strong in me.
Lord, I want to start off this morning, by thanking you for meeting with Young once again. My perspective can easy change. So, I want to confess a sense of thankfulness and gratitude. Today I was able to earlier express my pains and Ecclesiastes Chapter 5. I was able to just share why I went off on my own and what eternal factors led to those decisions that I have made. I was also glad that I was able to hear what he was going through. How for him, trusting in you is even the most difficult thing. How he did not have a mentor in a sense, but you had place certain people in his life to guide him. Then Lord how important it is to listen to your Spirit.
Being able to listen to your Spirit is the most easiest, yet hardest thing to do. Our "flesh" still consumes our way of life. Lord, Young and I talked about when Paul came to a diversion of his ministry, he knew it was you. He knew that he was noting going to Asia because of your Spirit. It was not like you was there in person, but that he understood the next step of his ministry. As a future leader and even right now, I am wondering how can we distinguish your path, from Satan's attack. I think we already know but, from a distance we try to make it something more.
Lord, where am I? I know I am looking for a job. I know that I am at my parents house. I know I only have so much money. I know my car cannot go distances without paying the price. I know that I am at Step with Christ Church. I know that I am interning right now. I know next semester I have 18units and need to live out there. I know I hope to go to a Cambodia next summer. I know I want to be used by you. I know that I think I need a ministry job. I know I want to find the right person in my life. I know that my sin constant distorts all these things.
But above all this Lord, I know that you are True. Jesus, where am I? In faith, Lord, I know your in my inner being. Lord Abba, may you please just be my warmth in my darkness. I want to run sometimes. I want to hide or blame something else. I want to say your not doing anything. I want to argue with you. I want to make myself right. But all that is pride. All this is ignorance of the truth. That is not life. Jesus, "flesh" is something not easy to deal with. I do not even understand the whole concept of sin, but I do know this, "That in Your Way" there is something I know to be true. Lord, to imagine that first breath Adam took, must have been amazing. When I think about it the relationship was so intimate, that Adam must have thought I need one more breath, Lord, Yes, your with me. There was no change of thought. There was the fullness of the intimate relationship. Adam's, "yes" was a definite, "yes". It was so close you gave Him the opportunity to take care of creation. You even gave Him the opportunity to take part of creating someone in his image. Your character was clearly in him.
But when sin came and Satan did his thing, the "yes", became "it was her", it became distorted. I am no father, but hearing stories of how children act, there is a resemblance of what happened in the garden. Nevertheless, Adam was no longer depending on you on the level that was Holy and relational. In fact, I would think he forgot how his first deep breath was like and how he needed a second breath from you.
Lord I am weak. I am broken. I am in need of your air and your breath. My Spirit is longing for more of you. There is more to this. I know ministry is awesome, but I would have to come to terms to the fact that your worth more. In fact, there is nothing more than you. I cannot cloth myself. I cannot feed myself. I cannot lead myself. I need your Spirit's guidance. I need you. Please be gentle and kind. Forgive me of my sins and even people I know or do not know. We are all in this mess and we long for you. As I go to Etiwanda today, prepare meeting. As I am at my locations of studying and work, prepare meeting. May you be my provider and comforter. Thank you Jesus for everything.
Make I continue to look up to you. Well I am going to read Luke and Psalms and listen to Mr. Piper on Romans. I do not know if that is a lot, but man how much I love to grasp the Gospel to share with others.
Lord, I want to start off this morning, by thanking you for meeting with Young once again. My perspective can easy change. So, I want to confess a sense of thankfulness and gratitude. Today I was able to earlier express my pains and Ecclesiastes Chapter 5. I was able to just share why I went off on my own and what eternal factors led to those decisions that I have made. I was also glad that I was able to hear what he was going through. How for him, trusting in you is even the most difficult thing. How he did not have a mentor in a sense, but you had place certain people in his life to guide him. Then Lord how important it is to listen to your Spirit.
Being able to listen to your Spirit is the most easiest, yet hardest thing to do. Our "flesh" still consumes our way of life. Lord, Young and I talked about when Paul came to a diversion of his ministry, he knew it was you. He knew that he was noting going to Asia because of your Spirit. It was not like you was there in person, but that he understood the next step of his ministry. As a future leader and even right now, I am wondering how can we distinguish your path, from Satan's attack. I think we already know but, from a distance we try to make it something more.
Lord, where am I? I know I am looking for a job. I know that I am at my parents house. I know I only have so much money. I know my car cannot go distances without paying the price. I know that I am at Step with Christ Church. I know that I am interning right now. I know next semester I have 18units and need to live out there. I know I hope to go to a Cambodia next summer. I know I want to be used by you. I know that I think I need a ministry job. I know I want to find the right person in my life. I know that my sin constant distorts all these things.
But above all this Lord, I know that you are True. Jesus, where am I? In faith, Lord, I know your in my inner being. Lord Abba, may you please just be my warmth in my darkness. I want to run sometimes. I want to hide or blame something else. I want to say your not doing anything. I want to argue with you. I want to make myself right. But all that is pride. All this is ignorance of the truth. That is not life. Jesus, "flesh" is something not easy to deal with. I do not even understand the whole concept of sin, but I do know this, "That in Your Way" there is something I know to be true. Lord, to imagine that first breath Adam took, must have been amazing. When I think about it the relationship was so intimate, that Adam must have thought I need one more breath, Lord, Yes, your with me. There was no change of thought. There was the fullness of the intimate relationship. Adam's, "yes" was a definite, "yes". It was so close you gave Him the opportunity to take care of creation. You even gave Him the opportunity to take part of creating someone in his image. Your character was clearly in him.
But when sin came and Satan did his thing, the "yes", became "it was her", it became distorted. I am no father, but hearing stories of how children act, there is a resemblance of what happened in the garden. Nevertheless, Adam was no longer depending on you on the level that was Holy and relational. In fact, I would think he forgot how his first deep breath was like and how he needed a second breath from you.
Lord I am weak. I am broken. I am in need of your air and your breath. My Spirit is longing for more of you. There is more to this. I know ministry is awesome, but I would have to come to terms to the fact that your worth more. In fact, there is nothing more than you. I cannot cloth myself. I cannot feed myself. I cannot lead myself. I need your Spirit's guidance. I need you. Please be gentle and kind. Forgive me of my sins and even people I know or do not know. We are all in this mess and we long for you. As I go to Etiwanda today, prepare meeting. As I am at my locations of studying and work, prepare meeting. May you be my provider and comforter. Thank you Jesus for everything.
Make I continue to look up to you. Well I am going to read Luke and Psalms and listen to Mr. Piper on Romans. I do not know if that is a lot, but man how much I love to grasp the Gospel to share with others.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Out Cry
I wont deny it Lord, I am looking at the situation as if I cannot handle it. Or in better terms, that you are not watching over me. My hope is that I can see what you see. I can love what you love. Lord you saw me going to sleep last night and saw me wake up this morning. Surely, you saw on my heart the trouble that is coming. I am telling you Lord, I only have two months worth of money to pay for bills. I do not know how to go about this. This is really not a cause to ask for support, because everyone is looking for support. Lord I am asking for support from you though. I am asking how I will be able to pay bills, food, and gas. I am asking how I will be able to attend school. I am asking how I will finish my assignments. I am asking how I will serve at church and go into ministry. Lord so much is jumbled. The puzzles look like they can all fit into a place, but I would not know if that picture would be the best one. I pray Jesus that in your mighty name that you can start closing doors and opening doors into my life so I can follow you. I believe in the power of the resurrection and the creator of the universe. So in Christ I ask for faith. I ask for an out pour of support from your heavenly realms. I can either speak words of cursing or words of blessing. I am so glad that you used me to encourage my sister and if there where others as well. In that same power of witnesses I ask for you grace. I ask to be steadfast in your love and enjoy everything that you are. Surely, the enemy would want me to refocus my thoughts, but in Christ may the living Word empower me to do your will where ever you call me. Jesus in your love I ask for mercy and justice. I ask that may I walk humble with you. May the love that empowered your disciple reign in me. May my enemies fall before the King of all creation. I ask Lord once again to hear my outcry for continual movement.
After 30min
I turn to Psalm 90 this morning and I am glad that I am digging deep into it. I am glad you are speaking through it. Well it is your Word and it just depends on your Spirit doing the work in Christ. The Psalmist opens up reminding himself of your character. You are not just God, but our Creator who is continually making us a new. In an instant we can become dust, that is truly one thing I can tell an atheist is true. But as much as you can take a man in his sleep, you are able to wake him to life with your Spirit. Jesus your glory reveals our sins, but because we are adopted from the darkness, you are continuously making us new in you. Lord, I might have legalized my life so much and I have sinned before you. Everyday is a day of judgement, but because I am surely being made new in you, I can confess the goodness of my Savior. Jesus, my foundation is in you. My days are numbered and I act like I do not think you know that. Of course my God knows my days. Of course God knows when to use me. I hope that in you Lord I may remind myself of your glory when I awake in the morning. I pray Lord that your love, mercy and grace may meet me like a fragrance that I cannot image. Lord touch my heart. Lord save me. O Savior, relent! I can say that my heart is yours, but you know the darkness that it carries. Lord write on my heart the law you call me to follow. Lord write on my heart Jesus. Once again, I say Jesus, take me. I ask in the name of Jesus Christ to be sealed up in Jesus love. May I be satisfied when I wake up. May I see your unveiling love. May I sing throughout all my days. Lord as much as I have been in trouble, can you restore to me what you see fitting. I ask for mercy Father. I ask for mercy!!! I ask for your double portion! I ask for your favor and your concern! I ask for your movement in my life. May joy of the gospel compel my heart. May I take heart and treasure everything that you are. Lord my finally prayer that comes from this Psalm is this, "May the favor, the beauty, of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish work of our hands for us- yes, establish the work of our hands." I speak Words of truth!! What was cursed by Adam falling is now re-created in the image of its Creator. Now the work of God is our hope. Now the beauty of the Lord is all that we seek. So Jesus in you I am. I am broken, I am your child that desires the Truth, the Way and the Life. I speak blessing over my life. I speak of triumph because everything is finished. Lord Jesus Christ only you can establish the work that will come out of these hands. Only you can make me work. In faith, I say that I will find work, because in Christ Jesus the joy of the Lord will overcome. Thank you Jesus for everything. May I never lose the wonder of the cross. May I never lose what you have done. May I lay down my life to be yours.
After 30min
I turn to Psalm 90 this morning and I am glad that I am digging deep into it. I am glad you are speaking through it. Well it is your Word and it just depends on your Spirit doing the work in Christ. The Psalmist opens up reminding himself of your character. You are not just God, but our Creator who is continually making us a new. In an instant we can become dust, that is truly one thing I can tell an atheist is true. But as much as you can take a man in his sleep, you are able to wake him to life with your Spirit. Jesus your glory reveals our sins, but because we are adopted from the darkness, you are continuously making us new in you. Lord, I might have legalized my life so much and I have sinned before you. Everyday is a day of judgement, but because I am surely being made new in you, I can confess the goodness of my Savior. Jesus, my foundation is in you. My days are numbered and I act like I do not think you know that. Of course my God knows my days. Of course God knows when to use me. I hope that in you Lord I may remind myself of your glory when I awake in the morning. I pray Lord that your love, mercy and grace may meet me like a fragrance that I cannot image. Lord touch my heart. Lord save me. O Savior, relent! I can say that my heart is yours, but you know the darkness that it carries. Lord write on my heart the law you call me to follow. Lord write on my heart Jesus. Once again, I say Jesus, take me. I ask in the name of Jesus Christ to be sealed up in Jesus love. May I be satisfied when I wake up. May I see your unveiling love. May I sing throughout all my days. Lord as much as I have been in trouble, can you restore to me what you see fitting. I ask for mercy Father. I ask for mercy!!! I ask for your double portion! I ask for your favor and your concern! I ask for your movement in my life. May joy of the gospel compel my heart. May I take heart and treasure everything that you are. Lord my finally prayer that comes from this Psalm is this, "May the favor, the beauty, of the Lord our God rest upon us; establish work of our hands for us- yes, establish the work of our hands." I speak Words of truth!! What was cursed by Adam falling is now re-created in the image of its Creator. Now the work of God is our hope. Now the beauty of the Lord is all that we seek. So Jesus in you I am. I am broken, I am your child that desires the Truth, the Way and the Life. I speak blessing over my life. I speak of triumph because everything is finished. Lord Jesus Christ only you can establish the work that will come out of these hands. Only you can make me work. In faith, I say that I will find work, because in Christ Jesus the joy of the Lord will overcome. Thank you Jesus for everything. May I never lose the wonder of the cross. May I never lose what you have done. May I lay down my life to be yours.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Need to Find You
I will honestly say thank you Lord for this week. It has been a blessing. I have taken joy in walking with you. That is to say that I have probably sinned throughout my week. I just woke up from sleeping on the floor and right now I cannot think straight. I know that on the ride back home from school and when I woke up, I could and can not stop thinking about the fact that in a month of two I will be broke. I am not working and I should since I have so much to pay for. I do want to focus on school and the internships, but I am stuck Lord thinking about how to deal with the future. I need to find a place to live. I need to find out how I will be driving back and forth. I need to figure out how will I work then. I need to figure out where I need to be. I am wondering if everyday I am pushing back this ticking bomb. I am going to be 22 years old and yet in some of my family members eyes I look like a fool. I am driving around and I get tired. I sleep on the floor. Lord you do not call me to be poor, but I am left with just you. Surely, I cannot grow up. I feel left so behind. I am asking Lord to make something work. Make a righteous WAY. In you Jesus may I live. Can I find rest and confidence in your absolute truth. Lord, grab my hand and lead me to your heart. I know there i so much to worry about Lord, but can I find you. When I say that I do not mean it literally, but just like wife runs to her husbands arms seeking two things. The strength and love. It is a mystery that I do not know yet, but one day. Jesus in your name may I join you in. Forgive me and take me in today. Thank you.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
You Thought...
"You thought I was altogether like you" - Psalm 50:21b
Lord I find crazy that I actually come to this mindset. Do I actually perceive you as a God that is like me? Jesus you are 100% man, but 100% God. I want to thank you though for understanding me. I want to say thank you for accepting me just as I am. I have sinned and will do so til my days come to an end. I am thankful that Jesus when you were arrest you proved this verse to be true, "These things you have done and I kept silent" (Psalm 50:21a). Truly I do things wrong and plan out of my own weakness. I desire to do what I will. I do come short. Like Apostle Paul writes, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing."
Lord as much as you have been silent in my sin, I do ask to do a work in me that I may carry out what good I desire to do. Lord today I am meeting with high school students. Many that have broken families, broken relationships, no hope, no acceptance, shame, guilt, and a broken and contrite soul. May you give me the eyes to see what you see. Lord I fall short too, but the cross. The cross is my beginning of life. Yes, that is where you died, but you took sin and death with it. I want to stay amazed by the cross. I hope to see what Paul saw when it went out into the field. I want to preach with the power of the resurrection. Only you can give glory to glory. May I be your instrument of the living Gospel.
Jesus I know that I do not need to work out my salvation. I am enjoying this actually. I really hope to see what can happen. I just want to be a tool for the kingdom. So I lift up my young brothers and sister at Etiwanda High School. I ask that you may bless them with your Spirit and fulfill the great work in them. Protect them with the power of your Holy Spirit and may they see your glory.
We may think that you are exactly like us, but nah. You are even more than we can imagine. May you bend an ear and hand to your children. Thank you Lord for my time with you. May I take it to heart and treasure it. May I read your Word and take joy in my daily bread. Thank You Jesus.
Lord I find crazy that I actually come to this mindset. Do I actually perceive you as a God that is like me? Jesus you are 100% man, but 100% God. I want to thank you though for understanding me. I want to say thank you for accepting me just as I am. I have sinned and will do so til my days come to an end. I am thankful that Jesus when you were arrest you proved this verse to be true, "These things you have done and I kept silent" (Psalm 50:21a). Truly I do things wrong and plan out of my own weakness. I desire to do what I will. I do come short. Like Apostle Paul writes, "For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing."
Lord as much as you have been silent in my sin, I do ask to do a work in me that I may carry out what good I desire to do. Lord today I am meeting with high school students. Many that have broken families, broken relationships, no hope, no acceptance, shame, guilt, and a broken and contrite soul. May you give me the eyes to see what you see. Lord I fall short too, but the cross. The cross is my beginning of life. Yes, that is where you died, but you took sin and death with it. I want to stay amazed by the cross. I hope to see what Paul saw when it went out into the field. I want to preach with the power of the resurrection. Only you can give glory to glory. May I be your instrument of the living Gospel.
Jesus I know that I do not need to work out my salvation. I am enjoying this actually. I really hope to see what can happen. I just want to be a tool for the kingdom. So I lift up my young brothers and sister at Etiwanda High School. I ask that you may bless them with your Spirit and fulfill the great work in them. Protect them with the power of your Holy Spirit and may they see your glory.
We may think that you are exactly like us, but nah. You are even more than we can imagine. May you bend an ear and hand to your children. Thank you Lord for my time with you. May I take it to heart and treasure it. May I read your Word and take joy in my daily bread. Thank You Jesus.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I Want to Be Held By You
Lord, tonight I have been reading all this theology stuff that is based on Paul's perspective. It is great, but I know Paul would say what gain is of it when Christ is not increased. Lord, I want to say thank you. Thank you for life. Thank you for your redemptive salvation. Right now my heart just wants to lay and rest beside your chest and take joy of being embraced in your arms. Lord have you ever wondered when your Father will let you come? I mean you are in the Father, but only the Father knows that time. I cannot wait to be with you, but I know you desire to have more of your children with you. Lord what is your heart's desire? I can think about it, but would I treasure it? Lord, life is hard. The world is spinning and is spinning that much faster. Disaster is ahead and I can only hope your Spirit can give us the confidence of the Gospel. Surely, your Spirit is in us, but what is it that we feel so distant as well? What is missing? Or what is needed to be put off? I will be honest Lord, right now I feel so glad writing to you. Me being in a coffee shop, I cannot blast "The More I Seek You" and just worship. My heart wants to jump into you. Nevertheless, I know that in a month or two my funds to support me will diminish. I do not know what to say; a part of me wants to walk by faith, yet the other is saying my parents will say told you not to expect so much and see yourself as that type of person. Well, Lord I am your child right? I can tell them that. I will confess that. My sins are ever present, but daily you deal with them. I never want to lose touch of your love. I know at times I will want to run to something I recognize, but you want to show more of yourself. Lord can you show yourself to me more? May I see you in my dreams, in my goals, in my life, in my actions, in my desires, in my hopes, in my future wife, in my children, in my ministry, in my writing, in my quiet time, in my classes, in people I meet, in my mailbox, in many ways. Lord, I say this not wanting to make you follow me, but I want to follow you. I want to experience new revelation and leap out in faith. I want to say my Lord has reminded me who he is and wants me to move, he wants me to stay, he wants me to be still. Jesus, I know that you are God, but did the human side of you ever miss your Father? I mean I know you did on the cross =[. But when you was in the midst of childhood or even ministry, did you have one inch of missing the Spirit. I mean, I do not know if you where constantly filled by the Spirit, but in the Word is makes it seem like you were just as ready in every moment to listen to the Father. But because you were human too, did you ever experience silence? Did you ever long for the Father? I mean right now I feel like that? I feel like I need to ask for help. I mean, you know how much I feel. I feel so alone because I am constantly struggling against my flesh. I understand in my heart that the only treasure I want is to be with you. I desire to be filled with the Father's heart. I desire to move in Spirit, but only you Jesus my Savior can give that life-giving Spirit. Surely I am longing for your double portion. I do not know what I would do with it, but I know you would let me know. I thank you for adopting me into your family. So I will say Abba Father, may you lend me a hand so I can take hold of it. Abba in the name of my Savior, I ask for a full hand of help. May I know your command to love the Lord your God with all my strength, heart, mind, and soul. It is through Jesus that I can find TRUTH, LIFE AND THE WAY IN THIS RE-CREATING WORLD. May I offer myself to you Jesus. May everyday I find new reasons to love you. May I listen when I awake. May I change in Christ.
The Lord is my Sovereign Lord.
His enemies are his footstool.
The nations make sounds against Him,
yet the Lord laughs, ready to judge in His righteousness.
My God does not sit.
He stand before the throne of the Father,
making a Way for the lost.
The anchor is unbreakable.
The Spirit will do His work,
nothing will prevent Him.
Not even death nor sin.
The Lord is love.
He will sit next to the sinner.
He will bend an ear,
Teaching His sons and daughters,
Continuously He writes on their hearts.
The Lord is not finished.
From His mouth the World will spin.
From His Word the dead will rise.
From His breath, everything will come to be.
Jesus may your son walk humbly with you.
May I love mercy and seek justice.
Search my heart and make a dwelling place in me.
I know you will deal with everything in your prefect timing.
The Lord is my God.
My God is alive and will finish His great works in all creation.
The Lord is my Sovereign Lord.
His enemies are his footstool.
The nations make sounds against Him,
yet the Lord laughs, ready to judge in His righteousness.
My God does not sit.
He stand before the throne of the Father,
making a Way for the lost.
The anchor is unbreakable.
The Spirit will do His work,
nothing will prevent Him.
Not even death nor sin.
The Lord is love.
He will sit next to the sinner.
He will bend an ear,
Teaching His sons and daughters,
Continuously He writes on their hearts.
The Lord is not finished.
From His mouth the World will spin.
From His Word the dead will rise.
From His breath, everything will come to be.
Jesus may your son walk humbly with you.
May I love mercy and seek justice.
Search my heart and make a dwelling place in me.
I know you will deal with everything in your prefect timing.
The Lord is my God.
My God is alive and will finish His great works in all creation.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Two Questions and Two Answers
Genesis 2-4
God I find it amazing how you
started conversation with both generations by asking, “Where are you?”, and
“Where is Abel your brother”. Lord, I
know the two greatest commandments flow from these two questions when I think
about it. Surely, you want me to know
where I am with you daily. I do not want
to end up sinning, but you know I will.
You continuously walk with me pressing in my heart asking me that same
question. Many times, I will say that I
do fall and I need to pray to you to save me from the sin that is crouching at
the door. I do thank you Lord that I was
able to come to you during my retreat.
Well, it was not like I couldn’t, but you kept pressing in and kept
speaking to me in some many different ways that I can only notice.
The second question that you asked
is a reminder of the second commandment.
When you asked Cain where his brother was at, you knew. Nonetheless, this is a reminder of where are
my brothers and sisters in Christ. Or
even in general seek your love, mercy, and grace, so I can do the same to
others. Although Cain committed a sin,
you promised him protection. As much as
you forgive me 70 times 7, I need to do the same.
Surely Lord, your commandments were in placed before the fall. Then after the fall you were in the business of restoring everything with a gentle touch. Only You Christ can do that. May you teach me as well. Thank you for this morning and may I take joy and heart in today's Word. May I treasure it in my heart.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Treasuring the Times with God
I do got to say that this retreat was amazing and I had taken much joy in the experience. I went there just having the mind set to walk with the Lord a bit more intimate and aware. I know that I could not do this unless he had taken my heart and done a work in me. Now this is not to say that I am not broken inside. I still feel so torn a part by the fact that there is much to deal with. I know retreats can become dangerous Lord, but just like you spent time with the Father, I was glad to spend time with you. I was glad that I was able to hear two awesome testimonies. I was glad to look up at the night sky and see the beauty of what you have created. I enjoyed the bonding time I had with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank you. I thank you for being adopted into your son-ship. You know Dave totality spoke something big into my heart. The fact that you adopted me, means so much. Yes a father and mother take joy in having child, but to adopt. I mean that is huge. The process it takes to adopted as humans is overwhelming. From signing papers, money, tons of time, courts, constant check ups, thinking, emotions, and overall the ability to say yes or no to a photo or description of a child. The fact that you are able to say yes to me, I know deep down in my soul it means so much. My soul may be downcast, but it knows this awesome love. I am no father, but I surely need you to reign and fight for me still. I need you to teach me. I need you Jesus to hold my hand and protect me from myself and the enemy.
Jesus as I read the Words you spoke, Luke 2 is an awesome story of what Mary and the other characters experienced. You gave them stories to remember. You gave hope to the prophet and prophetess. You put joy into their spirits, yet you gave your mother so much more. You gave her a living relationship. The fact that she even was scared, tested, fearful, and so many emotions as a young mother and on top of you being God, must have been crazy. I bet Mary even acted like a child before you and the Father. She did not understand the time you stood in the temple, but she kept all those treasures in her heart. I find it awesome that she had learned from he past. Luke 2:19 says, "But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart." The fact that Mary had to ponder these thoughts and events was more than just thinking. I bet she wrestled with you God. I bet she wrestled with the fact that her child was no ordinary child, but would be her savior too. Mary heard everything the shepherds spoke about, but she had to stop and really wrestle with it. Although she struggled she treasured it. Lord I do hope I can learn to treasure all my times with.
Years later she went to the temple to give offering and not knowing for a day, you was still in the temple or how you said in your "Father's house". You took so much joy even as a child. I know you know that your mother was worried and anxious, but that did not sway your time with your Father. Now you know all things. Once again you reminded your mother that she was mothering her own Savior and the worlds. After you questioning her twice, she did not understand probably at that moment. But the journey back home would be the time needed for her to come to conclusion. Years before she pondered and wrestled, yet during this time with you the Word says, "But his mother treasured all these things in her heart". Did she ponder? Well I do not know, but I am glad you revealed what your revealed. I look at this and I see the relationship step that much further even though she was your mother by earthly standards. You knew her questioning before hand. You gave her peace that you were who she knew some where deep down you would be. She knew what the people and angels said about you was true. Her world would be rocked and you would continuously have to remind her of your truth and life. From there you would then impact the world.
Lord I look back on my past. I will say i had many times of pondering. I still wrestle with you. Right now it is to the point of destroying my self. I have become so anxious and so stressed. I have have lost hold the adoption you placed in my life. I have lost the fact that your always good. You proved your love in the car accident, in my attendance at school, my studies, my time at church, my struggles with sin, my dreams, the ability to pay for school, the time you made me and my father hug, the endless nights of pain and crying, and the times you spoke through me, the times I sought for more, and etc. Lord, man, you was surely there. You have not left, but I know I did. I know I have forgotten the joy and commandments. Teach me Lord to love you and to love others. Lord may my soul jump inside because of the Spirits presence and works.
Lord I have written down many things during the retreat to bring forth to both Pastor's. I seek your Fathering. Lord you are my God and I ask for your presence. I ask for you to be in the midst of our relationships. Lord I seek correction, guidance, truth, faith, wisdom, hope, love, and everything you are. May I be set free? I ask for fruits to bear in the season. I ask for rain and the perfect farmer to move. May your law be treasured in my heart. May I have faith Jesus with first experiencing your adoption as a Son. Thank you Abba. Thank you. If no one was here, I would just want to jump and cry at Hosanna in the Highest. Jesus man, you just take so much of us. I can not believe that this is so awesome. I was adopted and now your adopting more and more children. Thank you for this morning. =]
Jesus as I read the Words you spoke, Luke 2 is an awesome story of what Mary and the other characters experienced. You gave them stories to remember. You gave hope to the prophet and prophetess. You put joy into their spirits, yet you gave your mother so much more. You gave her a living relationship. The fact that she even was scared, tested, fearful, and so many emotions as a young mother and on top of you being God, must have been crazy. I bet Mary even acted like a child before you and the Father. She did not understand the time you stood in the temple, but she kept all those treasures in her heart. I find it awesome that she had learned from he past. Luke 2:19 says, "But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart." The fact that Mary had to ponder these thoughts and events was more than just thinking. I bet she wrestled with you God. I bet she wrestled with the fact that her child was no ordinary child, but would be her savior too. Mary heard everything the shepherds spoke about, but she had to stop and really wrestle with it. Although she struggled she treasured it. Lord I do hope I can learn to treasure all my times with.
Years later she went to the temple to give offering and not knowing for a day, you was still in the temple or how you said in your "Father's house". You took so much joy even as a child. I know you know that your mother was worried and anxious, but that did not sway your time with your Father. Now you know all things. Once again you reminded your mother that she was mothering her own Savior and the worlds. After you questioning her twice, she did not understand probably at that moment. But the journey back home would be the time needed for her to come to conclusion. Years before she pondered and wrestled, yet during this time with you the Word says, "But his mother treasured all these things in her heart". Did she ponder? Well I do not know, but I am glad you revealed what your revealed. I look at this and I see the relationship step that much further even though she was your mother by earthly standards. You knew her questioning before hand. You gave her peace that you were who she knew some where deep down you would be. She knew what the people and angels said about you was true. Her world would be rocked and you would continuously have to remind her of your truth and life. From there you would then impact the world.
Lord I look back on my past. I will say i had many times of pondering. I still wrestle with you. Right now it is to the point of destroying my self. I have become so anxious and so stressed. I have have lost hold the adoption you placed in my life. I have lost the fact that your always good. You proved your love in the car accident, in my attendance at school, my studies, my time at church, my struggles with sin, my dreams, the ability to pay for school, the time you made me and my father hug, the endless nights of pain and crying, and the times you spoke through me, the times I sought for more, and etc. Lord, man, you was surely there. You have not left, but I know I did. I know I have forgotten the joy and commandments. Teach me Lord to love you and to love others. Lord may my soul jump inside because of the Spirits presence and works.
Lord I have written down many things during the retreat to bring forth to both Pastor's. I seek your Fathering. Lord you are my God and I ask for your presence. I ask for you to be in the midst of our relationships. Lord I seek correction, guidance, truth, faith, wisdom, hope, love, and everything you are. May I be set free? I ask for fruits to bear in the season. I ask for rain and the perfect farmer to move. May your law be treasured in my heart. May I have faith Jesus with first experiencing your adoption as a Son. Thank you Abba. Thank you. If no one was here, I would just want to jump and cry at Hosanna in the Highest. Jesus man, you just take so much of us. I can not believe that this is so awesome. I was adopted and now your adopting more and more children. Thank you for this morning. =]
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
A Land of Nothing
I want to let you know God, that I know that your here. Not once have you left me, but many times I have left you. Lord, I am crying out to you. My heart, my mind, my strength, and my soul have become so downcast. Not only do I feel fear, but I am truly losing sight of what is next to do. My back hurts everyday. The stress has caused me to become so lost. I want to be set free today. I want to go where I should go. I want to hear your deep voice in me. I am so done. I have asked many what to do, but every thing sounds the same, but it is not you. I long to hear your calling once again. Lord you know that right now my pain is building. I will say that my life is not taken from me, but it is surely in your hands. I please ask, stop this. Stop it! It hurts Abba. From one season to the next. It is constantly the same things. Money and whether I should serve at Step With Christ Church. On top of that how can I drive so many miles. My earthly father continuously tells me that need to be a man. Lord, have you not made his mouth? Then why make him say such words! Why can you give me words to say! I want to come to something new. I love you Jesus. I can honestly say that I do knot know you like Peter and the disciples did, but I read your Word and all I can say, it is you that I want to see when I read your Words that come from you. I am so burden. I will not stop though. Just like Jacob, Lord how long do I have to wrestle with you? How long? Is that really you?? I want you, my only Father to bless me! I want to be able to say my Father is with me, I want to have confidence in you Jesus. Just like Paul in Philippians 3:10-11. My lips are shut, my mind races, and my heart is broken. I have sin. I have done wrong. My soul knows it. I sense it when I fail. My soul is so gone. It is so dirty. Lord I will honestly say I have fucked up. My soul is so broken and I cannot even see what it desires. I cannot see what you are doing. Yes, your Word is being at work, but Lord where are the visible fruits. Will you not place people in front of me? Will you not save your child? Will I have to come back to you in the midst of my earthly father looking at me with disgusted eyes. I cannot even get his blessing. So I look for you. I have faith that your more powerful. My anchor is in you because you have placed it first. Lord I know the Word is in me. I find it so lovely. I find it so refreshing. Lord you know my sin. Please blot it out. Jesus I ask for your redemptive love and cross to save me. Please, show your face. I have a mask on. I do not know how big it is. My Savior, there is no water, there is no one, but your my living water and my living God. May you set me on level ground. May I not trust my own understanding, but dwell in you. Yet, Lord place my heart in an area of your presence, so that my eyes may open, my soul may be healed by this evil spirit that attacks me. Lord I plea for your hope. This storm is huge, Father with your power calm it. May your settle things down. May I lay it at your feet. I am glad that I have this internship. Thank you. Its yours. I am done trying to run. I am done. I am done. I guess you dont want me to move. I dont even know what to thing of it. That question, "where are you?" Well Lord I am here and I am so lost. Wait am I naked? Because I forgot how it is to be so bold to tell you. I am just lost. Please move hearts. Move mine. I need help!!!!!!! I NEED IT!! I NEED YOUR PRESENCE!!!! I NEED YOU JESUS!!! I NEED YOUR CROSS!!! I NEED YOUR TOUCH!!! I NEED YOUR HUG!!!! I NEED YOU!!! I NEED FORGIVENESS!!! I NEED TO LET GO!!! LORD WILL YOU HEAR ME!! WELL I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE. MAY YOU FINALLY BLESS ME!! CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE PORTION, CAN I SAY IN FAITH LET YOUR WILL BE DONE, BUT HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOU FOR YOUR MORE THAN I CAN UNDERSTAND.
Monday, September 10, 2012
The Sudden Change
Lord you know what has taken place this past three days. You know the failure and your know the hurt. You know the brokenness that I am now currently in. I may not show it, but its there. I can honestly say that I find it hard to cry like I use to. I do not like that, but have I grow that bold to hold things in or give them up in faith. Crying is the best remedy at times. Today I did cry while I was at Water of Life service. I feel the pushing inside of me. To be honest, I feel so lost in what should I do. Certainly, your listening. Certainly, you are fulfilling your promises, but can I be still to pay attention.
I was given til Sept. 20th to move from Eriko's place. I went to my room, thinking well what is next.I could not think straight, but I knew right then and there I needed to go to my parents and say I need to come back. So yesterday I just moved my stuff back, but with out my old furniture and TV. We have had it for more than 10-15 years. Surely, you are stripping me of my own stuff. Now I got to make $225 monthly payment on top of my $116 health insurance, $100 car payment, $125 car insurance, and credit card debt. Lord, I hate dealing with money, but man help me out here. I was given an opportunity to do ministry and get paid from Pastor Will, but how can I with my two internships? Do I move in a mid-season? Do I let go of Youth Ministry Outreach Internship? Do stay still? Do I need a real part-time job? Lord, I need you to start speaking to me again. I ask for grace. I ask for forgiveness. I need you every moment of my life and you know how much that I desire you. It may fight against my flesh and do act prideful at times, but Lord your the life changer to my life. Father I want to say Jesus has changed me from the inside out. I cannot see this years vision, but I need you to make clarity. I need you to fight hell and all the demons that desire to take down your servant. Confuse your servant, or even tempt me. I need you. I need you. I need you. My life has always felt like a constant battle of know myself. I have always fought knowing my identity. I never been at peace were I am now at and have been at. And if I have it was short lived. Do I go with change Lord, our do I stay still? I need more than just myself to make a decision based on my situation and what I think of your will, but I need your amazing power and love to make grace that much more living and breath taking. I do not know what to do. I need to make moves. Well that is what I see. Lord were do I move? Are you moving others for me? Are your seeing me like you say those before me with greater faith? Are you listening to me like you did with Moses and Paul? I need you. I desperately need you to make my fallen efforts and fallen pride. I need you to teach me your love, wisdom and who you are. Make a new of my spirit. Restore it. Revive my sensitivity. Heal me. Abba in the power of your Son name make a way in this desert.
I was given til Sept. 20th to move from Eriko's place. I went to my room, thinking well what is next.I could not think straight, but I knew right then and there I needed to go to my parents and say I need to come back. So yesterday I just moved my stuff back, but with out my old furniture and TV. We have had it for more than 10-15 years. Surely, you are stripping me of my own stuff. Now I got to make $225 monthly payment on top of my $116 health insurance, $100 car payment, $125 car insurance, and credit card debt. Lord, I hate dealing with money, but man help me out here. I was given an opportunity to do ministry and get paid from Pastor Will, but how can I with my two internships? Do I move in a mid-season? Do I let go of Youth Ministry Outreach Internship? Do stay still? Do I need a real part-time job? Lord, I need you to start speaking to me again. I ask for grace. I ask for forgiveness. I need you every moment of my life and you know how much that I desire you. It may fight against my flesh and do act prideful at times, but Lord your the life changer to my life. Father I want to say Jesus has changed me from the inside out. I cannot see this years vision, but I need you to make clarity. I need you to fight hell and all the demons that desire to take down your servant. Confuse your servant, or even tempt me. I need you. I need you. I need you. My life has always felt like a constant battle of know myself. I have always fought knowing my identity. I never been at peace were I am now at and have been at. And if I have it was short lived. Do I go with change Lord, our do I stay still? I need more than just myself to make a decision based on my situation and what I think of your will, but I need your amazing power and love to make grace that much more living and breath taking. I do not know what to do. I need to make moves. Well that is what I see. Lord were do I move? Are you moving others for me? Are your seeing me like you say those before me with greater faith? Are you listening to me like you did with Moses and Paul? I need you. I desperately need you to make my fallen efforts and fallen pride. I need you to teach me your love, wisdom and who you are. Make a new of my spirit. Restore it. Revive my sensitivity. Heal me. Abba in the power of your Son name make a way in this desert.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
The Power of the Gospel
I first want to say this past week has not been easy. I have been struggling with sin and the desire to find satisfaction in my own self. I will say that this is normal for all sinners. I am no different than that person on the streets committing so-called "worse" sins. The thoughts of sin, grace, and suffering have become a constant topic in my faith. Philippians and Ephesians have become an eye opener to these topics. I find it amazing how Paul had such wisdom, yet even he notes it is Christ that is his boast. As I read "Grace and Grit" I am surprised; yet, even in 1 Peter 4:12, Peter is not surprised by the power of the Gospel and the fact that we should not be surprised by sufferings for we are all crucified in Christ.
I just want to take note to myself that this evening I left church with the intention to spend time with my God. I went hiking and started to read again the book of Philippians and Hebrews. I was glad to.
I thought about the messages, since they were about sufferings and how the early Christians were persecuted, yet Acts 1:8 was being fulfilled when Philip went to Sameria. I then thought about the background of Sameria and the women at the well that Jesus talked to. I know that even she was considered dirty to the Southern part of Israel, but Christ saw more than a beast, but saw His loving daughter and sister. Even though she had committed adultery, she was told not to sin no more and to drink from the living water that Christ would give. I just love that amazing story. It is one of my favorites.
Then I even thought about my calling. First message was about Genesis 50 and the death of Joesph. We know the story of Joesph, but never acknowledge God in the midst of it all and His promised covenant. I never noticed it, but reading Hebrews 11 in a sense tells the story of God and the building of faith. Then I decided to go deeper than the message and read the faith of Moses. I found it crazy that Moses did have a choice of being the ruler he would be with all the world at his hands and note for a short time, or be despised for the sake of the future riches of Christ Jesus. The calling was clear and the goal was set. The obstacles are just mere obstacles, yet we can lose focus of the goal. Jesus is our goal. Here is a quote to know,
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."- Henry Ford
This is so true. Lord I hope my eyes are continuously on you. Tonight you proved your calling while I was at Corner Bakery. As I was reading you introduced me to Sam. Nice guy from Pure and hopes to go to a Christian college. I pray that you do make a way for him to be a minister to your ministry. Then as I viewed the young man by himself, I could not help but wonder why would he sit by himself. You know we live in an age that being alone is considered weird. So I thought and your pressed in my heart to talk to him. I got up from my chair after 5-10min of thinking and said if I can join him. From there you introduced me to Xavier. Young man at the age of 14 and longed to know the Lord. Like many young men, he was in football and baseball. Had a girl friend and had so much to deal with. The youth, man how much I enjoy speaking with them. Then he was just speaking about how much he wished to go to church, and how his girl friend goes to Bible studies and he would like to. Then he mentioning that his Bible in on the desk where he does homework. I wonder how many of the youth are that close from you. Nevertheless, Lord you deserve all the praise for pressing my heart to speak. Now i know the story of his uncle who had died for 11 minutes by a gang stabbing in the left chest. His uncle had seen the Lord and now is serving for your Kingdom. I hope to remember that story and share your glory in his life and Xavier's. I hope to meet him again at Etiwanda.
Lord may you lead me to campus ministry. My I be your instrument. May your love, grace, and truth abound.
I just want to take note to myself that this evening I left church with the intention to spend time with my God. I went hiking and started to read again the book of Philippians and Hebrews. I was glad to.
I thought about the messages, since they were about sufferings and how the early Christians were persecuted, yet Acts 1:8 was being fulfilled when Philip went to Sameria. I then thought about the background of Sameria and the women at the well that Jesus talked to. I know that even she was considered dirty to the Southern part of Israel, but Christ saw more than a beast, but saw His loving daughter and sister. Even though she had committed adultery, she was told not to sin no more and to drink from the living water that Christ would give. I just love that amazing story. It is one of my favorites.
Then I even thought about my calling. First message was about Genesis 50 and the death of Joesph. We know the story of Joesph, but never acknowledge God in the midst of it all and His promised covenant. I never noticed it, but reading Hebrews 11 in a sense tells the story of God and the building of faith. Then I decided to go deeper than the message and read the faith of Moses. I found it crazy that Moses did have a choice of being the ruler he would be with all the world at his hands and note for a short time, or be despised for the sake of the future riches of Christ Jesus. The calling was clear and the goal was set. The obstacles are just mere obstacles, yet we can lose focus of the goal. Jesus is our goal. Here is a quote to know,
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."- Henry Ford
This is so true. Lord I hope my eyes are continuously on you. Tonight you proved your calling while I was at Corner Bakery. As I was reading you introduced me to Sam. Nice guy from Pure and hopes to go to a Christian college. I pray that you do make a way for him to be a minister to your ministry. Then as I viewed the young man by himself, I could not help but wonder why would he sit by himself. You know we live in an age that being alone is considered weird. So I thought and your pressed in my heart to talk to him. I got up from my chair after 5-10min of thinking and said if I can join him. From there you introduced me to Xavier. Young man at the age of 14 and longed to know the Lord. Like many young men, he was in football and baseball. Had a girl friend and had so much to deal with. The youth, man how much I enjoy speaking with them. Then he was just speaking about how much he wished to go to church, and how his girl friend goes to Bible studies and he would like to. Then he mentioning that his Bible in on the desk where he does homework. I wonder how many of the youth are that close from you. Nevertheless, Lord you deserve all the praise for pressing my heart to speak. Now i know the story of his uncle who had died for 11 minutes by a gang stabbing in the left chest. His uncle had seen the Lord and now is serving for your Kingdom. I hope to remember that story and share your glory in his life and Xavier's. I hope to meet him again at Etiwanda.
Lord may you lead me to campus ministry. My I be your instrument. May your love, grace, and truth abound.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
The Endless Thoughts:Suffering
No one want to come to the conclusion that all this world brings is suffering. In fact, our society desires to find a cure to all forms of suffering. Well is there? Can a world fill with imperfect find its perfection. Can a cure to one disease lead to a cure to all? Can the possibility of eternal life (meaning physical), be the best cure ever? Stop and think of the consequences. Can a limited world become infinite with the driven force of man? Can life be brought to a state of perfection?
August has been a month of thoughts and laying down my pride. Well Jesus you are at work in me. The thought that my Christian walk should be full of joy and happiness is prideful. It is the opposite of being Christ-like. To want perfection in an imperfect world is becoming a god, its being proud, its being something that I cannot be. It is this thought that brought about wars, empires, capitalism, slavery, divorce, and many more self-worth desires. Surely, you know that we are meant to be one in you.
Jesus I thank you for coming on earth to make an example of what unity with the Father is. Surely we are called to be co-heirs with you. Surely we are to be servants with you. To have confidence in my flesh is to be so far from your grace. Paul writes in Philippians that he desires to be confident in You. He desires to suffer along you as if it was profitable. What is it that he sees? Obviously I had missed it and I hope to live it. He never saw the suffering as profit or the recognition, but he saw you as the riches he would receive. It is as if he understood Stephen. He basically saw Stephen stoned and then called out the order to do so. Surely, that image and him hearing Stephen saying, "Look, I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God", became a throne in his flesh. The thought of what he was may have or may have not left him even though he spent three years in Arabia.
Paul desired to want to know you. I this word know in Greek is the same one use in Hebrew in Genesis 4:1. In that Paul wanted to know your power, your righteousness, your love, your grace, everything that is you. But even we cannot fathom or think to know we got it in our grasp. I am a jar of clay that continuously gets broken and re-shaped. On that thought, Paul wanted to share in your sufferings. He understood that sharing in sufferings we becomes that much more dependent on you and your Holy Spirit. By this somehow, just somehow, the power of the resurrection becomes attainable for your glory. The power of the Holy Spirit is then working through faith.
Just like Francis Chan, I want to be able to walk this world proclaim you. But when I speak I do not want to be just saying mere words, but words of the Holy One. I want to be intimate with you to the point of understanding your heart for all of your creation. To at least try to fathom your love for me.
God, you know that I want to go forth. You know my situation right now. I have two internships. I have a broken heart. I am filled with evil things and worldly things when it comes to church. I am ready to move when your ready to. I am desiring to teach. I am desiring to preach. I am desiring to be reestablished. I am desiring things to build a ministers heart and mind. Therefore, all this comes from you. All this you can deal with. Only in you can I find myself. My flesh is hard to battle, but more than that I need your armor to press forward in this world and within your bride.
I guess I should not be surprised of the great work within me. Your Word is not surprised by it. Your not surprised. Man your awesome. 1 Peter 4:12
August has been a month of thoughts and laying down my pride. Well Jesus you are at work in me. The thought that my Christian walk should be full of joy and happiness is prideful. It is the opposite of being Christ-like. To want perfection in an imperfect world is becoming a god, its being proud, its being something that I cannot be. It is this thought that brought about wars, empires, capitalism, slavery, divorce, and many more self-worth desires. Surely, you know that we are meant to be one in you.
Jesus I thank you for coming on earth to make an example of what unity with the Father is. Surely we are called to be co-heirs with you. Surely we are to be servants with you. To have confidence in my flesh is to be so far from your grace. Paul writes in Philippians that he desires to be confident in You. He desires to suffer along you as if it was profitable. What is it that he sees? Obviously I had missed it and I hope to live it. He never saw the suffering as profit or the recognition, but he saw you as the riches he would receive. It is as if he understood Stephen. He basically saw Stephen stoned and then called out the order to do so. Surely, that image and him hearing Stephen saying, "Look, I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God", became a throne in his flesh. The thought of what he was may have or may have not left him even though he spent three years in Arabia.
Paul desired to want to know you. I this word know in Greek is the same one use in Hebrew in Genesis 4:1. In that Paul wanted to know your power, your righteousness, your love, your grace, everything that is you. But even we cannot fathom or think to know we got it in our grasp. I am a jar of clay that continuously gets broken and re-shaped. On that thought, Paul wanted to share in your sufferings. He understood that sharing in sufferings we becomes that much more dependent on you and your Holy Spirit. By this somehow, just somehow, the power of the resurrection becomes attainable for your glory. The power of the Holy Spirit is then working through faith.
Just like Francis Chan, I want to be able to walk this world proclaim you. But when I speak I do not want to be just saying mere words, but words of the Holy One. I want to be intimate with you to the point of understanding your heart for all of your creation. To at least try to fathom your love for me.
God, you know that I want to go forth. You know my situation right now. I have two internships. I have a broken heart. I am filled with evil things and worldly things when it comes to church. I am ready to move when your ready to. I am desiring to teach. I am desiring to preach. I am desiring to be reestablished. I am desiring things to build a ministers heart and mind. Therefore, all this comes from you. All this you can deal with. Only in you can I find myself. My flesh is hard to battle, but more than that I need your armor to press forward in this world and within your bride.
I guess I should not be surprised of the great work within me. Your Word is not surprised by it. Your not surprised. Man your awesome. 1 Peter 4:12
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