The Start of a New

You know things are not perfect when things are real. I enter the start of a new season. Things are becoming more and more real as i enter. Do i feel ready? Am i ready? Starting a new chapter in life is not easy. The sense of having something to hold on to is at most importance. Its as if you want to change yet your accustomed to the old. The sense of being whole is now fading because now that you have grown its no longer whole, but once again ready to be filled.

Is it right to throw bleach into dirty water hoping that it will clean it? I dont think so, it just makes more of a mess and then overflows. Things were never perfect i just knew that i must enjoy what i had, for the change would come and once again it would be the struggle of living with that purpose i was given.

There is a time for everything.
A time for planting,
A time for reaping,
A time to destroy,
A time to construct,
A time to cry,
A time to laugh,
A time to count your gains,
A time to count your losses,
A time to hold on,
A time to let go,
A time to SHUT UP,
A time to SPEAK UP,
A time to LOVE,
A time to HATE.
Those four i seem to have trouble with and this is why i highlight them. In the end there is noting that will be carried with me besides Love and Hate. What good does it do to try to impress and what good does it do when trying to get someones attention? What good does it do to rely on someone when they too fail? Why does it seem that we start a new we try to have people notice? What glory is it all for? Does boasting improve yourself? Do good works with wrong intentions bring forth fruit? Can i say what i was doing was a sense of fear? Do i fear the next season and not even notice it? Something does not seem right. All around me things are into place. But I. Do i fall into place? Am i in the right place? These next three weeks are going to be the most difficult, i sense it. I sense that i will not SHUT UP when i should and that i will not SPEAK UP when i should. I will LOVE when i shouldnt and I will HATE when i shouldnt. I have decided that there's nothing better to do that go ahead and have a good time and get the most i can out of life, its God's gift. Yet, when given a gift do you see the right intentions or are we blind to see the heart of it all. I have been given so much lately, but am i messing the point of all this??? Am i to just receive it and let go. Am i suppose to keep seeking your gifts and prepare for the new start, the new chapter, the new epic journey of life.

For two years i was seeking the life of college and now that its on its way, do i have the right heart. Does it really make a difference in life for me? I have also concluded that whatever Christ does, thats the way its going to be, always. Yet when i try to make things happen i fail. I guess this is the end of that road and now that i am knowing the next road is coming up, i am busy starring at the surroundings thinking i am going to lose most of this and what is to come?? I am fighting the thought of letting go of things and holding on to others. What is worth fighting for and keeping? Can i honestly wrestle the huge God of my life over things i want? I want to fight for You, Lord, yet i want to fight for they and I. I see what is in front of me right now and want it. I want to fight for it. I want to try, but am i trying to hard?

As i think, i am falling down the path i have once fallen. Help me to not lose myself and walk on water before i drown into a new season. You are faithful. I am not, they are not, we are not. Watch over me. I pray for them as well to watch over them. So easy to cry out to you and see You once second yet fall the next. We need You every second. We need You every minute, every hour, every day, month, season, year and life time. We just need You for there is none like You.

Justin and Nicole

Justin and Nicole. How much i love these two and how much they have been the big brother and sister i have always needed. From the first day i stepped into Step With Christ they were the two that i have always saw as support. When i felt so far or so alone i knew i had them for the physical comfort.

Being the oldest child and coming to know Christ in my high school years they defined my definition of older brother and sister. The endless night i would be driven home by Justin and just talk about everything, listen to Phil Wickham and Hillsong, then have me watch the Jeremy Camp concert cd that i still watch every once in a while. He has truly impacted my life, from having me think about my issues in prayer and just dream big and try to impact this world big. I thank Christ every time i see Justin for his presence in my life and just being apart of my journey. I can honestly say i love him. I thank you Justin for teaching me how to play guitar, helping me get into the word, and just giving me advice and prayer. Even thinking about it right now makes me get all soft inside, because man, i would not be the person i am today because of him. I truly do not want to lose a hold of a big part of my life.

Nicole you have always been a huge impact in my life. I see you and i see so much compassion, love, and spunk for Christ. I hope younger women can look up to you cause truly you are a gift. I thank you for the endless talks, the walks, and prayers. You have always encouraged me and reminded me of how much i am worth in Christ. Your presence is soothing and hope i can find someone in life with a similar reflection. Anyone who has an older sister understands that they will see women some what to be similar like there older sister and i have come to think like that. I love you mucho and thank Christ for you being the biggest impact on my life.

I enjoy being with you guys especially after today going to church and eating out. Its a great feeling to have people like you in my life and just look up to. I too pray that the impact you guys have done in my life i can do the same for whom ever i meet. Thanks so much and i hope to forever be in touch and just be connected. Thanks you guys. Thank you for hearing me when i was angry, dry, low, dirty, sinful, crying, joyful, confused, seeking, happy, prideful, anything. Just thank you and i am thankful to Christ for having two awesome gifts from above. I know you guys will be fit for each, saw it from day one. Then picked on Justin way to much when i was younger. LOVE YOU GUYS. THANKS AGAIN!!! Dang just might cry. haha

To Focus On One

People are telling me that i will find someone at Biola, but its not like i am looking, its not like i am not, i am just enjoying my walk and whom i ever meet no matter the place i just have to have my eyes focus on one. I am not looking for love, for i have found Love. He has had me since i was in the deepest of depths. Yet does not hurt to try to find someone, but that is if they pop up in my life. Such at her, i surely think about her although i do not know her well. But i know God uses our heart to pray over others. She is the one i see in front of me, for i only focus on what is in front of me. Maybe there is the chance, but i do not need this chance, i guess. I am not looking for someone, but it is hard to say and even harder to see in action. But she is the Lords not mine. All i can do is pray for her and her situation since she already shared a piece of her broken heart. That is enough to have me think and stop and say a prayer for her. Its hard for a guy like me to not tend to just draw near a single gal like her. I have grown to be patient and just enjoy what little pieces i experience now and know the best experience to whom i ever meet are to come in the future. For now i say she is attractive because Your in her, makes so much more of the different. Many gals are out there, but just going to keep my eyes focus for how long You allow me to be. I will see where this journey leads me, but i know i am with a Savior and i love Him so much. HE made my year. He gave me so much more. I love you Jesus.

Crazy Love Part 1

About three years i gave my heart to Christ. I was one broken person. Looking at my blogs from last year and this year, truly i was in a deep valley.

By day i had a mask on, yet sometimes i could not hold it on and snap in front of others. By night i was crying my way to sleep, asking why my life was so broken. Those endless nights felt so dark. All i remember is my heart waging war with its junk and knowing that something was illuminating my depths. I fought it so much, but i found myself being weak. The illusion of life being okay was what ate me alive.

I did not know myself. I would want to always fit in and some how i did to an extent. Endlessly i would try new things. Continuously i wanted to not be alone. The chaos at home made me brittle. I saw answers, yet nothing filled it. Remembering a time when staring up at the sky and thinking how as a kid i would have never imagine my road to be so bumpy. I would have never thought of doing drugs, i would never have thought of life being so meaningless, i would have never thought that God was fake. That night looking at the stars, i saw only myself.

The past night this week i was outside with my sister looking at meteors. I mean get a chance to see them, its a wonderful thing. Such small clumps of rock from the outer reaches of our solar system can make the night sky brighten up. They do not rain down in a continuous manner, yet you have to know where to look and be patient. Patience brings the beauty of nature and its wonders.

Just being with my sister made me see what i have become. I have become something much more in life. Every good and perfect gift comes from above and that night i was thinking how much my family is to me. I love my sister and how i would spend another night with her. I saw my life and what i have gone through was for me to be a man of Christ. That when my family is down and when i meet the right person i would be looking for strength in my savior. That i will be willing to fight the good fight. That my father would give me the strength to be everything he has called me to be. That he would lead me with strong hands. That he would help me stand. That he would let me give up things that tie me down. That he would not let me do things alone. Thats when i knew i was not alone, was never and would never be.

Looking at my past blogs, if i was then and outside looking at the sky, i would miss the main point. I would have thought to myself why don't i have someone special to watch this with. Why is it that i was trampled like a rose and here again on this night im alone. I did struggle with the idea of being single for long periods and not wanting to give a piece of me to a person that i know would snatch it way. Yet i feel as if i was not looking in the right direction and was missing the beauty of what was in that part of my life.

This being the fourth christmas after accepting Christ, i have never felt so alive. There is the crazy love that is unexplainable and all i want to do is let others know that we all have similar situation or stories and how Christ is the answer. Its an overwhelming feeling. Its as if even in the mist of trials i can just be still and look at his wonders and see that he has me. The past Christmas seasons i was broken, broken inside, thinking that i can cover it. I tried so hard to cover myself with a tent i was familiar with while he waited patiently to have me ask for his tent to protect me. Surely during these dark times he looked at me and cried as i cried, but he knew that i had so much more to give up. He knew that life was something to not regret. That when my weaknesses popped up, he would use them for strength. That he would show me how much he loves me. To really impact me. To be overwhelmed by this crazy love that saved me and would do so for others.

Light Up the Sky

Surely its of amazement how natural events such as a meteor shower can reflect Gods creation. Night is said to be full of darkness, yet God created stars and the moon to help guide. The Sun does not shine at night yet their are people in our lives that are bright enough to shine his reflection on a cold night.

Every season bring a sense of comfort and discomfort.
Every step feels the need of caution, yet why?
Every moment is a time of thought.
Every second is not a second of becoming young, but old.
Every blessing comes with grace.
Every storm comes with the eye of calmness.
Every shout comes with a hearts cry.
Every prayer comes with an answer.

I can't get enough of Christ. In your generous love i am really living. A part of me wants to stand up for what you have stand up for me. Right now you are lighting up my sky and i cannot deny that your are with me. This Christmas you are all around me and i know it, i some how know it. It may have been my fault that i did not know before, but in every season you were guiding me. You were guiding me home to your heart. I continue to seek your heart. I continue to see how you will light up my sky. I want to live today knowing you have my tomorrow.
Its your love that makes better days. Its your love that is the only thing that matters. Its your love that is the only thing that lights up the darkness. All i ever needed and cried out for, was your love.

Being More

Today i learned a lot about myself.
First i have not overcome my old habits.
I feel as if i hit the end of the full circle and about to be tested again.
I mentions before better days.
I know it will.

Better Days

Well this week is some what finals week. Life seems so fast and is moving at 20mph. They say life goes as fast as your age. So now im speeding up in which i effect other people lives more and more. Looking back on the past year and Christmas years i truly could not understand what it meant to be with family and hope for something more in life. To look at life with hope and have faith. Christmas for me is much more this year. It has impacted me more. I have seen so many things happen that i would have thought a year ago to not happen, but something told me my savior heard my prayer.

In this blog i wrote so much craziness, but i think i am going to take it to the next level. Tonight is the night where the world begins again. Tonight i want to give my self to my savior and see forth his will.

This Christmas i do not look for boxes of presents, designer cloths, money (well maybe money to pay for bills -__-), but i hoping for better days. I am looking for peace, looking for a new chapter in my life, looking to see where my Christ will lead me. I wish everyone on Christmas can look to one another and see that there is a chance to find better days in everything. From relationships, friendships, financial situation, love, hope, faith, joy and i do not know but everything that burdens a persons heart. I bet if everyone can sing and write music, the world would sing something so similar, because we all long something.

There was that one child that saved the world. So tender, so delicate, so warm. His words forever changed my heart and did so many people. He is soft as snow in the mist of a storm. He is the eye of the storm when the hurricane is at its full strength. He can lead the way to better days. Some how i know he can. Thats who he is. He could have came like forest fire with the power of heavens flame, yet he came like a winter snow to the earth below. You were quite and slow. Your voice was not in a rushing wind. But it was still, it was small, it was hidden. It was the whisper that i some how knew, yet would push.

I still get fearful and doubt better days ahead, but my heart sings out that tonight is the night that he will make this simple. It is something simple he gives, because for Christmas its about receiving His presence in our lives. Faith, Hope, Love=Christ. I really do look for better days in my career path, my family, my church, my relationships, and most of all my walk with Christ.

You may ask me what i may want this year, i say i ask for a chance of better days for everyone and myself. Thanks Lord for already impacting my family in a way that is amazing cause i some how see it. I know your here. I know that your carrying me and holding like a potter hold the clay and shapes the vase. Give me the chance. Take these words and my heart. I have faith in you, because my heart always fights to tell my mind your enough.

December to Start

School has brought me to a position in which i have stopped writing. I understand that it is my hearts will to write, yet the flesh and mind are not. I am writing to tell myself that instead of waiting for New Years to start something, i want to just lay my life before my savior.

I feel as being patient is my toughest thing to do while in the mist of the moment, yet i know that it is needed. Love is patient. Something that seems to always make me happy to know my Christ is patient. Look back this has been my best Christmas season yet. I have been through so much in the past, but this is more. I really think with my small mind that i somewhat understand Christmas, yet i really dont.

My life has changed. I see the better days to come with my walk with Christ. I do not really have much in my life, but i see that he is all i need. I have so many chances to see my life change right now. There is schools i want to go to, the career path to walk, the viewing of my family struggle in God, yet grow, the chance to dance with a girl this Christmas, a chance to sing with my family and reach out to them, the chance of enjoying a new church, he change of a new car. A new is at its feet. The chance of just finally letting go a bit more. My heart turns to face the Lord. This is the day that i say that i want to receive the Lord.

Lord after reading psalms, i want to be able to stand in your court. Not to have the jury fight for my defense or have them love me. But judge, i want to call to my defense something more than anything. I want Christ. I want to see him make a way. In the mist of trial that i can learn and see my sins. That Christ can hold me tight like the potter that shapes a vase. Christ is soft as snow, rough as a hurricane, yet loving when he center of the eye is revealed. His center is calm, loving, and bright. HE needs to rough us, to soften our hearts. Thanks Christ. This week may i truly be patient for this event. You know my heart and prepare it. See to save your child, do not be one second late to protect me from everything. Walk the streets with me, drive in my passenger seat, and be next to me in my studies, but above all take hold of me when i cannot see or hear.

Psalm 51 Message.

I will praise you forever, O God, for what you have done. I will wait for your mercies in the presence of your people. Psalm 52:9 NLT

The Cry

It is hard to continue writing on my Journal, but its always here.

Lord, hear my cry.
My mind struggles to understand that i must follow my heart.
Those around me see you, yet do they?
Is my hope, for myself, or is it more?
I feel like i am thinking beyond myself, yet do I?
Do i seek your glory, or do i seek worldly glory?
Do i seek your will or do i try to make something that others have?
I thought i understood, but i dont.
I saw what was in front of me yet it attacks me.
I feel drained. I feel helpless. I feel alive and awake.
I feel that i need you even more. But yet do i understand?
What do i need to understand? I believe what you say, yet with this
they do not.
I want to move away, yet i want to fight.
How do i fight? Wait i take that back, but how can i feel you when i am still.
The lions surround me. Blessings are possible, yet the beast is on the hunt.
He is hunting. He is winning. The darkness is falling.
As quick as the light shined, the darkness arrived.
Like the song being played right now.
I am hanging on to every Word you say.
Every word you speak. Everything you have done.
Being here is like a prison. To share you, is difficult.
Its as what i say about you is just a story.
Not a fact.
What makes a persons heart open. How Lord?
Christ your power is beyond measure in which i cannot stand.
I fall down knowing that you are Holy.
Truly Lord this life is and should between me and you.
I cannot cut away my sins, but you are forgiver of all.
You can only make me pure as white snow.
Only you can read my emotions and know how to deal with it.
They Word that is meant to be our daily bread, help me truly look at it with hunger.
The darkness comes and goes, but you are beyond it.
Protect me with your almighty love.
The prayers that let Peter free, help set me free.
Christ please pray for me.
Please just take me.
Hold me close.
Watch me.
Save me.
Love me.
Huge me.
Be me.

My Prayer

Father. I know that my words can become twisted, but please listen or at least hear Christ prayer for me. Christ you know my heart and my thoughts. Right now i feel tired and feel exhausted with this timing of school. I am glad to look for help, so i am glad to pray with prayer, but there is one prayer that i hope you can remind me how i should look at your answer. Tomorrow i am going to College retreat with her and as it is its always hard to be around her. I feel as i got to struggle to keep myself from making a mistake, or just feeling weird. I guess i still like her, but i would rather be a big bro to her and watch over her as if she is my sister. Every day i feel like i walk alone in this physical world. I seem to not truly find peace at church because events are in korean culture based and so on. I love my church and it people, but for my faith its hard to walk when i want to go to an American conference when its only me and everyone is going to RCA. I respect this, but is it just me? Then i am glad to have family worship with Andys family, but its not my family. It hurts to sit there and just think differently about my family. I feel as i still cant find my home that i long for. I guess i am not of this world. Deliver me from this and pull me through. I seek for guidance and i do not know what to do in this big situation of being in search of a home. I dont know what to do with school or my financial situation. I am pressured Lord. Help me and save me. Lead me from temptation that i seek. Hear my hearts cries. You know Lord and as of know i dont know if i should look at the situation as a no or as a delay. What do i need to see? Let your kingdom come and not let my will be done, but your will. I prayer Lord to not fall into temptation that i know is physical and emotional. I pray that you will guide me and like how you Christ asked you disciples to not sleep, i prayer that i can some what fallow you into that command you told your disciples. I am a sinner and forgive me of my sins, but hear my hearts cries. I know i dont want to be selfish, but your not my God, your our God.

Things to Mention

I enjoy going to my church. I enjoy the people, the environment, the atmosphere. So much is to be loved about this place i call home. Yet being there for about four years i have struggled so much. I have struggled with friendships, relationships, authority, leadership, personalities, and so many other things. Also i can say in these areas i have had blessings. Everything i found myself looking for answers. I would ask questions, i would pray about topics, i would read books, and i would read my Bible most definitely. So i would encourage others to do the same. To myself i would think that my relationship with Christ would not be worth wild if i had not seek for answers. There must be this hunger for Love, for Truth, for Hope, for Wisdom, for sinlessness, for understanding how to live life, for Christ Himself. It is so easy to fall into a deep trance and just follow this world. I know that for a fact. I know that it is easy to become numb to the situations that are apart of our lives, but isn't there more to life than just being numb? Should we really look at life with what the world wants us to see it? Should i say that i need to be in a relationship with a female because i am pressure by all the world? No, but to a degree. It is important to understand what it means to let Christ be the center. Truly He has to be the center. Life to me cannot go on without this strive to see Him move in my life. I feel as if i need Him to breathe in my conflicts and in my joy. So i encourage myself and others to seek Christ. Now how is that? First the Lord's Prayer has pointed something to me so importantly, that this prayer is not just between me and Christ, but between me, my family, my church members, my friends, my co-workers, this world, and Christ. The Lord's Prayer does not start, "My Father...", but as "Our Father..." This is so significant to all people, because "it takes a community to know an individual" (Keller). For myself to know a person it makes it worth wild to see a person act in different situations with different people, because you can see different parts of the person. For example, me, Andy, and her. Now when i am with her she acts if she knows i am a shy person, yet can be deep into a conversation and she reacts with a different personality. Now with Andy she is more vibrant and bright. She shows a side of her that only i can see with Andy around. With certain people you can know that person even more. The community allows for viewing of different parts of a person. Same goes with the whole community as a church. As a community we get to see the Christ we seek within all ourselves. The Christ given characteristics in Justin are different from those of Paul's, but i still see the Christ figure in each person and can see a different side when they are around others. This concept of the community is important and i realize how much more the Body of Christ is meant to work. Not only do we heal each other or support each other, we get to learn more about Christ which is within all of us. Good example of this is the fact me and Justin talked about the sensitive subject about porn. Our culture thinks of it as a normal thing for boy's to see and go through, but as i watch Peasant Princesses from Mars Hill Church and want to think about my future family, i do not want to carry this certain sin with me. This subject was difficult to talk about at first, but my heart was seeking a way out or a chance of hope that i could not have seem to find, on my own, since i felt like i was able to walk alone with Christ for sometime. As time went by this conversation became so much more than what i had expected, since our culture between guys is so casual when with certain people and think about it girls do the same. But is it shameful to confess that a person wants to leave that life. That a person would want to look at his wife with the eyes of love and not lust. I felt if it were by grace that this sinful nature can be conquered. I felt this hope inside and currently feel it, but need to take it day by day. Yet for once in a long time, i felt this peace that i was not alone and that someone understands and that in that someone the Christ in them understands. It is important to have community. It is of importance to have communication. To listen. To understand. To talk. To just be humble. I think this is where the Lord's Prayer talks about forgiving our debtors and having Christ forgive our debts. Once again 1 Peter 5 talks about how Satan is a lion ready to attack, but to be humble before your elders for it makes you strong as well. This is communication at its best. For being young is effortless, but to grow takes strength from a community. I experienced this first hand many times, but recently i can say it make much more sense. So i encourage everyone to communicate, to elaborate, to speak up, to be in community, to strive for goals, to search for Christ in every situation and in ever person, to understand that he is "our God" and "not my God". I think this is how a church can break down the four walls of a church as a community and reach for others outside.

So...

Life is full of mysteries. Full of desires. Full of dreams. Full of infinite ideas. Yet, lately it has never click so much in my heart how Life is Christ. That in this world, that we all desire to just be love and be within love. Love is a word with no definitions, yet has humans we make definitions. I think that Love is what the word says it is. After seeing all the situations that people go through and how it is so easy to be lost, only love can save us. It funny how in life either we become the person who falls from Christ and goes down a road that seems endless, yet in the future we come back to Him knowing how much we need His love. I think i fall in this category if there is one. Although i can say that i am with in his love does not mean my sin is gone. Does not mean that i can control my sin or ever be free from it. Then there are those who fallow Christ, but want to receive His blessings or believe that they deserve something from God. I guess no matter how much we think that we can walk a straight walk, we cannot. Sin is apart of us. It something to be excepted and should be something that should be dealt by Christ only. So i am reading this book called The Prodigal God. Its based on Luke 15. This story was always a story that brought me joy to see how Christ is willing to always take us back into His arms. But this book talks so much more deeper about that parable. You know no matter how much i want to be strong in my faith i can never be there. I must need the strength of the only Savior. No matter how much we want to be perfect i think we as sinners need to stop. We need to stop and just realize our identity. By that we are sinners, but as well the precious jeweled child of Christ that has the citizenship of His Kingdom which is above all Kingdoms.

Finally

This fire that i believe that i have received by Christ is burning. Burning in joy to see my family move. Saturday was a day that showed me how important it is to share your faith. How to not give up hope with family. How to see the impossible become the possible. I still struggle with my sin, but my heart seeks the one and only savior. Last night i saw how much i need to be a leader in my family. I need to shine this light in me. I must struggle with it and shine it. My sister broke down in such a way that it was time. I do not know if she wants to fight the good fight like i did, but she is seeking truth in some way. This is the birth of how Christ moves. Glory to this moment in my life. I would have never expected to see this from Vanessa. I was happy for her to struggle, but i knew deep down that i need to be that leader for her too, because she cannot walk alone in the beginning. Like myself i had my church to support me, but at one point it became all Christ that was the center. I also need to be the leader for my mom and the rest of the family. I must not forget my identity in Christ. Right now i struggle to get myself back into my school mode. As well i am struggling to get into my daily devotion mode. Then next week is school. Now school is normally normal, but for me, she is going to be in my class and lab. Now this is surely going to be my struggle. The parts of me that i thought were some what healed are truly not, so therefore i just do not know what to expect. Like i told my sister do not worry for the future, but i am human and i should have told he it is hard to not worry. I surely do hope that this semester Christ can heal what i could not have. I have failed big time. I hope that i can let the Lord be the one to move and not me. I hope that i can give him enough room. I hope that i do not fall like in the past. I hope that he can make the man i am becoming shine. I hope Christ that i do not let my will come out but let your will shine. It is time i believe that Christ will hold me, yet can i hold on to Him correctly. I realize that i do care for this women in a different ways than others and the sense of jealousy always comes upon me. Lord draw me closer to thee. Please do not let go of me. My heart is already shaking. My mind is already wanting to think wrongly. My soul thirst for truth and love. I will write this because it is stupid, but should be written down because it shows my weakness as well as others. I want to see; Lord help me like you are helping my sister... never mind it does not make sense. It is stupid to even think like that. HE IS ALREADY WORKING WITH ME, but i do not know if he will make what i want to come true, but it is not my will. He knows best for me. Thank you Jesus.

Today

I played basketball, tutor, finished my spanish hw. But i really didnt take time to review the word. This is something to myself that i need to fix, or really let Christ fix. I cannot do things without his love and grace. I have to much to learn and so much to learn about shopping. Today i messed up by going to Vons and buying $170 worth of food. Crazy huh? I even overdrafted by $44. My mom wanted to flip, but she kept her cool and was just the mom that always by my side. It funny because she told me that i sucked at shopping and i still have so much to learn. I was glad to here that. I was getting so conceided about life, but i have so much to learn. I even learned that the Wells Fargo machines can take cash instead of walking inside all the time. I feel bad about the food we took back, because the lady said it would be tossed, but i hope not. Many people in the world would not let food go to waste like that. Food is so precious even it is mentioned in the Bible many times. Man i need to learn in all areas. I need to be humble. Well my walk has been good, but i get those thoughts about that person. I just cant seem to let go and i dont want to. She is awesome and i just wonder. Who was i when i first met her, what made her so comfortable with me in the beginning? Awwh so much to learn. Well Lord Jesus. Christ help me to make the Lords prayer a prayer of true faith.

First Letters to Justin

Hello Bobby,

Thanks for your words of encouragement!
It's always great to hear from you.

For nothing good comes out of us and every
good comes from God, we must be able to
see that one's desire of wanting to passionately
live life for God is something God has started in one
from the beginning. And that good God promises to
be with us wherever and be our provider in this journey
of life. What a faithful God!

And yeah! I clear those moments when we were sharing
many things and talking on a weekly basis. How can
I forget those times? Even my car remembers
because we talked until the car got all steamy!

I've started reading the book, too. I was so busy
doing my school work and haven't had the chance
to read other books. It's interesting how you
mention the part about Miller mentioning how
we're all living a story. Definitely, I'm living
a story. So are you. And as of now, I'm conscious about
the story I'm living, all the choices which will write
the future story.

Because I want to live an extraordinary story, I
almost want to fake it and eventually want a storyline
that is amazing and thrilling. However, the
fallacy in that desire and wanting to chase after a
self-motivated life is a beginning which is acknowledges
the fallacy and moving on from that point.

No matter what my desires and longings are in
living this story, I think I must also consider the
fact that my life story must flow out rather than
trying artificially make up the story. I pray that I
live a good life, not living to make my life look good.

About my Vietnam trip...
It's a trip that I'm going as an educator, and for the
past few months, until you sent the email, I
wished that my trip was something more directly
God-related. But now that I think about it, it is
God-related. As you implied, everything that has
happened in my life allows me to write a story in
Him by making choices, a story that is His.
And for that, I am thankful.

I want to bring things that are worthy and uplifting.
However, I will not be sad when nothing "big"
happens. Although I may not be able to see the
"amazing" things, at that moment, I know He will
use my experiences for His glory somehow,
someday.

I also know that He wants to use you to shine the
love of Christ to others. Let's be more faithful and
connect to God in prayer. Remember, mother
Teresa said, "to prayer better, you must pray more."

Again, thanks for many things. Hope to talk to
you soon. God bless!


On Jul 3, 2010, at 1:11 PM, Robert Santana wrote:

Well im writing to you because your half-way around the world and i wanted to mention to you something before you left. But i have been thinking about all the times we talked when i was younger and all the dreams and desires i had as a teenager. But you know better than me things change from those small dreams into big dreams. Well i have been reading Donald Miller's book A Thousand Miles in a Million Years and i got to say it just crazy how much this book reminds me of myself and of you when we spoke all those times. So i dont know if you remember the book well, but i bet you do because of its strong impact. So what i am trying to say is dont forget all the times we spoke. I remember you talked about your dreams of going to a third-world country, traveling, starting a band, doing so many things. Yet, look. You have struggled so much to get where you are. Even though we dont talk as much as we use to and now we get older we become a bit more locked to our lives, you are living a story. Donald Miller talks about how life is all about telling a good story in a sense. So, what, its been almost a year since you started your grad program. All that hard work. All the people you met. All the situations you faced. All the trials with school, church, and family. Does undergrad years look like a piece of cake now? But man you are living a awesome story. So while you are there for a month, go for it man. You there. Your where you mentioned years ago. You are still the young person inside and those passions should be active and not passive. As i keep reading this book, it makes me want to start off like you did and just start a challenge now. Start a story. Start a testimony. Start to live life with the intention of showing the light of the Lord. So i hope you bring something back. Cuz i surely do want to hear. I need to be re-energized to move. To not be still. So bro i hope you surely have a great, crazy, troublesome, tough, funny, joyful time. That makes everything that much better.

What Does A Story Need to Be A Story

This is all based off the story of Don Miller's book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years:
Lord i lived in a past that was a story.
Story that was not written by an author of truth and love, but by an author of independence.
I followed my own desires, yet found risks of pain.
I was not living the life of a powerful story.
My author understands that what makes my story a story.
By your grace i fall, yet stand stronger.
A story is not powerful without having the character face trials and overcome them.
Is it not mind blowing how our author allows our lives to become powerful stories in the mist of this world?
See and look.
Is it not the greatest stories of human history that have become the foundation of hope.
This hope is not dry, but full of Love that is poured from our Christ Jesus.
Day and Night
Minute and Hour
Silence and Noise
Courage and Fear
Clear minded and Confusion
Hope and Lost
Love and Hate
Grace and Grace
In the mist of all this Christ knew what it meant to be a perfect character.
Our knowledge thinks that we can receive this and hold it, but we are receivers in which we are called to give.
Father i do stubble and become double-minded in the word, but why should i?
Every positive leads to a negative in this world, but your Grace leads to nothing but Grace.
You called me by name before i was in my mothers womb and delivered your Grace upon me.
I was not really born into a Christian family, but you had already worked out the story.
I had no foundation and did not realize that i was blinding myself from a good story.
I feel into my own individual scene and therefore my story was looking great for myself, but in reality i was in a bad story in which the outcome would be bad.
Yes, i you can say i was in a bad story, but if i had not realized who my true author was, i would not have realized i was in a good story.
To myself i was in a bad story, but by Grace, only Grace can make the outcome in which makes a great story.
I still fall Father.
I still misunderstand time and time again.
But you know when.
You know how.
You know my story.
I miss You being present.
I get mad at myself for forgetting my author, my authors grace, and my character role.
I still have a story to play in.
A story that only can become good.
From birth, childhood, teenage years, pre-adult, adult, and gray and white days, and old wrinkly minutes, to my beautiful death, it was all meant to be a story told by an author of grace and love. For until my time my passion in life is to know you, my author of a good story.

50

Its sad that no matter how much you plan to do what you want to do, it never happens. Im in Colorado right now and i thought that i would be good to be in one with Christ and achieve some work for school, but i barely started today. I am glad that i am not at home, but i miss many things about it. Maybe not the whole situation, but the times that i feel pressured. I need pressure to remind me of who i am. I think as humans we tend to be relieved by our situations when then flow our way, but when the wind blows against the waves of the ocean then you understand that you cannot have the strength to face the wind. Glad that i asked Sun for the message passage, i would not be able to stand knowing that i need to be strong. One of my favorite books is James and remember was the first i read, but i seem to always forget how much it means. I feel as i am double-minded in my situations and James clearly states to be careful of that.

Currently i am reading the book A Million Miles In a Thousand Year by Don Miller. Don is currently speaking about how much he realizes how we want to create a new person of ourselves that have a better soul and mind set. But truly is that what i want? Sure. But is we where to make ourselves complete and fix our own lives, would there be true reason and love for life? Nope. Wow how much i want to be better, but i cant. I cant fix the stupid things i say, do and just act upon. Man how much i want to fix it all, but would i feel good if i did it all on my own? Would i even have the strength to continue on to change my situations for the best? Would i have the sense of being loved by another or would my own love to myself and the love i make other show upon me be worth it? Would i truly understand myself enough to keep taking myself back and what i mean is would i be able to forgive myself for ever? Would i be able to just love myself, or would i love the part of me that wants perfection? See this world is about perfection and about the self. I dont think i can live like that, but a part of me wants too. A part wants to be a better soul, a better me, a better mind.

My week was full of surprises last week. The tension in my heart against my dad broke and i told him straight out that i hate him. Then he only mocked me and said how can i be following this book called the Bible and then say such words. Then i said its all lies and everything relies from yourself. Man first i got to say i was stupid to act, but i am human and i will not be able to hold it in. My father has scared me, but i somewhat do not want to hate him. I feel as if i cant and i am not supposed to. Then i should pray for him to see what i see. But man, i just dont know how to start on this tough subject because my heart cannot even comprehend. Then that day Travis blew up and i may have made a mistake, but i need to push him. I have never been a brother, but i have had brothers and people who helped me and most of all the Lord Jesus. So i know i pushed him, but well worth it, because he will be stronger than ever. I just dont want him to mess up like i have seen others. I know i cannot push other mistakes upon him and learn and avoid them, but he has the heart of Christ. Then that night Silver came to my house and i was just shocked. She was totally different and i just do not know if i can trust her. But yet once again my heart speaks to do what is right. I tired to say the right words and do the right things. I thank Christ with the broken roads i walked on, because i would not be the man i am today. I would not have the words of wisdom or the words of love. I did not learn this from my parents or people, but from the Bible. I have to remember who i am. I need to. I need to remember to know i am not perfect, that i am a sinner, that i will fall, that i need to fall, that i need Jesus and know one else. My Passion In Life is to Know You, Christ.

Fireflight - For Those Who Wait (mp3 & Lyrics on Screen) HD

I Need to Spend More time With You

I honestly can say Lord, i feel the hatred of my heart start to grow. Its there, its lurking in the mist of my time with the world and once i start looking forward to You it becomes alive and hard to fight. Father i honestly hate my father. Its become such a pain in which i just do like it. I just have this hate in which man i just cannot think straight in this situation. For most of my worries at home are to not talk to him and just ignore him. It hurts yet i believe i should hate him for how he has treated my mom, my sister and me. A piece of my heart although wants to forgive and thats all. But most of all Father i wish to wake up and just spend time with you in some sense and not be lost in my day. Jesus you already know my path and you are surely to guide it, but please in the present be present. Be one with me and just guide me. With that i prayer the prayer you have thought me and all my brothers and sisters, because Jesus i will fall, but let your Kingdom come on Earth as it is in Heaven.

This Month

I find myself reflecting how this month has gone by. I believe it has been the most challenging due to keeping my relationship with Christ and in keeping my life busy with the world. The first part if the month was full of studying, full of catching up, full of problems, and just life throwing things one by one. In that moment their was no excuse to rely on Christ and just keep searching for him in the mist of it all. I was able to stand in my day with confidence of Him being one with me. It hurts to face things, but some how it feels good to know He is in control. After finals i went straight into relax mood. I had nothing to worry about besides the problems at home and within myself. I felt less busy and by that felt less need for my Savior. I felt less involved in taking on the challenges of the world, by that needing to be less involved with Christ. I don't know if its just me, but when somethings in your daily habits change it feels awkward. It feels like you walk knowing something was once what it was, now its grown to something new. Not saying its bad nor good, but when it comes down to having daily or weekly habits with Christ and things change, its so hard to find yourself in the mist of the weather change. Its as the weather we are recently having, one day its hot and then the next its cold, when we are expecting summer to be already here. One night i was out at my friends house and as i was on the roof staring into the night sky with a full moon, i felt like i was missing a piece of me. I looked at the moon thinking wow surely someone big may have made this, but who? O yea my Lord. Then once again during this Sunday, Pastor talked about the nature around us and i was just amazed, yet felt less dependent every moment of my day. Yes, their are times i cry out to him, but its not like before when it was walking to class, driving my car, eating at subway, and studying at starbucks. Things happen in a blink, in a flash, in a second the things that are important and you tried to hold on to tight become different. None of this is bad, but when we forget how we got to where we are, then some where along that path we lost the meaning of reflection. Reflection of how much our Savior has brought out of sinful nature into his arms. Its only been 2 weeks since school ended, but it feel like an eternity that i have focused on Him for my whole day. Now im busy trying to spend time with friends, playing games, playing sports, watching netflix, and i will honestly say drink sometimes at night with friends. Yea it is fun, but i find myself thinking, "oh how much miss seeing You in the mist of the daily challenges at school and just being alone in this world". I know my chains are gone, but i have not stopped until today to just reflect on this month. So much has happened with my relationship with Christ in both good and bad ways. Like the weather we are having right now, its weird because we are use to the heat everyday and expect it, but i has not been like that. So i do not know what my point is, but all i know is that do not let this summer ruin what you have gain or ruin what has been already done. Its just best to reflect this past school year or semester and think about what has happened with Christ in the middle of it all. For example i forgot that my prayer in the beginning of this month was to truly trust Christ, but in the mist of my change i lost it. I lost a lot of what was my connection to Christ and lost my drive to call out to him. So tonight before i go to bed i pray that i will not lose what i have gained and be thankful. But above all i pray that he will lead me and everyone, because surely i cannot lead myself and right now i am seeing that. I hate having a logical and thoughtful mind because it toys with my emotions like a tug of war game. So yea i guess thats where wisdom and love is needed from Chirst. Glad Jenny is their to talk about her Proverb verses. It something that i need sometimes. In the end it always comes back to the word. So just dont lose that guys. Hope i said somethings right in the mist of my sleepiness.

My Heart

Only You Father can keep me walking, breathing and standing. I do not know how to live with out Your love. I guess i do not know what to do with my family and i thought henry and the rest of the family would be ok, but even them i see the hurt. Man Lord what do i do? I want to act, but i cant. It is only of your will that i can just do things. Its if my heart wants to act, but instead i see myself acting without your green light. I see that i have messed up, i am chasing a dream that should not be chased and it kills me. I see my family and the pain is beyond words. The wind blows and i sway. The sea is rushing with strength and is just overcoming. I find myself so speechless and tired. I do not know what i want truly and i do not know what to feel. I am tired of chasing these dreams and i am tired of trying to see good in people that cannot be good. I am full of thoughts and i cam full of shame. I feel like my heart is struggling to survive. please keep my heart alive. I am nothing in this world. It is meaningless to just survive and live this world. It is ridiculous how it is. I want to be who you call me to be, but i am dieing. I am being suffocated. It is as if death is reigning in my family. Where are you?? Why is it so hard to trust you and feel you? Why do you do this Jesus. Please just come and hold me. I need a Father. I need one. I need love...

What do i make of it?

Lord it is now the end of my semester and yet something tells me that i should not be slacking, that i should not lose focus. I and in a tense situation in which i am glad to rest and so on, but first i wish to spend time this summer with her and then spend time with you. I cannot see myself survive this summer without your loving hand being the center of it all. I cannot enjoy my break with myself leading it and i cannot be in the mist of what is going to happen at home without you near. Lord i ask you as a servant that you would take my prayers to the Father and ask for grace. Jesus only you are my master and only you can be my lawyer to the Father. Lead me Lord and guide me. I see no future without the love from you. I am not sad, but i feel this deep crunch that things could become hard this summer. The fact that my family is planning to separate, the fact that i have to help my mom and that money will be tight, the fact that i will need to apply for other schools, the fact that need to do my church leadership roles, the fact that i wish to spend time with...., the fact that i need to spend time with you and just rely on you. So much is about to happen and i ask that, Master please see me as your child that needs the Love of a Father. That needs the guidance of a Father. That needs the financial support of a Father. That needs the wisdom of a Father. That needs the time of a Father. That needs the patience of a Father, that needs the understanding of a Father, that needs the strength of a Father. Lord i need a Father, i need you to be with me. I feel that i need u in this moment. Be my center and guide me in the moment of every moment. What should i make of it? How should i see my situation in your eyes? I need a Father...

Lead Me 4

Christ it is true. I cannot find myself to trust you in such a way that it is a known feeling to not doubt. I do not know if it is my thoughts that make me think that i am not trusting you or if it is real. It is hard to control my emotions and thoughts because they are my worse enemy. They come like the robber at night. They are so smooth to enter in my life and just destroy what you have done. Lord i am not prefect, but you are. As a believer i ask to be your servant, but only by grace. Lord i ask that you teach me and guide me. I ask that i do not commit the wrong doings with the person whom i wish to be guided to. I have failed in the past, but i believe it was of your doing to make me stronger. I do not know when this will end, but help me to not fail again if by your grace. Help me to see the situation with your eyes and so i can rejoice and be the light that you speak of in your word. I use to think i was working hard to get to you, but now i see its not that i work hard, but i give up and just let you be my savior when i cannot act, see, do, or just live. You say to not live on bread alone, but the word and i believe you Jesus. You accepted everyone, yet you was pushed away and even told the word to your own people, yet they cannot listen. I feel like that at times, but i go back to you, but in the word. Lord my situation is in your hands, but do not let me screw up in the moment of emotions or thoughts. Guide them in a way, but still its by grace and i do not know if i should do what i am going to do. I wish for you to guide me, but the word does not directly say he stop or go. So whatever i do let it be controlled by you. I ask of you to take my request to the father. I ask you redeemer that you ask the father for support. That you ask the father to grant me mercy. If you ask the judge to provide wisdom by grace and most of all Love. I guess what i am saying Christ is that i trust you because you are my master in a sense that guides, but does not bring the trials along and but the father does. I do not know if that just my small human mind thinking to your almighty ways, but yea its just dumb. But in the end it is hard to trust, yet i see you as my only hope and way. Everything is in your hands Jesus. I ask that you ask the father to grant grace and love. I am sorry for everything, but thank you for be my life. Thank you for being something tangible and being my everything especially the creator of love. Thank you Savior.

Lead Me 3

First this song is on, Blink and the first line Lord i want to start off my prayer, by saying teach me to number my days. Umm Lord, i do not understand why i feel like i do just by watching this anime, but i think i am reminded on how i use to look at situations like that. Toradora is one good anime. But still on subject, i now understand that as i was running to find love, i would always come to you asking for advice, asking for strength, asking for wisdom, crying out to you, yelling at you, forgetting you, and everything. Yet it was you that would be there in a flash and just hold me tight. You in a sense was always happy to leave your house open for me, you are always ready to cook up the food(the Word) with the right ingredients and just feed me what i need. I do love you Christ, but it is still hard to trust you. I do not want to be saying i trust you in this joyful moment, but would rather say, i am glad that i can run to you. I guess what i mean is that i am still afraid on how you will answer and not give me what my flesh desires. I have so much to learn and will not know everything, even till the day i die. You come everyday in my life, but i still lose you. I wish to hold my identity strong within you. I love you and i hope to share this with the World. I do not know how you will use me, but help me to number my days, help me to trust you, and above all help me to understand you ways of guiding me. As your son, it is easy for me to get angry at you hitting me and taking away my toys, but father can you explain to me in the simplest of ways of why you do that. I am just a child. I try to call you all the time, but my prayers are not always true, or they are true, but are mixed with thoughts. I do get tired of how my life is, i do get scared of how my situation are, i do doubt myself and above that i doubt you, i do lose myself a lot. I do not what to think of her now, but all i can say if i liked her i would be shy and if i disliked her i would not know what to say. So thats it. I feel that the situation that was hard and painful for me was a blessing to grow in you Christ. I sure do u here my prayer. But in the end it was worth it. Its my own testimony to how i knew a girl that God used, to make a man out of a boy in many ways. I am glad she is in my life now matter the situation. No matter. I already had every feeling felt from her, but it was all from you. Truly it was.

Lead Me 2

Father when i ask you to Lead Me, i truly do not know what i mean by that. This way of thinking is difficult, because i want to focus on you only, but its hard, because of the physical. I ask you Lord, by your commandments that i will use them as a sense of fear to love and know Your glory. I am chasing two dreams right now that seem so far to accomplish or even one is so clouded that i find it hard to see how i will even make it. You know how much i crave this situation, but i cannot do this alone and do this correct. I truly do not understand to trust You. What is this fear of not fearing You? I mean that would be one way of putting into words. I find it so difficult to trust, when i know you have answered before. I guess truly there wont ever be a situation in which i will never doubt you. Do you think i doubt you? Or is it that i dont doubt, but rather over think and let my emotions and weaknesses eat me? You know my heart Lord. It is twisted but there is something that tells me to be focused on you. I guess thats why i am not alright. I am lost in my thoughts and my failures. I need you to lead me Lord, but my heart feels so weird to ask you. I do not know Lord. I like to be lead by You, but then i find it so difficult to understand my thoughts and heart. I am not alright Lord and i am broken. I will never be completed until you come and fill me fully. I thank you for just being the Loving(and everything that falls under love) Father, Brother, God, Savior, Healer, Christ. I would not know where i would be without you. I wouldnt understand your Love and the purpose you give us in this life. I love you Lord and find it so though to know what that means. I tell myself this, but man. I do i do it? I do i see it that i do not lose focus completely? I know i will lose it, but help me deal with that when i lose it. Help me deal with that fact when i am down, that you will comfort me. Help me to trust you in the most difficult parts of my life. Help me to be patient where i am not. Help me not be jealous when i am? Help me fallow you and your laws. Help me be the light that shines from you. Help me be led by you. Help me. Help me. Show me. Guide me. Teach me. Be gentle Lord. Be aware of my heart and how much it is willing to blow into stupidity and into satan's hands, when you are more powerful. Lead me. Lead my family. Lead my church. Lead my friends. Lead my love one's. Lead my hopes. Lead my dreams. Lead my hands. Lead my words. Lead my life. Lead my world. Lead it Christ. Be the Leader of what is Yours, but help me understand. Please. Amen.

My Exodus

Father. Savior. I see my situation a bit better, yet i truly do not understand how to let go. I find it hard to be satisfied in this world yet by you. Lord you are my redeemer and bring hope into my life, but i think i have been scared of my situation and find myself not trusting you. It is difficult Lord to just trust you, because i am afraid that i will not get what i want, but i know you know better than what my heart ask for. In this time guide me to let go of my situations in a way that will be patient and understanding. Man i find this so hard to do because i do not know how to perceive it. Nicole was write in what she had said today. I need to let you just be the one in charge. I have to trust you, because if i do my testimony will be one of not of my intentions by of your will. This will strengthen me in my relationship with you and will also help others. When i heard the message last week i did not know how to view it. I was scared and was anxious for answers, but you continue to speak in the message and through the people i care for. I must be really stupid for truly not seeing things in your hands, but you are always faithful. I am alone in the world physically, because no matter what i try to fill in my heart, it will not be perfect because you are the key. Savior, please help me to just let go. Help me to trust in your love. Help me to see the situations in which i am not tricked by satan. As in psalm 67, i want to tell the world to praise the God who is loving, because of the situations you have made things happen in a way which you are faithful, understanding, and loving. I find it funny how much i have been blind, but i must not let it go. I can not let go of this prayer topic. I must focus on it and not drift into the mist of the situation. Also guide my prayers in which they are truthful from my heart and will not distract me from you, but rather rely on you to be trust worthy. You are the Christ who saves. You are the light in which you shine in my darkness. You guide me when i try and fail. Lord help me to overcome this big picture situation in which i will find rest in you alone. Can you see how much i am willing in my heart. My flesh is so corrupted and blocks my heart. Everyday i find so much strength in you, but in the mist of it all i find it hard to truly trust you, i find it difficult, but i keep running to you in all different ways. I love you Father. I love you in a sense when i fell mad at you i know it is for the best. Thanks Lord for being my Remedy. Thanks for being my life. Thanks for being in me. Thanks for being my everything and my creator. Help me trust you. Thats my prayer. Help me trust you.

Lead Me

I cannot stand Lord. I am falling so hard my heart is burning for answers and pain. I do not know what to feel. I do not know what to see. I do not know what i tell myself inside. I feel so num. I feel so not me. I feel like i lost myself in this chaos. What do i do? After reading what i wrote last time I sound so done. I sound so pathetic. Like Shane mentioned last night we can say we have experienced you, but why do we lose it? Can a situation that we experience in you really fly away. Lord. MAN. PLEASE. STOP AND SEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOOK. I AM HERE TOO. I am so selfish, but i need my savior. I need my savior. I need my life back. Not in a way that i commit sin, but in a way that i enjoy everyday. That i know my experiences are from you. Show me the way. Lead me and save me. I cannot stand.

Remember

Today Lord you say to remember the time you took me out of my slavery. Deuteronomy 6. I must not forget the times you remind me of how you are. Lord Jesus thanks for be patient because i am not. I still struggle with my sin and with my identity. Help me to enjoy this desert that i am in. Im glad my darkness helps others Lord, but i know i sound selfish, but when will you finally lead me to my prayer being answered in a way that i know it is your answer and that i would be so grateful that i will just thank you and not fall into chaos. You drive the thoughts of doubt, you refresh my heart with life. Time and time again i become the person i am inside, the person of sin. It will never leave me until you bless me with the grace. I chose to follow you, although i complain. Lord in all my situation and the one that has been in front of me for a while, i will saw how? When? Where? The other such as why and what i can understand. But the how seems to impossible. The when tells me that i should be anxious and not fail as i did before. The where is how do i know where you are leading me and not my sinful nature. As i read Your Word and you said to not forget and that you will bring your children in to the prosperous land after the test of our hearts. I believe you, but the fear is that i am not doing something right and i lose you in my desires. That why i try to make my thoughts and desire related to you and if you support it i will fallow you with your will. As i was reading the song Savior, Please was turned on and what are those chances on pandora. So yea. REMEMBER!!!!!!!!!!

Countdown

Father, Savior, Redeemer. I need your grace in which i can also receive wisdom for today and tomorrow. Lord i hope and pray that you guide me and the leaders. Be our strength and be our source of light. I do not know how things will work out, but let us enjoy this journey that is set before us, but within your love. Lord i ask for every possible strength and that even the day/night are in your hands. That you will make it your night and not ours. I am still not sure if as a leader and as a human if i am not stepping into your premises, but i rather just stay where i am needed to be at and just let you be the person who you are. That what Lord i like that song so much because you are who you are, never changing, and like how i do not like people changing or if i cannot see myself changing, you never change. Thank you for be the one to be the same as yesterday, today, and forever.

A Mess Of Me

Praise night was awesome, i actually enjoyed praising, i enjoyed doing what i wish to do Lord, just praise him. Yet, there was so much emptiness, so much anger, so much thoughts running parallel with me that night. No one will understand fully except you Lord. I find it stupid that i have become like this, but it bugs me. It bugs me to think that i am alone every where i walk. I stand alone. People may say things, but truly i am alone physically. No one understands, but you. Ever since high school i was that quiet yet talk-able person, but at the end of the day it was just me. I could never find my place. I was always running from my problems and i was good at it, so good i did not feel pain. I would never have a set pair of friends, i would never have a set family to live with, i would never see light in my life that was cover by games, drugs, and just what ever i did. I remember i would just always go to Garrett's house to not go home when i was in late elementary and junior high. Then when i was younger i moved so much, went from one school to another, to this apartment to that apartment while my mom only took care of me. Thats why i love her so much, but i get mad at her for stupid reasons, but i wish i didnt. I wish i didnt. High school i made friends, but never had a true set of friends. I did not know who i was. I even lost my best friend at that time Garrett for the stupid life of being Chicano. Then late high school i just still didnt know who i was. I would hang out with derek and the guys, yet hangout with the asians. I would go home and find myself just doing hw and playing games. Then i liked two girls on my whole high school years and both fucked me over. Both made the worst scars. On top of that i never had a relationship, because i was shy, but i did go out with people, but i was always picky. Then end of high school i like two girls at my church. One was quite, one was some whats open like me. But i liked the one i knew first, who was quiet. But deep down something told me hey dude look at her she is everything you want. I even spent time with her somewhat and she spoke me out of my painful hardships. Doing drugs was painful. It somewhat feels the same as what i am feeling right now, but its different. My senior was full of pains. FULL. I wish i could have not went to prom, i wish i could have took Sunyoung. I wish i could have saved money and bought me a nice car, i wish i could have gone to a UC, i wish i could have not done drugs, i wish my dad and mom truly separated and not move back together, i wish i couldnt have been a pussy and do things right, i wish i could have just died then. Now i live with those consequences. Some have become good some have become worse. Some have impacted my career some have impacted my heart. Some have impacted my personality some have impacted my faith. I find myself struggling to find myself again. These past four months have been hell, but i never relied so much on Christ. I feel like i want to move to another state or country and start a new. I want to leave my problems at home, i want to leave the church that brings me love, yet hate. I want to let go of my thoughts of her and everyone that i put so much effort to care for and just care for myself or find people who understand me. I know it wont solve problems, but what does or what can besides Christ. How do you know what is true for that situation, the bible speaks over many ways to overcome, but then some instances are just over lapping and make it difficult to know what is right and when Satan is getting you twisted in the Word. Then i know i help Andy out, but truly i dont and truly i can understand him, but he cant towards me. I can talk to anyone and just get words of not understanding, but i can understand them. I do not know what to think about it, but just it feels like curse upon me and a blessing for others. I feel as if i look at the Word of Christ so abstract, when i shouldnt. I shouldnt say hey if i have faith he will walk me through. True, but what do i learn in that walk. To just think abstract? To just say hey i can get through this some time, just walk with out looking at the details on the road. What good is it to drive on the road, yet not see the scenery or go camping to fish, yet not stop and see the sky at night. Look at my dad he could have gotten a prosthetic for his leg, but instead he ran away from the painful learning and keep his leg which then has brought him longer pain that he hoped to not have and is continuing to kill him. As i saw Neto in the bed, i hope to never see my dad like that during this time, cuz i would go nuts. Truly, because i love him to death, but man he so hard headed and hard hearted which has made me to dislike him in so many different ways. I care my whole family and hope to see them grow in Christ too, but man the distance between us is far. This is why i feel so distant from everyone. Then at church i feel as if i go to be comforted, but partially. Then i go to run from problems, yet some are there too. Then im not korean. Then i do not have family there. Then i expect to be treated like family, but its never always like that especially with those who i wish did. Then i find myself being torn apart inside to the max. I do not know why i have this so hard and why it really has not been healed, but been cut open more. I keep falling, but harder. Yet i hope i am landing on you Lord. I hope that if people read this, that no matter how painful i may sound or stupid, i still have this hope you are who you are. Thats why i like that song from Desperation Band "Who You Are". Cuz you are God. Sorry i was saying the stupidest things i could have ever said. Anger is hard to control when you are pressed on all sides. Pressure needs to be released. Rather have you take it than others. See again i care for people, but what the hell i take it from them all the time. I try not to be mean, try not to be rude, hard-headed, hard-hearted. I try to look from their eyes cuz we need to at humans. I do not want people to be saying things if i pass away. I do not want people to hate each other, i do not want people to jump to conclusion, i do not want this war that Satan would want to see. I would rather have everyone say what did we do wrong in which he was aiming for. I was aiming for Christ Love. I was aiming to see others pains in Christ eyes. I was aiming to be patient. I was aiming to not be jealous. I was aiming to not fail. I was aiming to not be envious. I was aiming to not be angry. I was aiming to see Christ. For he never fails. I was aiming to have people see the Christ love in me. I was aiming to find someone who could have understood me, better than anyone else, but not higher than Christ. I was looking for the best in people. Thats why when i see Justin mad or tired i feel funny, because i do not know him like that. Then when i see andy or steven do something, i feel like i should do something about it. Then when i see the other kids, i just wish i knew how to talk to them. Then she is the hardest, cuz i feel when she goes through something and can see it. I feel as if i can relate, but ever since i went wrong, i lost the person which i thought i was close to. Every time i feel this emptiness, yet if i see her happy i am glad to see that more than myself being happy. She has it tough and thats what makes me patient and knowing that when i get jealous, sad, angry, or happy at her, it feels like it means something. I feel this so much for everyone. The only people in my life that are see the most are Church and home. So why shouldnt i feel like this. If someone thinks i am weird, guess what i do not make friends at school, i do not have free time to do as i please, i only got those things i see. For example i got to Pure on weds nights. Its great, but its empty without my church members or family. I love everyone. I care for everyone. So be happy too. Christ is good. I know deep down my heart says to say that. Once again sorry Lord. For i am a mess, but you are not. Make me pure. Make me like Gold. Make me white as snow as well as everyone i care for. I am not mad at anyone. Just hope i did something different. As of right now thats what i feel. I do have some happy moments with everyone and i remember them. I truly enjoyed what is of my life, cuz i grew closer to Christ, but the cost is heavy, its hard, and i expect know one to just have it quickly, getting closer to God is just beyond comprehension, but it is possible. Life is to short to not let Christ in. We need him. I thanks Justin, Nicole, JDSN, Sunyoung, Steven and others for teaching me or sharing with me something that is amazing.

Lord, My Goliath Is Facing Me

Man too much has gone through my head Lord. First i want to start off tonight with a plea for the forgiveness of my sins, for i fall short. Lord after listening to Shane talk, i guess i have to stop being scared. I know i should rely on you, but then that comes at a cost and i guess my situation is that i do not like it and honestly i do not like my situation. I feel as the curse is long and painful, but then what does it mean to carry the cross? Lord help to me to understand you and your love. I guess thats why i need to be patient in everything i do and surely i need to not be envious. Thats been a killer lately every once in a while. As i see the meeting grow at Chaffey, i am glad, but then growth comes with a cost and i am praying for Sunyoung to be able to take it. I feel like this is a deja-vu from my freshmen year at Chaffey. Things flowed with trials here and there, but at the end of the school year everything fell apart. So as the meeting grows Lord, that i will not be scared to face Goliath, because Lord i sure do hope it works. I am only human. Like David he just hoped, because to have faith is tough. It is going to get tough for her so i pray for her and everyone else that i know. Help me to understand Chris more as well. I got to believe in you. I have to, because there has to be reasons and you are good. I must stand up and take up my cross, if it brings pain, then i guess ill have to face it and cry out more. It hurts. I will say, it hurts. This last year has been painful. I cannot pray right Lord, because i have been praying for a year for this one prayer, so i just give my heart and tears. Love is patient, so ill guess i learn to be. I look to you as my role model, but help me because i do not just want to watch living a third-person faith, but a first-person faith. Lord Lord Lord. GUIDE ME. I will keeping trying to let go of everything, but please take me, even if it hurts my worldly flesh, mind, and heart. I must rely on you. You are good. I must fall on my knees, my face, and just let you take my heart and tears. Be my role model.

This Weird Feeling

To My Uncle Neto

Neto was always that guy to crack jokes and put smiles on faces. Always saying "looka here" or "in your mouth". Like everyone explained yesterday he could be serious but then loving and cheerful, i guess it runs in the Madrid blood. I remember the time that my cousin David and i where fighting when we were young. Neto grab us and said to kneel down on the floor and hold dictionaries in both hands. The first to drop would get it. When our mothers came to get us they laughed while we was crying and complaining. He would make a serious situation in to one that was always funny. That was him. Then he would always take my sister to Food 4 less and show her a bottle of raisins and tell her it was cucarachas, scaring her to eat raisins and just laugh at her, that we her Pocahontas since she loved her at the time. I remember all the time we went camping, went to laughlin, thanksgiving, christmas and the times to just go eat dinner. One of his favorite places was Steirs n Steins. He would always get his big steak. He loved steak, especially Medians steak. I guess thats where some of us in the family love to just eat steak. He had the compassion of being a father, brother, husband and friend, but he was ready to be a grandpa. When Alena was born, it brought him so much joy. For alena that was her Tata. But one thing that seized to amaze me was how Neot and her would always walk in to there kitchen and saying good morning or hello to Jesus, in the picture of the last supper. She would give Jesus a kiss. He loved Jesus a lot. Although he might have not showed it much, as many of us do, he desired the Love of a Savior. Even my baby cousin at the age of 2 understands this. That is Love, every single one of us has this. So let me remind you what the love is. First i will start in 1 Corinthians 13: 2-3 and apostle paul writes " If i have the gifts of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if i have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, i am nothing. If i give all i possessions to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, i gain nothing." Neto had love. Many of you said he was a working man and i believe a working man enjoys work if he loves life. Then others said he was "the brain". Well let me tell you, a smart person cannot handle knowledge without being humble and loving. Neto loved others, he loved his family, and loves His Savior. I will continue with verse 4 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record or wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." Everything that Apostle Paul talks about here is tough to keep, but as sinners it is our Christ personality to love. Neto always protected his family, Neto always loved his family, he never kept the records of wrongs, he always rejoiced in truthful thoughts. He always hoped for the best and he never let go. Thats Love. I will finish with my last personal experience that i had with him. I always wanted to see my uncle and talk to him in the hospital, but some how i was always speechless. I even told Henry can i pray with your dad, but for 2 weeks i found myself just being speechless and standing there. I bet he thought dude cmon man just speak up im the same Neto you know. So the day that he left to be with Christ, i arrived to the hospital early. When you know that you have strength to accomplish anything, you know its not of human strength, but the strength of Christ. I finally had the time to pray with him. I was alone with him. I started to talk to him and tell him that Jesus does love you, that he is strength, that he will always protect, that he has forgiven your sins. I remember just seeing the look in his face, it was not of frustration, but of tears of love. Instead of crying because he was crying, my heart and holy spirit told me to be joyful, for he understood the love of a Savior, for he understood that his family will be protected by someone even greater than him, Jesus. The Love of Christ will always protect, when the fires consume you, you will not be burnt, when the river's current is strong, you will not be swept away, for the power of Love will never fail. So today was we remember Neto, remember what Love means. Remember what our Savior Jesus did for us on the cross. Remember that Jesus is Love, for Love is truth, and truth is hope, and hope is faith. For our family is a family of faith. Look at huge our family is, there has to be something that we are doing right, but have to be continue-sly reminded of. We have to remember to Love unconditionally, as Jesus said. He said this was the greatest commandment, to love your God your Father with all your heart and strength, and the second greatest commandment was to love others. If you ever get the chance to read these passages on your own. Fill in Jesus for the word Love. Thats how powerful his word is. Nothing but his Blood, will make us whole, nothing but his blood will make us white as snow. Jesus is love and Neto is with him. Thank you.

Lord I am So Weak

Lord this week has been so hard. Words cannot explain. My mind races in circle after each block of life hits me. I just do not know how to think. I do not know what to say. My heart is going through the toughest times. But i will not lose hope in you Lord. I will not see that i lose hope in you. If i have to fall, so be it, i rather fall with you. I rather see me rely on you. You are my everything and that is who you. Calm my storm. I do not know where to go. I do not know what to feel. My family as well needs you. My Uncle needs your strength and protection. My cousins need you. My Grandpa needs you. My whole family. Watch over them. Watch their hearts and my heart please. Please. Please. For that is who you are.

Not to Give Up

Lord, my faith is like a roller coaster. I cannot find myself enjoying the times i fall. Its as if when i use to be afraid of heights. I am like that in my faith. I still do not want to be in this motion, but should i be in it? I do not understand the meaning of going through the motions, help me to understand you Jesus. Help me to number my days and just have full confidence in your love. I have failed so many times and continue to do so. But please make every situation yours. Especially with church and her. I must not lose my confidence for you already told me to be patient. Lord i am always reminded of your disciple Peter. He was so anxious and ambitious to fallow you. Yet he still lacked faith and denied you. I do not know if that day will ever happen, but when i does because i am human, forgive me Lord. Denying you can also mean not trusting you. Man i have so much to learn. I know i will lose this emotion, because my emotions toy with me. Please bound this weakness and make it yours. Please protect me from failure. Father your guidance is all i need. Yet i always look for satisfaction. Hear my cry Lord and shape my prayers for the right intentions. Shape my heart for your will. Lord guide me in my schooling, my quest to go on a mission trip across the world, to head to hillsong college for a year, to fix my relationships with everyone. You are my savior. I feel like i am asking so much and many around the world have so little. I do know how to deal with that mind set. Only you can show me through your wisdom. Thanks you Lord. I wont give up trying to have full faith in you. When that day comes i will be able to walk on water.

Who You Are 2!!

Lord tomorrow i will fast. Fast not that i want to, but i am honestly seeking your guidance and do not know what to do. Plz be my creator and my savior. Savior, Please. Come in my need. I am sleepless and haunted. I am pushed to the floor hoping that this is not it and there is still much in store. Savior, Please. Rescue me.

Who You Are!!!

Lord, i find myself being eaten away again. Not because of myself, but because i see so much fall in front of my eyes. I do not know if it is because i am not understanding your will, but i think i am not. See i cannot even think straight. I am lost with in my thoughts. I am restless and cannot sleep well. I am looking for you, but do know how to in this situation. Or i mean situations. I know i put her on the top, but i do have other stuff. Man like i hope my uncle becomes strong again. Just seeing how the family is close together is good, but at what cost? Is this all in your plan. I just want to cry right now at Starbucks. Because so much is racing through my mind and i would rather just be at church and cry out to you. I find myself relying on you so much more, yet is so anxious to hear you, feel you, or see you. I feel like i may have done something wrong too. But what do i know? I didnt try to. I did not want to do so many things wrong. I keep having all these thoughts, my dreams are making them come back. I wake up in the middle of the night constantly. Then last night i found myself crying. Why?? What is bothering me so much that even in my dreams i cry and then become real. I feel this burning inside my heart. I feel if i need to just let go and do something different and rely on you way more. I feel that i may have become to grow in my riches or that you have been filling my cup, yet i need to do things right in what you put in it. Because if not i know i will fall hard again. I will just become something that will be tangled by the thorns. I really want to just rely on you much more and nothing more. I do hope that the other at church come to that realization because i do not want to be that only person that grows. Or that only person who cant talk to everyone. Thats one thing that i miss the most. Just being able to talk. Just being able to say hey i am here for you can i pray for you. Or that to me. I MISS IT ALL. I AM STUCK IN THE PAST BUT IT WAS THE CLOSEST I FELT TO YOU AND TO EVERYONE. Now i feel that i am close to you, yet far from them. What do i do? What does a person do? What does a leader do? What does brother do? What does a family member do? What does a friend do? What does a disciple do? What does a child of your will do? What does helpless person do? What does a person do when he does not know how to share his riches? What does a person do to receive your riches? What does a person do????? You are My Maker. You are My Savior. You are My Lover. You are My Creator. You are My Remedy. You are My Soul. You are My Life. You will be My Job. You will be My Wife. You will be My Children. You will be My Everything. Let it be that i just do not lose you.

What Do I Do?

Lord. My Savior, my redeemer, my healer, my Father. What do i do? How do i do? Or do i do what i think i want to do? Lord, i do not want to fall again in this way. What i mean is that i do not want to think that my riches are from my own strength and not to enjoy in them. I do not want to be caught up in my own destruction and fail again to my emotional stupidity. I am long for that truth that you alone can give. You alone can be that rock that i need. But when i sing that song and i think my savior, my redeemer, my everything. Do i really want to be selfish about you too? Do i want to say hey his my savior and not yours? No i do not think i would. I want to say he will be there for you. Lord Jesus in my situation it may not look as if death has reached my body. But again i come to you with a mind, a heart, a spirit with anticipation. My prayer is not focused really on you, yet i know its you that i seek in it. My prayer is not to fulfill self deeds, but the flesh is. Yet Lord if it is your will take thy cup and fill with your spirit. I do not understand your knowledge and plans, but i know i will understand your heart more. It will never be completed until i see you face to face. I pray Lord that you will fill this cup and not the poor emotions that i bring and not the words of human lips and tongues. For they may help for a second, but your word and love is eternity. It is over my head lord with this situation. I find myself in a state of wanting answers in a speedy processes, but i know i do not want that too. My savior let be that if you do fill my cup, that it will overflow to the right people. For those people can be filled not by me, but you. You know my heart and desire. I feel like its a gift from you. It may hurt, but your protecting me. I would be lost fully, yet i am here talking and writing to you. Let your love and glory fix what i have become and done. It may be your will, but if i did delay or offset what was planned, protect me from certain destruction and bring a new again. I will go through the waters and fires, but i will not drown or be burnt. I will be protected by the armor of my redeemer. Let that be passed down to others. I prayer for her to just be strong. She has a lot on her plate. I know it is funny that i still like her, but it is your will. I do not want to bug or chase her, but i want to wait for her and i want to just show her i am there for her, not as a person, but a brother in Christ. I know that college is tough, the sense of how life is falling is always near. The thought of school, work, LIFE. Is so much to bare. Sometimes i feel like i run away from it too. But i need you and she needs you and we all need you. The church, my family, my friends, and this world of yours. Savior, Please take this prayer and let your will fall. For you alone. For you alone. Selah. For you alone can bring us hope, be the remedy for the sick, lost, and hurt. For you alone can bring love like no other. What do i Do???? I seek your guidance and not mines, please if i do something that you stop me. You alone can stop me. For you are who you are.

Stop Sleeping and Be Awake

I live in a world in which the way we are brought up is that we need to worry for ourselves. That what concerns us is what is most important. I know it is good to care for yourself, but i know one man that did not follow that norm. His name was Jesus. Lol funny start to this journal. Lord i ask of you to guide me. I seek for your strength. I will right down what we talked about at service today. First of the book of Ephesians 5:6-21. Lord you ask us to be pure for your light is meant to shine from us. Like Shane talked about how you created us in your palm and intended that your light was only meant to be with in us. Lord as it says be exposed to the light, please do expose me. I am in a sleep in which i need to be awaken. I need to realize how much you are to my life. My life is nothing without you. By that in the people i meet, the classes i take, the time im at the gym, eating, sleeping, everything, i got to have with you in it, if not its weird how the day becomes. I find myself driving on the freeway fast to come back from school or going to school and i try not to be all crazy. Yet i still make comments to other people driving. Im not better than them, yet i reflect that. I am glad that i am able to catch myself in the act, yet so hard. But i know you will change me.
I am glad that you have spoken to me about the issue that seemed to be so dramatic for me. I know it is selfish of me, but thats me. But back on subject i am glad that this "Sex Rehab" at water of life was something i did need. Even though i did not have sex, it brought up so many issues that i was having. Hebrews 13: 4-8. This passage is so true to keep ourselves pure. I have been trying to control so much of my dating life and almost lost my sex life. But you was guarding my heart. For you will never leave me nor forsake me. Lord i will love for you to have your way. Because i have been doing so many things wrong and looking at my past so much. I see that hope now. I see what it means to have things be in your hands. I first want to love you. From that you will be my center. That center that will follow me to the ends of the earth. Carry me to your arms for even myself will become blind and fall asleep in the light. I know time and time again i will fall, but you will be the same at yesterday, today, and forever. So Lord by your will that you come within me and awaken me for your use. Because i do not want to see loose myself again, but if anything i would rather have my heart for you clear. I do not know what i mean by that, but i feel like i would let go of everything just for you. But i know i have to help others know who you are. Your the savior of all. Your my savior. So i do not wanna sleep again. Because i would rather be ready. Like you said that you will come like the thief in the middle of the night. So i cannot be asleep.