I...

I want You. It is easy to be caught up in the motion of doing just work. Father i cannot explain my heart right now but you know much more. I do want to cry on your shoulders for some reason. Maybe because i just cannot wait to be with the one that saves me. I am not of purity and holiness, but i want to be. Its my soul that cries for something that is not of this earth.

Father, the Maker, Your ways are beyond words

Father, You are holy, the angels cry out

Father, You are willing, thank you for letting Your Son come

Abba, I cannot tell of You ways.

Christ, You, the pillar of fire

The darkest of roads are lit up, the light shines

The valleys are full of shadows, yet the shadow i look for is You

Christ, You, the pillar of cloud

The highest of mountain are clouded, my enemies cannot see

The desert is hot, yet the cloud provides

Christ, You, the Savior

Death cannot sustain You, Satan has no authority, Life is in You

The rocks even cry out Your name when i cannot

Worship is all that i can do, Faith in You i will have and will not have

I am sinner and i ask for Your mercy

I cannot run race without You being the King, the Brother, the Hope, the Way, the Truth the Lover of my life.

I forget what pain You have been through

I forget Your amazing love

I ask for Your forgiveness.

I am looking for You deep inside, for my flesh is my greatest enemy.

Please Christ, forgive me once again, please provide not answers for my own deeds, but provide what is of daily bread so that Your will be done and not mine.

I will not move unless You say so.

Holy Spirit. I ask for Your awesome help.

I once thought of You as power, but You are God, You are my Lover too.

Holy Spirit remind me daily what it means to love and praise You in worship.

I look, i wait, i will cry for You.

Only in You i am reminded of Your will.

Take heart. See what is wrong with me and by You mercy and grace have Your way.

What ever You choose, i will follow. The Kingdom of God is more important than this life.

One day people will understand, and yet truly i cannot, but i know it will because of You Word. You Word is truth. Its the Hope the world needs. I need You to set me free. I need Your Love above all.

You are God and I am not.

Remember

So today i was blessed with Luke chapter 10. I realized my dreams are first achieved by following it and than Loving the Lord with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. From there i can achieve his blessing of ministry. Just as in Acts 6 when the church was learning to be taughtful of each other. Everything in the church is desirable to the Lord. As we serve we need to serve with his heart. It also begins with the little out reaches of action. Luke 10 and Acts 6 talk about do something with our faith within and out side the church. Both are need.

Today i was doing a lot for family and felt choked that i did not set a time for my Father. I did in the morning yet i did not meditate upon it. I was so relieved to go to church tonight. I need my Father, my Christ and my Holy Spirit. It felt weird that i was not walking with Him. I want more and more and i just dislike this world, culturally.

Here is how you go to God’s storehouse and get what you need;

1. Come boldly to his throne and ask largely for all the grace and mercy you need to see you through every temptation and trial. The devil has a million ways to make you feel guilty, fearful, condemned and confused and he’ll tell you, “You feel this way because you’ve got junk in your heart!” But I stopped looking in my heart a long time ago, because it’s always black. Yet it is white to my Father because it is covered with the blood of the Lamb! It does not matter how you feel. Simply look to God’s Word for what Jesus has done. He has wiped your slate clean!

2. Remind God that it was his idea for you to come in. You did not go the Lord saying, “Father, I want everything you have!” He invited you in saying, “All I have is yours. Come and get it!”

3. Take God at his Word! The Bible says that everything he has for us is obtained by faith. You need only say in faith, “Lord Jesus, flood me with your peace because you have said it is mine! I claim rest for my soul.” You cannot work this up. You cannot sing or praise it down. It comes from being rooted and grounded in a revelation of God’s love for you. This comes not in a feeling but rather in the Word that he himself has spoken: “In my house is bread enough to spare!”

4. Take God’s Word and hammer all your fear, guilt and condemnation to pieces! Reject it all—it is not of God! You can say, “Let the devil come at me with his lies. My Father knows it already, and he has forgiven and cleansed me. There is no guilt or condemnation toward me. I am free!”

Beloved, I believe that if you ask the Spirit right now to help you seize this truth—to get rooted and grounded in it—the coming days will be the greatest you have ever had. You can say, “Lord Jesus, I know I am going to make mistakes, but nothing is going to shake me because you have everything I need to attain the victory and to live in it.”

Come into his storehouse and claim all that is yours from your loving Father!

Prayer!!

Dear Jesus,

You told me to resist the devil and he would flee from me,

But I have no resistance.

You have all the power and resistance I’ll ever need,

So give me the power to resist.

You told me I could move my mountains

If I had faith even as a mustard seed;

Yet my mountain won’t move

Even though my faith in you is as great

As I can conceive it.

You made the heavens and earth;

Please move my mountain.

You said, “Flee the very appearance of evil!”

So I ran hard,

But sin overtook me

In my finest hour of effort.

You have power

Over all the power of the enemy

With miracles, signs and wonders.

Deliver me from the trap of Satan.

I don’t even have the strength to put on the whole armor,

So dress me as my armor-bearer.

Do for me what I know I cannot do for myself.

So this prayer is from David Wilkerson. As i read it last night and tonight i realized that we as Christians need to be real in our prayers. I cant explain it, but being one with the Spirit is breath taking. Words cannot wrap the wonder of it. I will say yesterday i fell. It was so random. Like the night before i do not know why but i was falling. But, my heart was shaking, my mind raced for my God. But the next morning Satan was waiting. Although i was 3-4 for weeks in this state of mind, an addiction is not fought with a cold turkey attitude. Especially as the body trys to overwrite the heart. But i fell and i knew the Spirit was hurt. I felt that a tear fell from my eye but it wasnt mines. I felt so horrible that i got in my car hiked up the mountain and stood up there from 10-3 in prayer, reading books and Bible and just receiving what the Spirit was trying to reach out. It was hard, because Satan wants to make you feel more guilty and shameful when God's love is above that. I actually received a lot of grace and insight, but i love how we can run to a God that is so merciful, loving, and full of grace that he is who he says he is. FATHER SON AND HOLY SPIRIT><

Trusting the Word and Not the Flesh

Today i went to the healing rooms and was blessed with prayer and anointing; yet, i find it difficult to still seek the Lord without questioning the fact that it can be my flesh or selfish desires that want to move forward. I know that my flesh right now i seeking to look at porn or just please my self for things that are happening, but i had nothing to do with it. I was just a servant under the Lord's will. I do not like to think that i did things, although it was me that i was the vessel. I really want to shine for my Father. If it is his will to use me then i will wait for Him. It is scary to wait, but i know from past experiences and even this week i will say i need to wait. I want to keep myself from falsehood and lies. I want to only receive my daily bread. I pray for my family. I pray for my sis and her friend to continue to go to pure. I want to be able to enjoy these blessing with the fact that they are all given by the Provider of my life. I want understand the Holy Spirit more because i am so new to Him. Well i got to say I Love My God.

"He sent a man before them, even Joseph, who was sold for a servant . . . until the time that his word came: the word of the Lord tried him" (Psalm 105:17, 19). Joseph was tested and tried in many ways but his greatest trial was the word he had received!

Consider everything Joseph endured: At only seventeen, he was stripped down and cast into a pit to starve to death. His cold-hearted brothers laughed at his pleas for mercy and sold him to Ishmaelite traders who took him by caravan to an Egyptian slave market and sold him as a common slave.

Yet Joseph's greatest trial wasn't his rejection by his brothers or even the human indignity of being made into a slave or being cast into prison. No—what confused and tried Joseph’s spirit was the clear word he had heard from God!

God had revealed to Joseph through dreams that he would be given great authority that he would use for God's glory. His brothers would bow before him and he would be a great deliverer of many people.

I do not believe any of this was an ego trip for Joseph. His heart was so set on God that this word gave him a humble sense of destiny: "Lord, you have put your hand on me to have a part in your great, eternal plan.” Joseph was blessed just by knowing he would play an important role in bringing God's will to pass! But the circumstances in Joseph's life were just the opposite of what God had put in his heart. He was the servant—he had to bow! How could he believe that he would one day deliver multitudes when he was a slave himself? He must have thought, "This doesn't make sense. How could God be ordering my steps into prison, into oblivion? God said I was going to be blessed but he didn't tell me this was going to happen!"

For ten years Joseph faithfully served in Potiphar's house but in the end he was misjudged and lied about. His victory over temptation with Potiphar's wife only landed him in jail. During such times he must have pondered the awful questions: "Did I hear correctly? Did my pride invent these dreams? Could my brothers have been right? Maybe all these things are happening to me as discipline for some kind of selfish desire.”

Beloved, there have been times when God has shown me things he has wanted for me—ministry, service, usefulness—yet every circumstance was the very opposite of that word. At such times I thought, "Oh, God, this can't be you speaking; it must be my flesh," I was being tried by God's word to me but God has given us his promises and we can trust them, all of them!

IM NOT ALONE!!!

Numerous Christians, including pastors, have told me they are continually harassed by former sins. They say, “Brother Dave, if you only knew what I once did, how I sinned, you would understand why I’m so down. My sin still hangs over my head, and I battle constant guilt over it. I believe the Lord has forgiven me, that his blood is sufficient to cover my iniquity, but I don’t have the peace that comes from that knowledge.”

Others tell me, “I believe I’m forgiven, but my mind is continually bombarded with hellish thoughts. It can happen anywhere, even in church, and it makes me feel so unclean. I have a hard time believing I am pure in God’s sight.

These believers forget that Satan also tempted Jesus with awful, ugly thoughts during his wilderness testing. Today, the devil sends little foxes into your life to make you think you’re hopeless, that God is mad at you. They inject thoughts into your mind meant to destroy your faith in the power of Christ’s blood over you.

Dear saint, you are not to listen to those mental invasions. You have to cut them off, crying, “Holy Spirit, I know you’re beside me. Help me!”

All who take up the cross and fight the good fight of faith are in a constant battle. We all face evil thoughts—thoughts that come because of our past, or because of a sense of rejection, or simply because we live in wicked, sensual times. Yet when we apply Christ’s blood to these roots of doubt, it reaches into every cell of our being, including our minds, and thoroughly cleanses us. And that brings freedom and true rejoicing.

You are not alone in your struggle. He has sent you the Holy Spirit, who knows how to deal with the enemy and free you from all bondage. He is the still, small voice that will guide you and empower you through all your battles.

Pray with me: “Holy Spirit, I want to grow in spiritual fruitfulness. I want to be rid of all hypocrisy, and I want gentleness, patience and love. I know you still love me, in spite of my lack of these things. So, stand by me and help me. Amen.”

Have Faith!!

“Whatsoever is not of faith is sin” (Romans 14:23).

Believe it or not,
That is the question.
Did Jesus really walk on water?
Heal lepers?
Raise the dead?
Make the blind to see?
Cause the wind and waves to obey?
Cast out devils?
Heal lunatics?
And turn water into wine?
To believe all of that
A man would have to believe in miracles!
Yet a man cannot believe in Christ at all,
Unless he believes in miracles—
His resurrection
And ascension.
He is either dead or alive,
And if alive—
It is a miracle!
And all He ever did was miraculous.
Believe it all.
That is faith!

It is not easy but last night Lord i swear you were there to comfort me. The battle is not over and will never be. Can i hold your hand once again? Abba I love you and i thank you. I thank you for you grace. The fact that you made my family the way it is and although it is flawed due to sin, you are present 24/7. I want to give up at times. I sin and find my self in a lustful act, yet you have taught me so much and will continue to do so. I love how you teach. I love how you can make my heart yearn for you. I love how i have this roof over my head. I love how you keep me healthy. I love how you watched out for me. I love how your providing me my car, my finances; love how you drive my passions and my dreams. Lord Jesus, continue to love me, because at the end of each day i know that no matter what happens your who you say your are. I will follow you, if i slip, you will bring me back just like king David.

One Thing I Need to Believe

Jesus calls the Holy Spirit “the Comforter.” It is one thing to know the Holy Spirit as our comforter, but we must also know how he comforts us, so we can distinguish what comfort is of flesh and what is from the Spirit.

Consider the brother who is overcome with loneliness. He prays for the comfort of the Holy Spirit and expects that comfort to come as a feeling. In fact, he imagines it as a kind of sudden breath from heaven, like a spiritual sedative to his soul.

This feeling of peace may actually come to him but the next morning it is gone. As a result, he starts to believe the Holy Spirit has refused his request. No, never! The Holy Spirit doesn’t comfort us by manipulating our feelings. His way of comforting is vastly different and is outlined clearly in Scripture. No matter what the problem, trial or need, his ministry of comfort is accomplished by bringing truth: “When he [the Holy Spirit] is come, he will guide you into all truth” (John 16:13).

The fact is, our comfort springs from what we know, not what we feel. Only truth overrules feelings! And the comforting ministry of the Holy Spirit begins with this foundational truth: God is not mad at you. He loves you.

“Hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us” (Romans 5:5). The Greek meaning here is even stronger than the translation suggests, saying that the love of God is caused to “gush forth” into our hearts by the Holy Spirit.
An unbearable burden may be caused by fear, shame, sorrow, afflictions, temptations, or discouragement. Yet, no matter what the cause, comfort is needed.

Suddenly a voice is heard, echoing through every corridor of the soul—the voice of the Holy Spirit—declaring to the soul, “Nothing can separate you from the love of God.”

This truth—once you believe it—quickly becomes a gusher of living water, sweeping away every stumbling block. “The Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you” (John 14:26, my italics).

You

"Father there is none like You,

You loved from the start

The plan was set and You Son was it."

"Christ, the living Rock.

You were there, you were present through out the history of Israel.

It took time, yet Your patient in love.

Be the Rock in my life and my King.

I need you. I need the King of my life to fight my battles and protect this territory.

In Jesus name I pray."

The Lies

In our times of trial and temptation, Satan comes to us bringing lies: “You’re surrounded now and there is no way out. Greater servants than you have quit in circumstances no worse than this. Now it’s your turn to go down. You’re a failure, otherwise you wouldn’t be going through this. There’s something wrong with you and God is sorely displeased.”

In the midst of his trial, Hezekiah acknowledged his helplessness. The king realized he had no strength to stop the voices raging at him, voices of discouragement, threats and lies. He knew he couldn’t deliver himself from the battle, so he sought the Lord for help. And God answered by sending the prophet Isaiah to Hezekiah with this message: “The Lord has heard your cry. Now, tell the Satan at your gate, ‘You’re the one who is going down. By the way you came here, you will also go out.’”

Hezekiah had very nearly fallen for the enemy’s trick. The fact is, if we don’t stand up to Satan’s lies—if, in our hour of crisis, we don’t turn to faith and prayer, if we don’t draw strength from God’s promises of deliverance—the devil will zero in on our wavering faith and intensify his attacks.

Hezekiah gained courage from the word he received, and he was able to say to Sennacherib in no uncertain terms: “Devil king, you did not blaspheme me. You liked to God himself. My Lord is going to deliver me. And because you blasphemed him, you will face his wrath!”

The Bible tells us that God supernaturally delivered Hezekiah and Judah on that very night: “It came to pass that night, that the angel of the Lord went out, and smote in the camp of the Assyrians an hundred fourscore and five thousand: and when they arose early in the morning, behold, they were all dead corpses” (2 Kings 19:35).

Believers today stand not just on a promise but also on the shed blood of Jesus Christ. And in that blood we have victory over every sin, temptation and battle we will ever face. Maybe you’ve received a letter from the devil lately. I ask you: Do you believe God has the foreknowledge to anticipate your every trial? Your every foolish move? Your every doubt and fear? If so, you have the example of David before you, who prayed, “This poor man cried, and the Lord delivered him.” Will you do the same?

God's Loving Concern

In the midst of this worldwide “shaking of all things,” what is God’s great concern in all of this? Is it on the events of the Middle East? No. The Bible tells us God’s vision is trained on his children: “Behold, the eye of the Lord is upon them that fear him, upon them that hope in his mercy” (Psalm 33:18).

Our Lord is aware of every move on the earth, by every living thing. And yet his gaze is focused primarily on the well-being of his children. He fixes his eyes on the pains and needs of each member of his spiritual body. Simply put, whatever hurts us concerns him.

To prove this to us, Jesus said, “Fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). Even in the midst of great world wars, God’s primary focus isn’t on the tyrants. His focus is on every circumstance in his children’s lives.

Christ says in the very next verse: “Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? And one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father” (Matthew 10:29). In Christ’s day, sparrows were the meat of the poor and sold two for a penny. Yet, Jesus said, “Not one of these small creatures falls to the ground without your Father knowing it.”

Jesus’ use of the word “fall” in this verse signifies more than the bird’s death. The Aramaic meaning is “to light upon the ground.” In other words, “fall” here indicates every little hop a tiny bird makes.

Christ is telling us, “Your Father’s eye is on the sparrow not just when it dies but even when it lights on the ground. As a sparrow learns to fly, it falls from the nest and begins to hop along the ground. And God sees every little struggle it has. He’s concerned over every detail of its life.”

Jesus then adds, “Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows” (10:31). Indeed, he says, “The very hairs of your head are numbered” (10:30). Simply put, the One who made and counted all the stars—who monitored every action of the Roman Empire, who keeps the galaxies in their orbits—has his eye fixed on you. And, Jesus asks, “Are you not worth much more to him?”

Starting Later

So from now on i will not be writing because i have a journal that is some what a evangelist's tool. From now on i will copy and past David Wilkerson Devotions that impact my life. It will be a reminder of me what i read and enjoyed.

(This is during a time of uncertainty with financial difficulty and family being emotionally destructive. I am trying to get back to the Lord since i have been far in my own sin. =[ Haste the day)

“When Jesus then lifted up his eyes, and saw a great company come unto him, he saith unto Philip, Whence shall we buy bread, that these may eat? And this he said to prove him: for he himself knew what he would do” (John 6:5-6). Jesus took Philip aside, and said, “Philip, there are thousands of people here. They are all hungry. Where are we going to buy enough bread to feed them? What do you think we should do?”

How incredibly loving of Christ. Jesus knew all along what he was going to do; the verse above tells us so. Yet the Lord was trying to teach Philip something, and the lesson he was imparting to him applies to each of us today. Think about it: How many in Christ’s body sit up half the night trying to figure out their problems? We think, “Maybe this will work. No, no…. Maybe that will solve it. No….”

Philip and the apostles didn’t have just a bread problem. They had a bakery problem…and a money problem…and a distribution problem…and a transportation problem…and a time problem. Add it all up, and they had problems they couldn’t even imagine. Their situation was absolutely impossible.

Jesus knew all along exactly what he going to do. He had a plan. And the same is true of your troubles and difficulties today. There is a problem, but Jesus knows your whole situation. And he comes to you, asking, “What are we going to do about this?”

The correct answer from Philip would have been, “Jesus, you are God. Nothing is impossible with you. So, I’m giving this problem over to you. It’s no longer mine, but yours.”

That’s just what we need to say to our Lord today, in the midst of our crisis: “Lord, you are the miracle worker and I’m going to surrender all my doubts and fears to you. I entrust this entire situation, my whole life, into your care. I know you won’t allow me to faint. In fact, you already know what you’re going to do about my problem. I trust in your power.”

An Endless Battle

I recently went to Arizona for a mission trip. I desperately needed a reminder of who i was. I left school to find myself lost at home. I thought my Father in heaven was a formula that generated answers at will. Sadly i was lost. My family was lost. Our mission field is not just the places where people are poor or in the mist of idols, but even our households.

My parents are struggling with past events and are bringing up everything. I was filled with angry towards my mom, but i could not yell at her because i knew better and that her sin was the thing to be angry at. It made me hurt inside to see my dad be so vulnerable. Being the Father in my very first blogs, i would never care for my dad as i do now. My dad has grown so much in Christ ever since he accepted the end of last year. My dad is on a journey that only him and the Lord are facing. My dad is meant to be the leader of this family. The Lord is reaching toward his heart. I for myself have been glad for this but it is difficult to see my family now have to battle.

For myself i came clean with my parents to give them hope that i am full of sin too. I told them that i to submit myself to pornography once in a great while. I am not ashamed of this because my Father has been giving me strength to open new doors and close old ones. 99% of men in america are addicted to the must revenue media industry in this generation. If i an going to shine a light i will do so. I have been on the battle since two years again and have fallen and have taken big steps. I know a group of guys that are in the same boat as me and looking to the Father for the grace to overcome this huge sin in many ways.

I want to honor my wife. I want to show her that with the Father grace i can love you as he has loved me. It is not easy in this generation, but i will continue to look up. I know a lot that my hunger for finally finding the right person in life allows me to fall into pornography. I know sometimes it allows me to make stupid judgments, but i am learning so much right now. Currently there are two girls that are on my mind. I know i cannot stay forever in the situation as well like the first half of this year chase where i cannot chase. I am hoping for the right person. I hope i find her soon. It is hard being in this state. In either way both mean a lot and both i have known for a long time. I must be in prayer, have faith and know my Father's promises.

First Week Back Home

This has been one tough week back home. From day one i had lost faith, i had flash backs of my past and continuously struggle to push back thoughts. I feel straight into sin. I had my flesh rule. I had been at boot camp with the Lord all semester, yet as soon as i stepped on to the battle field i fell in to the enemies lies. I realized how blessed the environment of a Christian community is, because once i stepped into the world i fell into it. Temptation is knocking on my flesh, my thoughts want to run the race, my blood rushes with impurity and lust.

I need the Lords grace everyday. Truly i can say that the verse i read last month was powerful, but why do i hold on to it so much thinking it can last. The Lord has so much more to share, i got caught up in what i wanted. I lost focus of enjoying all His Word. The Word is my daily bread such as mana was the daily meal for the Israelites in the desert. I was trying so hard to make a schedule, when my Father is more than a formula. I was trying to play the game as if i knew what i was doing, on top of that its not even a game, this is a race.

My Faith had been rocked. Satan tried to hard to grab a hold of me and still is attacking, but i want my Savior. Ever day and night i come to conclusion of His general and special revelation. It was by Faith that i walked through the desert and it was by Faith that even believers before me pressed into the King of kings. My Savior is not just the potter that works for clay, but is the potter that works from nothing, for he calls things by His Word.

Father, Christ, and Holy Spirit. I lack Faith still because of my sinful nature. I do not want to act according to my flesh, but by the spirit. My my heart true and in tune to your will. I have faith in that. I have faith that i will be able to listen, yet the situation i plan to face is cloudy. Is that wrong? I have no idea. Christ, you have shown me this week i am full of stuff from my past that i thought was gone. I may feel ready to date again and find someone in my life, but who? Where? Did i miss something i could not see? Is the person i am going to confront needed to be confronted? It is a funny subject, but you know this is one huge piece of my heart. I have seen people this past week come with so many problems and i have only spoke what i know is true from your Word, yet when it comes to myself i feel like i might be to selfish. I want to be humble and have your rule my heart and over this flesh. My flesh is dead, yet your bring life to my spirit. Guide me Father. Guide me Savior. Keep your promise of the Holy Spirit, because i am surely going to be waiting. I LOVE YOU!!! YOU NEVER LET ME GO!!!

Letting Go: Romans 8:32

So this will be tough to get back into a journal format and really collect my thoughts in a way for readers to enjoy. I would like feedback on ideas of how to write. Journaling or blogging is different from writing a paper for class.

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?" I heard this today during a message and i wanted to share what i got. Well first of is this passage is powerful right off that start. God understands our situation as creation, being lost in this darkness. It is important to realize what God has done for us, on which our hopes are built. When Christ took Salvation he did so knowing that even the Father would part from him. The Father offered his Son as a gift to His lost creation. If God so loved His creation He would have offered everything to it, yet did He?? Absolutely, His Son. It is implied that He will give us Christ, for other things are bestowed with him: not only with him given for us, but with him given to us. He will freely give us all things, and all things that He sees to be needful and necessary for us, all good things, and more we should not desire.

Letting go of what we already received is not easy. As people we become comfortable so quickly and want to always be satisfied, its a human trait that we have from our Father. We want to be comfortable, yet God calls us to not be because of our lack of understanding sin. God wants to give us everything and He has, Jesus. Everything is in Christ. Christ wants to continuously give us, yet can our sinful nature hold everything. Imagine trying to hold the water that falls from a storm. Can you hold it?? Don't think so, you are constantly recycling that water for you can only hold so much in your hand. The bigger the shape or hand the more you can hold, but you have a limit. Same concept goes with Christ. We can only hold so much of Him. His love and knowledge is like a drop in the ocean. No way of experiencing Him without letting go of what you have.

Be confident in the good work our Savior has done. We got to let go of what we have in our hands. We got to discover this concept through prayer and the Word of God. To overcome the one way is letting go of your own standards. It is easy to have a concept or vision of a situation, but is it enough? As believers we must let down our situations and look to things above such as Colossians 3 speaks about. In Hebrews 11 it talks about the Saint having faith in what was promised and although they grew old they had faith in God's promise since it was not to be receive in their life time. God knows more and we must let go. The longer you experience something the longer you hold on. We must be disciplined to let go and our Father knows that. Hebrews 12 talks about that and we must know to allow Him in and work.

The second thing is to let go of your environment. Being in church, home, school, work and so on, it is easy to want to be comfortable. It is easy to want a steady schedule. We must let go of being comfortable and accept the ups and downs, not just the mountain peaks of our lives. This is why ministry is so difficult, it takes a humble heart. Ministry in any environment takes lots of strength and every day has enough of its own worries. Matthew 7. We must need daily relationship with Christ. It all comes down to the Word changing you from the inside out to impact others and the environment around you.

It is important to really let go. Its hard. I have a situation right now that seems funny, but me being 20 years of age the wanting to find a spouse has been on the top agendas. I have someone i am considering, but i am being tested in so many ways. I do not want to be seeking my own wants when i already received everything. I got to let go. I really do. The Lord does listen thats why He gave Jesus Christ, his only Son, to the church.

The Baby Steps Back

"God did not cause Peter's failure, but great good came out of it. It was a part of the stripping of God's man—permitted to reveal what was rooted deep in the inner man. Only failure could expose the pride and self-sufficiency. Failure broke Peter down and revealed to him his need for absolute dependence on his Lord for everything, including his purity and righteousness." -David Wilkerson

I do not understand everything i am seeing currently, but i know i am never alone. So my Spring semester is coming to a closing chapter. I have learn so much about my faith and reason. I have have finally came to conclusion that i have a purpose that is beyond this world. Truly it is difficult to stop trying being my own prideful person, but it in failures that i can see my faults. I hate trying, i hate pushing beyond my own strength because every time it just shows how much i try to rely less on my Savior.

Hebrews 12

I am forever a Son of God and i should understand that. It never crossed my mind the importance of really calling Abba Father. A loving Father always watching from a distance, but steps in before things get out of control. We are called to be free, yet disciplined. Christians and myself should come to realization that this religious act is flawed. Its a joke. It serves as a foundation to build the stronger foundation, which is the Word of God, but who wants a legalistic relationship with friends, family, or even your significant other. I do not. The legalistic part of marriage is the same. Its amazing that marriage follows the way our Father in heaven designed His relationship. I will not love my wife because a document told me i have to, but i will because my Father taught me. Love is a skill to be taught, which our world has lost.

Now that i have come to a crossroad, love and discipline are one.

Now this is definitely a hard subject to talk about, and have to mention, but our earthly fathers teach. Son-father relationships are so broken in our society, yet do not our fathers teach something. Some good, some bad. Habits are carried down because what our fathers have taught us and what we have kept to be true. It is by reason that we come to conclusion that what our fathers do are true. Yes, our fathers may chop us up and destroy us, but as a son of a once crazy father, i know that his mis-happenings did not arrive from him, but from his father. It travels. It never ends, until the son realizes there is something more to our earthly reality. In this moment can one realize that there is more than our earthly fathers love and discipline. Everything comes from our earthly father.

Hebrews 12:1-11 is a powerful passage that can influence an individual, congregation, and a community of believers. Looking at this passage verse by verse brings to life a call to understand the Father’s love for his children. A congregation or even a community must not focus on the treasures of this world, but Christ. The trials of a congregation or community reflect the love that the Father has and will continue to have. Sin is our greatest enemy as individuals and towards other people, but God the Father understands that this entanglement of sin must be taken off to be able to walk in the path set.

Trying to figure out this deep love is overwhelming because of the Father’s and Son’s love being infinite. Letting go of our sin allows us to believe beyond what we can see. This vast wideness and deepness of thinking is hard to grasp, yet as individuals and a body of Christ, there must be a sense of faith and belief. Our faith comes from Christ; nevertheless, the struggle to not be caught up in sin is a burden. The shedding of blood against sin reveals the understanding that Christ loved the church first. The church must have faith within and outside the four walls, understanding that even the church as a whole must shed blood to resist the temptations of sin. This concept reflects on the words Paul wrote in the second of four letters to the Corinthians.

Our world offers answers to psychological, biological, and scientific problems, yet can this view-point be true. The truth that we seek in this world belongs to the absolute truth that our heavenly Father knows. As a society, it is easy to label everything with a possible answer or hypothesis. Does that solve the answer? No. God the Father understands that in our finite stage we need love and mercy to understand purpose. The Father gives purpose by calling His people “children”, as children we need to be disciplined to be able to understand His absolute truth and not our own finite truths. Love is part of the Father’s heart and truth that alone was shown by allowing His one and only son to pay the price for our sins. By fixing our eyes on Christ, we can see the entangled parts of sin on our lives giving us the opportunity to truly receive Christ as our strength, comforter, and provider.

Personally, I had a God encounter with this passage, which made it that much more enjoyable and personal. Upon arriving back at home during spring break, I became lost in my old lifestyle. God was tugging my heart to realize that school was meant for much more than personal gain. He was preparing my focus for my summer season in which He would be my guider and Father. I personally become broken and was lost in becoming my old self when I was in a process of being transformed. Not knowing what passage to choose between Hebrews and 2 Timothy, I was drawn to Hebrews. I constantly prayed about it, fasted and sought out wisdom. That night I ended up going to a healing room at church, which I never been to and there it all started. Upon looking for guidance, I cried out and did not know what to expect. There I meet three pastors and told me to keep running the race and to not let go of my desires and look to Christ. I was amazed and knew God was alive. Then one of the Pastors stopped me before I left the room and read Hebrews 12. I could not stop crying and I just did not know how to react.

Since then I have been so amazed and holding on to that scripture with so much heart has been a blessing. It challenges me to drop my own desires and consider Christ’s afflictions. It challenges me to shed blood to fight sin, acknowledging Christ being the center of me. It calls me to put effort in finishing the race with the lack of sin. It surprises me that as a son of the Father I am called to be disciplined and taught. In awe, I did not understand that believers before me cheer me on. The rewards right now are not seen clearly, but one reward that I found is that salvation, comfort, joy, and all of God’s characteristics are the result of his discipline.

I Miss It

I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss the deep nights of seeking God's heart and not my own. I miss the knowing that i am not here to fill my own desires. My dreams come and go and i miss them; yet, do i miss something more? I do! I miss being able to let go of my intellectual thinking and know Christ is my Savior through all the times of hardships. I know this summer is going to be a new season. I will be placed back into the area i was limping. I will be weak once again. This week being back home has been a preview of what is to come. His love, will love me the same when i come back, yet will my words, my heart, my mind be looking on things above and not my own things.

I got to let go. I got to let go of trying so hard. I cannot change things back home. I cannot be the one to change peoples hearts. I cannot rebuild relationships that are not fruitful. I miss things. I look back and i feel like i can travel backwards. Nope! Its not going to happen. In the same way i cannot push forward. Why would i want to?? I keep thinking like i got to finish this lap with the best time. With that mind set i will not finish the race any faster; all i do is hinder myself and giving myself a chance to fall.

I just want to be closer. A day without Christ is a million tears, its a sense of fear, it feels as if the day become longer. I know i am his, but its that struggle. The vine is the source of life. It need the Son and the rain. The Love that i long to hold true will never come from my how heart or mind, but only from my source of life, my creator. I just want to be closer.

Right now before writing back on my blog i found a famous David Wilkerson. I found out that he passed away last night and this was his last words on his blog:

"To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world."

Need to Circulate the Situation

Father, its been a while since i have come to this area of my life and be myself. I wanted to be able to just rest within your word and seek guidance through my situations. As i am listening to one of my favorite songs, i look back and you have done so much for me when i was wanting to walk away. Lord you know how much i struggle. How much i fight with you and at the same time i want to breathe you in. As i read Job here and there, i realize how much you have touched my life. Lately i have been strong, but Lord i fear messing up and failing you. I want to let you be my center and i want to seek your love. I do not know how family is doing, i do not know how church is doing, i been living my life. I been seeing my brothers and sisters in Christ struggle, and i just see all. You have given me that gift of being able to see and sensible to all. I do not know if i will break down and i do not if fail. Lord, i am looking for your love. I do not ask for strength, because i do not want to sound selfish and i want you. I want to lay everything before you. Lord a piece of me wish to be at college service tonight with the girl whom i care for, yet i am stuck at school. I want to study hard to my test, i want to finish my homework, i want to have my free time, i want to make enough money for my care payment, i want, and i want. It bugs me when i come to this type of thinking. I want what you want Father. Your my Abba and your the voice and word that seek in the mist of everything. I want to see your presence in my life where i am trying to control. It is difficult to separate everything and look to you. I get all anxious and my old self wants to reign. I have nothing over it, besides you. Like how Job sought for your counsel and continuously knocked on the door, my heart is beating the same. Here i am now, not know what to exactly to do, but i feel exhausted and full of this restlessness. Father, why am i here? Why do i seem to look for you more than anything and why do i find myself drawing near to certain people? Man i got lots of emotions tonight. Lots!!

Something I Wrote

So i was in Chapel this morning praying for some time and i decided to write this:

Lord your Laws are Lovely,

They hold truth and wisdom.

I come knowing that i am a sinner;

My body will be made to ask and dust once again.

How does one see purpose?

How does one know life?

All around is your creation;

I am called very good,

yet, I lack, I fail.

Christ you take my life to be whole,

You use me in your story.

Fear of the world,

It tries to take hold of my mind and heart.

When the ground shakes I cling,

When the seas rock I hold steady,

When the winds blow I take root.

Yet can I do all this?

Does my fear of money, love, lust, and the physical consume me?

You see the wolves in the forest,

You see the robbers planning.

I ask for protection, I ask for grace.

O great Lover of sheep, hold me tight.

Lie next to me at night.

Walk when I walk.

I ask for wisdom, yet where does it lie.

The world seems to dwell in itself, feeding itself;

Yet, when all falls its chaos.

Lord in Chaos, in the noise, where are your Laws.

Where is your Love?

Where is your wisdom?

It seems difficult to find.

I look up to the sky,

I look beneath between the cracks,

I search to the east and west,

but it is nowhere to be found.

I look for it in my literature.

I look for it in my day.

I do not find it,

yet, there it lies;

I see that its in your Word and creation.

Wisdom is located where David sought to see your heart.

Wisdom is knowing fear,

fear of the Lord.

I fear, yes I do.

For when I sin I am ashamed.

The cloak I try to wear is too tin for your eyes.

See through all you can.

Lord, help me fear,

Help me fear my Loving God.

Holy Spirit dwell where I know I cover.

Christ keep to your promises, for I long for them.

Let my prayers be like incest, in your Holy throne.

I want to say "Here I am",

I hear you asking "Do you love me?" three times.

I think of your commands.

I fear where I walk,

But is it you that i fear or the walk?

Help me to distinguish;

Help me to listen.

Calm my mind, calm my storms, calm my heart and soul.

I ask, I seek, I knock.

Close the door where it need to be closed

And open where it be open.

Your my God of teaching,

Your my God of Love.

Help me set my mind and heart on things above,

For I died and my life is hidden in Christ with God.

I Need To Blog More!!!

Well cannot help that i am trying to do so much. I am enjoying college, the growth of knowledge and heart, and just facing daily trials. Well tonight i am going to talk about my experience this past week.

First off, i been having this struggle with my anxiety and my thoughts. I never understood why they appear, but they do. Its hard to overcome such a thing, since its in the mind. As i learn more in school and just through experiences in life i become more thoughtful in my reasoning. I think un-contextually. This tuesday was the start of revelation for me. As Blake shared his Bible verse, i was convicted that i was not looking at God's true nature. I was adding qualities that did not match to what was said in the Bible. One thing was guilt. Christ did not make his followers or people who looked for his love feel guilt. One person elaborated that how can God make things feel uneasy, it is not of his nature. His yoke is gentle and humble in heart. I realized that my anxiety starts from my fear. The fear grows to thoughts, to anxiety, to guilt, to condemnation and accusation, and to just endless circles. I would think that the pain would be present forever. Sometimes i just have to leave the place i am in to realize that i was in the middle of sin.

I had a talk with John this week about the current girl that i have feelings for. I mean its hard to make a decision because i want to treat her as a sister in Christ before anything else. I do not see her and talk to her everyday and would like too, so its easy to look at other Christian girls the same way. It is not easy. Seriously. Im in the purity class at my church on fridays, and even God said at the beginning of time that for Adam to be alone, it was not "very good". God intended that void for men to be filled and as i get older i sense it more and more especially since i got my funny, scared past. Men have that characteristic to save and women to be save. That Christ characteristic with the church as his bride. In a sense i am really looking, yet all eyes are on Jesus, because i cannot stand in a relationship when he is not the center.

After hearing a couple of speakers this week, i asked my self, do i look at my sin more than Christ. Seriously i go to war with sin to much. I slip into a deep abyss and i given in due to my fear and focus on sin. I forgot what it meant to be truly saved. I mean i have justification, reconciliation, sanctification, confession. In this order we have conviction, confession, repentance, restitution, and reconciliation. Such as jealousy is from God and envy is not, conviction is from God, but not guilt. It is okay to feel guilty, but then we know that we are bad. That we need a savior and we are sinner from the start. Now being guilty is impure and not of God.

I have been fearing the wrong things. Whatever you fear, you idolize. The fear becomes anxiety which then become a guilt fill sin. I have been fearful in some situation and i have become envious, when i was thinking that i was jealous. I have no right of jealousy unless, i have full possession over it. There is an end to this and that is looking toward Christ and not the sins. I mean so many Christians, become fixated on the sins, when Christ has no intention for us to focus on that. Its our overwhelming walk that leads us to turn to look to the views on the side and fixate on it. You know what i mean, say when your traveling down the freeway and all of a sudden there is that one billboard that is attractive and you feel as if you want to be apart of its purpose. The same things occur in our walk with Christ. Our purpose falls to our physical. I also read Romans 6 this week and elaborated on sin. I wish to go into details, but im getting tired.

I just got to end on one note. I got to fear God, not anything else. Also i need to stop trying to save myself, i got a Savior man. Why try to save yourself when he has done that already. I can never become sinless, but i am still a sinner in a sense that i can sin less. On top of that i learned that in Song of Songs, Solomon even say his wife as unique. He reminded her that even people view her differently, that her being the only girl of the family she is unique. Out of all the girls, she is the difference that draws me near to her. Maybe she can be someone, but certainly my heart knows that, but satan is attacking from all angles to make me lose my way. God is my God. He knew that i would need him in this moment. Also Lord help me to put to death whatever is of my earthly nature. Thanks Abba.

Job 9

First off i want to say, i am praying for this world. It is crazy what i happening and how much the world is in its birthing pains. Christ will come and know one knows, but sure looks like the world is on the brink of its end. The world is being populated so quick, food is shortening, water is becoming hard to keep clean and in abundance, disease is on its move, the earth quakes in its every moving slumber, the storms that arise are huge, the earth is alive. God's creation is alive, yet what happen to his Love is in it all. God is good, yet the earth has been cursed since the fall of man. God has wiped the earth of sin once before and can do it again. He is the same as yesterday, today and forever. God despises sin, yet his heart is aching for what is happening. He sees his creations seeking perfection, yet it is no where to be found. Only in him can, we see the true love that we are called to be. Sucks to see things happen, and sucks to hear people mock God, yet we are totally missing the point of why all this happens. Our generation is one that is so self-centered and self-seeking. How can we understand reason if it can only be applied to the self. Emotions toy with our inner selves and that is why God gave us the mind of reason, to protect our hearts. Look at this event and many others. Use your mind and heart together to see God and not yourself or things.

Job speaks clearly of how can we judge the judger. Why makes us so special to stand before him with confidence? Is it not the fact that by the words of our fathers that God is to be feared? Can we stand in a pure presence of him? Not even the angels can view him. They cover there faces and there feet. Woe to me that i think i can stand in front of him. If my problems are so huge and think God needs to come to rescue because he has to, then i got it wrong. Job mentions even if i am innocent or pure, my sin is in me. I am guilty. He placed the star, be moves the mountains, and performs wonders that our little minds cannot reason. He snatches and takes away. Who can say, why do you do that?

Although Job was God's prized position, Job spoke of despising his own life. Verse 21-22 "Although i am blameless, i have no concern for myself; i despise my own life. It is all the same; that is why i say, 'he destroys both the blameless and the wicked.'" This is deep and so low for Job. Basically he thinks of God not caring, yet does show that is power is that wide. Job is lost. He struggles to stay clean, stay sane, to be a man of God. He knows that he cannot comfort God as he was man, but just be left as the dust in the ground.

Job is not an easy book to read and is full of wisdom, but man, rereading this from my past, i see a lot that i missed and forgot, and just things i need to work on. I pray for my uncle freddy. I do not fear, but believe. You will shine in the moment of darkness and sin. Make yourself true. Then glad that you have given me this heart father. Christ i hope i make the right moves, im looking to you and do not want to miss out on the blessings. I...i need you in this moment as well in every other. Thank you Abba.

Solitude Struggle

To be positioned is a difficult action to accomplish. Along side being positioned, the more difficult for action for me is to no sounds. I feel like I have this necessity to have Christian music at all times. I do not know if I have closed my ears to God’s voice in me. Whitney mentions, “I believe the convenience of sound has contributed to the spiritual shallowness of contemporary western Christianity” (187). I am not sure if I have become like this description.

Sunday morning I attended my friend’s church and the pastor mentioned about how we hear God in the mist of pure solitude. I felt conviction and left to the beach. I turned of my radio and started to be quiet and just think about God, but I fell into so many thoughts. Upon arriving to the beach, I wondered continuously. Jung mentions this level of difficulty by saying, “The awkwardness and discomfort in discovering more about the true self cause some to rush through silence and solitude. Additionally, our minds can be flooded with wandering thoughts” (47). I was really in circles and felt like I could not focus my mind and heart on God.

I walked on the beach, sat down, lay down, but I felt so twitchy in my mind. I could not control the box of thoughts. Although, there was this moment that I was watching a dad take picture of his two year old child wondering the beach. I felt like I was the kid, I would be distracted by everything I saw, touched, heard, tasted and smelt. Literally, this kid ate sand and smelt it. I felt like I was the kid. He would explore and when he felt excited, he would run and fall while the dad would support him up. Although, the kid would cry, wanting no support to get back on his two feet.

I had no bible, no music, but I guess the view of the world. I was trying to focus on God, I do not truly understand it, but I guess I was more likely reflecting while viewing the father and son. In these short fifteen minutes, I felt captivated. After a while, I lay down and looked to the clouds while hearing the waves, but I could not stop think

I do not know what I truly got out of this time. The fact that I was convicted of how I was acting like the child towards the surrounding and pushing God away made me feel something I cannot understand. I know I need more time of solitude, but it is difficult. Even nature brings sounds. I just know God’s image is in people and by watching the father and son; I might have grown to see God’s love towards me no matter how much I wrestle with him.

Job 2

Man, i have caught myself in a situation again. I feel so vulnerable, yet there is this longing for hope. As i read Job i am remembering my sufferings and where i once stood in the presence of You. Once again will i fall into You love. I am seeking in this world again huh? Do i long to seek happiness and not Your will. I do not know what to ask, because i feel so filthy, i have no reason to be before you father. I have been like a child trying to walk on my own and when you really want to hold me and take me up, i cry and even try to struggle on my own even if it mean crawling.

Father i am nothing like Job, for i do sin. I cannot be blameless in your Glory. Christ i ask for forgiveness. I ask for love. I have become so self-centered, looking for what others are getting. As a young man, i ask for the fathers guidance, because i been on this journey with only you. My story is with you writing it. I do not know if i am tested or going through such a trail, but please Jesus, know my heart and seek what is best. I cannot live without you even though i sin. You are all that i know. Nothing satisfies except your grace. Come like the wind. Help me to know the supernatural and know your love that is beyond comprehension. I long for You. Help me in school. Help me. I do not know what i am doing. I try to seek you, above all else, but am i doing something wrong. Christ see my hearts desires and clean them because in the mist of everything else you are there, you was, is and will be forever there. Please hear my cries and pains. I love you and i am thankful for the trials, because you made a way. It hurts, but Father have me see with my spirit. These senses distort what is of you. Calm my heart and quiet my soul for your burden is soft and light. Love you abba. Sorry for try to like her above you, cant help it. Guide me. Love you Savior. Love you.

Colossians 3:1-4

So today and this week i have been trying to meditate chapter 3 in Colossians. I actually have to remember verses 1-17 for my midterm and final. So this might be fun or a burden, but i believe that this is an awesome opportunity to actually learn the word more. I will say it is hard to meditate on one passage due to multiple readings, but i am actually learning more. Before coming to Biola i was actually reading Colossians for the first time, but i never held it in, so i think this is the opportunity to break it down and digest it to build my inner flame that Christ holds.

So as i read the first verse it says in the NIV verson, " Since, then, you have be raise with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God". Paul writes directly confirms that we as Christians have the grace of being raise with Christ. Its as if Paul is saying, dude you have been raise, listen. I am not sure of the Greek word of translation, bu the word "since" has this implication of hey listen. Listen to the words of the letters, for they are testimonies of truth and grace. He continues to elaborate that our hearts must be on things above. Surly this is important for our walk. Our hearts are the core of whom we are. The heart is the identity. Where we lay our hearts is where we lay ourselves. Surly our love is meant to be in the hand of God.

In verse 2 it writes in a quick direct manner after verse one, "Set your minds on the things above, not on earthly things." Once again i am not sure of the context in Greek, but surly this verse is meant to be broken down solo. Paul might have insisted that our minds too are vulnerable. I mean the means of learning the Bible and who God, Christ, and Holy Spirit starts from the mind then to the heart and to our hands and works. God intended for creation to reason. For reason and faith are a God give trait that we have since we are in the image of God. Reason and faith need this 50/50 balance. In this our minds too need to set on the things above for it trickles down to our hearts where all can be corrupted. Paul writes in Philippians 1:9-11 " ⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, ¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Surly we have this connection between mind and heart.

In verse 3 Paul continues, " For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Here we are taken apart and reminded that we are not bones, but made alive with Christ in God. We have always been dead. Since sin we have been dead. It is through Grace that God has intended even from the first instance of the Fall, that we are alive. This ultimate Grace through Christ is all we need. For Paul rights this double secureness, "

With Christ in God" Since we are with Christ surly we will be in the right hand of God as well. We are meant to worship God and it is beyond comprehension that we have worship for eternity. Yet, through Christ and being with in and having him feel our temptations and death, we are welcome to the place we are not worthy to enter. Maybe we can be in right hand of God with Christ, but it doesnt matter, for once we are with Christ we will be in the presence of God forever.

Verse for 4 finishes the paragraph of thought by saying, "When Christ, who is your life, appears, the you too will appear with him in glory." There is this concept that by grace we come to glory. This glory of glorifying God as our creator. Christ is our life and we will appear. There is no doubt in this sentence, but full faith. Surly we will come with Christ by his ultimate grace and be in the mist of the glory.

Paul knows that by living with our heart and mind on the things of heaven and on Christ can we appear to God in glory and glorify him in his holy presence.

To Know Your Will

Lately i have been thinking about how much i need to look forward in life. I mean yes i am in this great walk of enjoying what God has given me, but do i truly see how much he loves me. Do i understand that he loves me so much that he wants to be all within me. I mean yea it is easy to get caught up in the Christian life and go to concerts, seminars, lectures, and many other things, but not view yourself in the field where he wants you to sow.

Yesterday i was reflecting upon a writing in one of my books. I had no idea what to think about for the questions were confronting me. Imagine saying to God "here i am" this just powerful. There is a song by Desperation Band called "I Will Go" and it talks about Isaiah's experience being in front of the Lord. I always heard this song, yet did not reflect upon it. I was reminded about my calling. I so self-centered right now, where i am forgetting where i am suppose to go in life. I need to remember that this is one of my big prayer topics that i once had. If i want to tell the world about God, i got to know my field. I got to have a battle cry.

I have no idea where i am suppose to go. Yes i do say medical field, but now that i am experiencing more of God's love, i am seeing more and experiencing more than before. There is this passion and confidence, yet where will i go? First off, will i give up my life. To trust God is to have faith in all his sovereignty and control over creation and this reality we live in. I mean he has given me the eyes to see, but will i honestly take hold of his heart. I have this guilt as i start to ponder more upon this subject. I am unclean and feel like Isaiah many times in my walk. Isaiah 6 is just powerful for the angels cleaned him with the coals of the alter. Fire either consumes or cleans. Well will i let my dry bones be consumed by the fires of this world, or cleansed by God's love.

If i had a feeling that i would die soon, i would ask God for one more day or two. I would ask him, hey can i spend more time with my family, with friends, can i go to Europe, can i skydive. I mean i would ask for my own personal wants. Does this makes sense in which i am wanting Christ's will? I as well as other Christian are forgetting what it means to say "here am i". That we will honestly forfeit all that is ours. Will i spend my life giving up? Ministry is a big part of me right now and am involved with some. Although, am i there for my own will or Gods?

This is my prayer topic. I want to be cleansed. I want to able to hear God's calling once again. I want to be able to let go. I want to say "here i am, send me". I am so overwhelmed by his grace, that i have to remind myself, that it is not meant to be kept, but shared. Everyday i am ruined for i am full of sin. I mean i deserve hell. God does not need us, but we need him. Since the beginning of time we needed him. Yet will i say my life is all for Christ. Will i take that step and drop everything i am seeking and realize he is God.

Psalm 119: Beth

ב Beth

⁹ How can a young person stay on the path of purity?
By living according to your word.
¹⁰ I seek you with all my heart;
do not let me stray from your commands.
¹¹ I have hidden your word in my heart
that I might not sin against you.
¹² Praise be to you, LORD;
teach me your decrees.
¹³ With my lips I recount
all the laws that come from your mouth.
¹⁴ I rejoice in following your statutes
as one rejoices in great riches.
¹⁵ I meditate on your precepts
and consider your ways.
¹⁶ I delight in your decrees;
I will not neglect your word.

The first verse of the passage is a prayer topic that I have held on to for sometime, “How can a young man keep his way pure and righteous before you?”

The Word, the commands of the Lord are living making one’s heart pure.

Daily there is a battle between our hearts and the snake hiding within our hearts. There is this fight that causes one’s heart to seek purity and direction. I asked myself a lot if my thoughts are righteous. I tend to over reflect a lot and my anxiety can pull me down quickly during trials; nevertheless, I have this seeking heart.

The passage strongly starts with a seeking of the heart’s purity. The Psalmist understood that the Lord is relational and that all strong relationships start from the heart. By reading the Word of God and holding to his commands, one’s heart will build a strong relationship with the Lord. By growing in relationship with God’s heart, our hearts hold dear to His truth. The Lord’s truth digs itself deep in our hearts in which it grows to become the reminder of our identity in Christ.

The teaching of God’s Word towards our hearts is the Psalmist prayer, for what we hear and read becomes apart of our lips. I enjoy the passage in which it speaks, “with my lips I recount all the laws that came from your mouth.” After all the words and songs I hear about our God, it becomes apart of me. I cannot grasp the concept, yet it is something I rejoice to. Even the Psalmist is amazed by this concept that the verse calls it “riches” and only one’s heart can only rejoice for such magnitude. Knowing that there is an infinite foundation of riches in God, meditation is our source of protection designed for our hearts that seek purity. The Word is active and living. Many times, it is easy to miss the point, but in meditation, our hearts are able to consider the Lord’s ways. Over time the wonders of God are deeply rooted having our hearts deciding to not neglect the Word.

By creating a big idea statement, my heart was looking for God’s teaching and not my own selfish wanting of what the passage can offer. I cannot say that I never look towards the Word with a selfish heart, but by creating a wider passage, I have a foundation on mediating God’s word.

I enjoy Psalms a lot and have read the Message Version to look deeper into what the Psalmist’s hearts are conveying. I can say I learned a new tool to mediate on the Word, in which I can have a one on one connection with the Lord. I truly have this hard time understanding my anxiety and my constantly running mind. I got to trust what I cannot see and not let it get over my head. I want to dwell more in the riches on my Savior in which I can become pure. Where I can not neglect the Spirit and view the relationship as more that anything the world can offer. I have been so overwhelm at Biola and in my life, I some how am able to find peace. I cannot explain it, but I believe it’s the constant diving into the Word with a hungry heart. The power of the Word and the commands of our loving God are infinite. I specifically want to hold on to the Word and Christ’s heart, in which He opens my heart to more of Him having my heart grow purer than gold.

Its Been Sometime...

...I haven't really found the time to just sit and reflect on life. I mean i find myself in the mist of the ever chaotic world. I feel as if it is hard to stand, yet i am not the great at standing in life. I some what do better when i back down and just know i am not strong to take on daily struggles. I mean i do write but its more for class and my readings. I am debating if i should post those up, yet are they truly intentioned to be apart of my writings?

Well yesterday the bubble burst. I could not hold on to what i was thinking was best for me. I had to let go and realize that i needed to be humble. I mean i am in a school that enjoy. I have met some awesome people yet, i was stretching myself so much for four bible classes and still driving home mon-wed and the weekends. I mean its overwhelming, yet being taught at a young age, i need to work hard, put all effort in, yet i also learned to be on my knees. So i guess i forgot the reason why i live and why i am in the situation im in. I have walked through the valley of death and i understood that i had to let Christ be apart of me. I mean my situations are so tiny to Christ, yet its so easy to think that our problems are bigger. I mean it is conception of fear that Satan allowed through the fall to have us, as God's creation, forget that the only thing we need to fear is God himself for His Word is beyond our comprehension.

So i had to drop my New Testament class. I had to tell my tutor that i can only drive back home monday and tuesday because i need to set up boundaries for myself as well. I mean i wear myself out so many times due to my nature of being so humble and conforming to peoples motives or wantings. I mean i was becoming so thin in my ability to take on my days. I need to relax and just live knowing my two goals.

Well yesterday i was shot in my pride, but i mean i am pretty much ahead in somethings, so why keep rushing. Thank you Lord for breaking me down and having me understand were the pain was coming from. I still have to take on things, but its a bit lighter now. Only through you i can stand.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along."

Psalm 40:2 NLT