So i have come to conclusion while at Biola. I have entered my next Desert. I mean i do not know how long i will be seeing myself in this situations, but already my heart is breaking. I want to snap, this time its not because of myself, but home. I feel like i have left something so fragile, so lost, so empty. Home needs constant prayer and support. I feel so hurt to see this happen. It kills me inside to even think about it. I feel like i need to support them spiritually, emotionally, and physically. Especially my dad. My dad needs me i know. I know he needs You more Christ, but he needs me too. As a person who watching his dad accept Christ and is praying and trusting is You Christ so much, then get hit in the face with everything is just heart breaking. I know Your hearts breaks too, So please Father, Savior, be so graceful and have mercy on him. I may not know the main picture, but You have to see the broken hearts right now. I know how empty a desert is, it just hurts to see the person trying so hard to fall into it. I thanked You for at least letting my heart know to warn him of the pain to come. I see my mothers eyes and they are full of hate and darkness. I cant even talk to her. Its as if my mom and dad switched places, yet my dad has found something that my mom cannot understand some what. It hurts to talk like this, but i have seen it and it sucks. Spiritual eyes are a blessing yet painful.
I am glad to be away and start a new, but i know i am going to fall. Driving from here to home for tutoring will in itself be a toll on me. I have this car payment that just kills me, yet i got to endure. I find it hard to not worry. I find myself some what vulnerable such as when i started at Art School. I know this is where i am suppose to be, but know growing as a man and helping family, its hard. They mean a lot and all i want to do is have them see what i see. I guess that my goal in life right now, above all the wants to pursue a degree. Family. Family is so important and i will die for it. I want them to be one with You as the center. I find myself in You Christ, that i cannot walk this road without thinking how much You are needed.
I ask Jesus, for Your Love and comfort. I need it, i need it. I need to be able to let go of somethings, but at the some time i cannot because its my nature to fight back. Seasons come and go, but my heart is telling me, that something is important and i need to keep my heart and prayers towards You. Father, help my father. Teach him and me to be the men You called Your children to be. You are more that life. Help me to draw closer to You. I long to understand Your heart and i have seen just a cup full of it compared to Your huge oceans of Love. But can You not just hear my prayers but my fathers. I want to cry right now, just thinking of how much he is in the desert, because he and many other things surly did put me in that situation and every night i cried and felt so empty, felt to dark, felt so lost, felt so alone, felt so far, i was in the darkest of darks. I cannot help but relate because i know what it feels and i am remembering what it feels. Its not good. Its not good. For three to four years, it was not good, yet You was there hurting too. It just hurts to see my dad go what i went through, because its hard. The hardest thing.
Here us Father.
Be the Savior in the time of need.
Please shine where darkness reigns.
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