Something I Wrote

So i was in Chapel this morning praying for some time and i decided to write this:

Lord your Laws are Lovely,

They hold truth and wisdom.

I come knowing that i am a sinner;

My body will be made to ask and dust once again.

How does one see purpose?

How does one know life?

All around is your creation;

I am called very good,

yet, I lack, I fail.

Christ you take my life to be whole,

You use me in your story.

Fear of the world,

It tries to take hold of my mind and heart.

When the ground shakes I cling,

When the seas rock I hold steady,

When the winds blow I take root.

Yet can I do all this?

Does my fear of money, love, lust, and the physical consume me?

You see the wolves in the forest,

You see the robbers planning.

I ask for protection, I ask for grace.

O great Lover of sheep, hold me tight.

Lie next to me at night.

Walk when I walk.

I ask for wisdom, yet where does it lie.

The world seems to dwell in itself, feeding itself;

Yet, when all falls its chaos.

Lord in Chaos, in the noise, where are your Laws.

Where is your Love?

Where is your wisdom?

It seems difficult to find.

I look up to the sky,

I look beneath between the cracks,

I search to the east and west,

but it is nowhere to be found.

I look for it in my literature.

I look for it in my day.

I do not find it,

yet, there it lies;

I see that its in your Word and creation.

Wisdom is located where David sought to see your heart.

Wisdom is knowing fear,

fear of the Lord.

I fear, yes I do.

For when I sin I am ashamed.

The cloak I try to wear is too tin for your eyes.

See through all you can.

Lord, help me fear,

Help me fear my Loving God.

Holy Spirit dwell where I know I cover.

Christ keep to your promises, for I long for them.

Let my prayers be like incest, in your Holy throne.

I want to say "Here I am",

I hear you asking "Do you love me?" three times.

I think of your commands.

I fear where I walk,

But is it you that i fear or the walk?

Help me to distinguish;

Help me to listen.

Calm my mind, calm my storms, calm my heart and soul.

I ask, I seek, I knock.

Close the door where it need to be closed

And open where it be open.

Your my God of teaching,

Your my God of Love.

Help me set my mind and heart on things above,

For I died and my life is hidden in Christ with God.

I Need To Blog More!!!

Well cannot help that i am trying to do so much. I am enjoying college, the growth of knowledge and heart, and just facing daily trials. Well tonight i am going to talk about my experience this past week.

First off, i been having this struggle with my anxiety and my thoughts. I never understood why they appear, but they do. Its hard to overcome such a thing, since its in the mind. As i learn more in school and just through experiences in life i become more thoughtful in my reasoning. I think un-contextually. This tuesday was the start of revelation for me. As Blake shared his Bible verse, i was convicted that i was not looking at God's true nature. I was adding qualities that did not match to what was said in the Bible. One thing was guilt. Christ did not make his followers or people who looked for his love feel guilt. One person elaborated that how can God make things feel uneasy, it is not of his nature. His yoke is gentle and humble in heart. I realized that my anxiety starts from my fear. The fear grows to thoughts, to anxiety, to guilt, to condemnation and accusation, and to just endless circles. I would think that the pain would be present forever. Sometimes i just have to leave the place i am in to realize that i was in the middle of sin.

I had a talk with John this week about the current girl that i have feelings for. I mean its hard to make a decision because i want to treat her as a sister in Christ before anything else. I do not see her and talk to her everyday and would like too, so its easy to look at other Christian girls the same way. It is not easy. Seriously. Im in the purity class at my church on fridays, and even God said at the beginning of time that for Adam to be alone, it was not "very good". God intended that void for men to be filled and as i get older i sense it more and more especially since i got my funny, scared past. Men have that characteristic to save and women to be save. That Christ characteristic with the church as his bride. In a sense i am really looking, yet all eyes are on Jesus, because i cannot stand in a relationship when he is not the center.

After hearing a couple of speakers this week, i asked my self, do i look at my sin more than Christ. Seriously i go to war with sin to much. I slip into a deep abyss and i given in due to my fear and focus on sin. I forgot what it meant to be truly saved. I mean i have justification, reconciliation, sanctification, confession. In this order we have conviction, confession, repentance, restitution, and reconciliation. Such as jealousy is from God and envy is not, conviction is from God, but not guilt. It is okay to feel guilty, but then we know that we are bad. That we need a savior and we are sinner from the start. Now being guilty is impure and not of God.

I have been fearing the wrong things. Whatever you fear, you idolize. The fear becomes anxiety which then become a guilt fill sin. I have been fearful in some situation and i have become envious, when i was thinking that i was jealous. I have no right of jealousy unless, i have full possession over it. There is an end to this and that is looking toward Christ and not the sins. I mean so many Christians, become fixated on the sins, when Christ has no intention for us to focus on that. Its our overwhelming walk that leads us to turn to look to the views on the side and fixate on it. You know what i mean, say when your traveling down the freeway and all of a sudden there is that one billboard that is attractive and you feel as if you want to be apart of its purpose. The same things occur in our walk with Christ. Our purpose falls to our physical. I also read Romans 6 this week and elaborated on sin. I wish to go into details, but im getting tired.

I just got to end on one note. I got to fear God, not anything else. Also i need to stop trying to save myself, i got a Savior man. Why try to save yourself when he has done that already. I can never become sinless, but i am still a sinner in a sense that i can sin less. On top of that i learned that in Song of Songs, Solomon even say his wife as unique. He reminded her that even people view her differently, that her being the only girl of the family she is unique. Out of all the girls, she is the difference that draws me near to her. Maybe she can be someone, but certainly my heart knows that, but satan is attacking from all angles to make me lose my way. God is my God. He knew that i would need him in this moment. Also Lord help me to put to death whatever is of my earthly nature. Thanks Abba.

Job 9

First off i want to say, i am praying for this world. It is crazy what i happening and how much the world is in its birthing pains. Christ will come and know one knows, but sure looks like the world is on the brink of its end. The world is being populated so quick, food is shortening, water is becoming hard to keep clean and in abundance, disease is on its move, the earth quakes in its every moving slumber, the storms that arise are huge, the earth is alive. God's creation is alive, yet what happen to his Love is in it all. God is good, yet the earth has been cursed since the fall of man. God has wiped the earth of sin once before and can do it again. He is the same as yesterday, today and forever. God despises sin, yet his heart is aching for what is happening. He sees his creations seeking perfection, yet it is no where to be found. Only in him can, we see the true love that we are called to be. Sucks to see things happen, and sucks to hear people mock God, yet we are totally missing the point of why all this happens. Our generation is one that is so self-centered and self-seeking. How can we understand reason if it can only be applied to the self. Emotions toy with our inner selves and that is why God gave us the mind of reason, to protect our hearts. Look at this event and many others. Use your mind and heart together to see God and not yourself or things.

Job speaks clearly of how can we judge the judger. Why makes us so special to stand before him with confidence? Is it not the fact that by the words of our fathers that God is to be feared? Can we stand in a pure presence of him? Not even the angels can view him. They cover there faces and there feet. Woe to me that i think i can stand in front of him. If my problems are so huge and think God needs to come to rescue because he has to, then i got it wrong. Job mentions even if i am innocent or pure, my sin is in me. I am guilty. He placed the star, be moves the mountains, and performs wonders that our little minds cannot reason. He snatches and takes away. Who can say, why do you do that?

Although Job was God's prized position, Job spoke of despising his own life. Verse 21-22 "Although i am blameless, i have no concern for myself; i despise my own life. It is all the same; that is why i say, 'he destroys both the blameless and the wicked.'" This is deep and so low for Job. Basically he thinks of God not caring, yet does show that is power is that wide. Job is lost. He struggles to stay clean, stay sane, to be a man of God. He knows that he cannot comfort God as he was man, but just be left as the dust in the ground.

Job is not an easy book to read and is full of wisdom, but man, rereading this from my past, i see a lot that i missed and forgot, and just things i need to work on. I pray for my uncle freddy. I do not fear, but believe. You will shine in the moment of darkness and sin. Make yourself true. Then glad that you have given me this heart father. Christ i hope i make the right moves, im looking to you and do not want to miss out on the blessings. I...i need you in this moment as well in every other. Thank you Abba.

Solitude Struggle

To be positioned is a difficult action to accomplish. Along side being positioned, the more difficult for action for me is to no sounds. I feel like I have this necessity to have Christian music at all times. I do not know if I have closed my ears to God’s voice in me. Whitney mentions, “I believe the convenience of sound has contributed to the spiritual shallowness of contemporary western Christianity” (187). I am not sure if I have become like this description.

Sunday morning I attended my friend’s church and the pastor mentioned about how we hear God in the mist of pure solitude. I felt conviction and left to the beach. I turned of my radio and started to be quiet and just think about God, but I fell into so many thoughts. Upon arriving to the beach, I wondered continuously. Jung mentions this level of difficulty by saying, “The awkwardness and discomfort in discovering more about the true self cause some to rush through silence and solitude. Additionally, our minds can be flooded with wandering thoughts” (47). I was really in circles and felt like I could not focus my mind and heart on God.

I walked on the beach, sat down, lay down, but I felt so twitchy in my mind. I could not control the box of thoughts. Although, there was this moment that I was watching a dad take picture of his two year old child wondering the beach. I felt like I was the kid, I would be distracted by everything I saw, touched, heard, tasted and smelt. Literally, this kid ate sand and smelt it. I felt like I was the kid. He would explore and when he felt excited, he would run and fall while the dad would support him up. Although, the kid would cry, wanting no support to get back on his two feet.

I had no bible, no music, but I guess the view of the world. I was trying to focus on God, I do not truly understand it, but I guess I was more likely reflecting while viewing the father and son. In these short fifteen minutes, I felt captivated. After a while, I lay down and looked to the clouds while hearing the waves, but I could not stop think

I do not know what I truly got out of this time. The fact that I was convicted of how I was acting like the child towards the surrounding and pushing God away made me feel something I cannot understand. I know I need more time of solitude, but it is difficult. Even nature brings sounds. I just know God’s image is in people and by watching the father and son; I might have grown to see God’s love towards me no matter how much I wrestle with him.

Job 2

Man, i have caught myself in a situation again. I feel so vulnerable, yet there is this longing for hope. As i read Job i am remembering my sufferings and where i once stood in the presence of You. Once again will i fall into You love. I am seeking in this world again huh? Do i long to seek happiness and not Your will. I do not know what to ask, because i feel so filthy, i have no reason to be before you father. I have been like a child trying to walk on my own and when you really want to hold me and take me up, i cry and even try to struggle on my own even if it mean crawling.

Father i am nothing like Job, for i do sin. I cannot be blameless in your Glory. Christ i ask for forgiveness. I ask for love. I have become so self-centered, looking for what others are getting. As a young man, i ask for the fathers guidance, because i been on this journey with only you. My story is with you writing it. I do not know if i am tested or going through such a trail, but please Jesus, know my heart and seek what is best. I cannot live without you even though i sin. You are all that i know. Nothing satisfies except your grace. Come like the wind. Help me to know the supernatural and know your love that is beyond comprehension. I long for You. Help me in school. Help me. I do not know what i am doing. I try to seek you, above all else, but am i doing something wrong. Christ see my hearts desires and clean them because in the mist of everything else you are there, you was, is and will be forever there. Please hear my cries and pains. I love you and i am thankful for the trials, because you made a way. It hurts, but Father have me see with my spirit. These senses distort what is of you. Calm my heart and quiet my soul for your burden is soft and light. Love you abba. Sorry for try to like her above you, cant help it. Guide me. Love you Savior. Love you.

Colossians 3:1-4

So today and this week i have been trying to meditate chapter 3 in Colossians. I actually have to remember verses 1-17 for my midterm and final. So this might be fun or a burden, but i believe that this is an awesome opportunity to actually learn the word more. I will say it is hard to meditate on one passage due to multiple readings, but i am actually learning more. Before coming to Biola i was actually reading Colossians for the first time, but i never held it in, so i think this is the opportunity to break it down and digest it to build my inner flame that Christ holds.

So as i read the first verse it says in the NIV verson, " Since, then, you have be raise with Christ, set your heart on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God". Paul writes directly confirms that we as Christians have the grace of being raise with Christ. Its as if Paul is saying, dude you have been raise, listen. I am not sure of the Greek word of translation, bu the word "since" has this implication of hey listen. Listen to the words of the letters, for they are testimonies of truth and grace. He continues to elaborate that our hearts must be on things above. Surly this is important for our walk. Our hearts are the core of whom we are. The heart is the identity. Where we lay our hearts is where we lay ourselves. Surly our love is meant to be in the hand of God.

In verse 2 it writes in a quick direct manner after verse one, "Set your minds on the things above, not on earthly things." Once again i am not sure of the context in Greek, but surly this verse is meant to be broken down solo. Paul might have insisted that our minds too are vulnerable. I mean the means of learning the Bible and who God, Christ, and Holy Spirit starts from the mind then to the heart and to our hands and works. God intended for creation to reason. For reason and faith are a God give trait that we have since we are in the image of God. Reason and faith need this 50/50 balance. In this our minds too need to set on the things above for it trickles down to our hearts where all can be corrupted. Paul writes in Philippians 1:9-11 " ⁹ And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, ¹⁰ so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, ¹¹ filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God." Surly we have this connection between mind and heart.

In verse 3 Paul continues, " For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Here we are taken apart and reminded that we are not bones, but made alive with Christ in God. We have always been dead. Since sin we have been dead. It is through Grace that God has intended even from the first instance of the Fall, that we are alive. This ultimate Grace through Christ is all we need. For Paul rights this double secureness, "

With Christ in God" Since we are with Christ surly we will be in the right hand of God as well. We are meant to worship God and it is beyond comprehension that we have worship for eternity. Yet, through Christ and being with in and having him feel our temptations and death, we are welcome to the place we are not worthy to enter. Maybe we can be in right hand of God with Christ, but it doesnt matter, for once we are with Christ we will be in the presence of God forever.

Verse for 4 finishes the paragraph of thought by saying, "When Christ, who is your life, appears, the you too will appear with him in glory." There is this concept that by grace we come to glory. This glory of glorifying God as our creator. Christ is our life and we will appear. There is no doubt in this sentence, but full faith. Surly we will come with Christ by his ultimate grace and be in the mist of the glory.

Paul knows that by living with our heart and mind on the things of heaven and on Christ can we appear to God in glory and glorify him in his holy presence.

To Know Your Will

Lately i have been thinking about how much i need to look forward in life. I mean yes i am in this great walk of enjoying what God has given me, but do i truly see how much he loves me. Do i understand that he loves me so much that he wants to be all within me. I mean yea it is easy to get caught up in the Christian life and go to concerts, seminars, lectures, and many other things, but not view yourself in the field where he wants you to sow.

Yesterday i was reflecting upon a writing in one of my books. I had no idea what to think about for the questions were confronting me. Imagine saying to God "here i am" this just powerful. There is a song by Desperation Band called "I Will Go" and it talks about Isaiah's experience being in front of the Lord. I always heard this song, yet did not reflect upon it. I was reminded about my calling. I so self-centered right now, where i am forgetting where i am suppose to go in life. I need to remember that this is one of my big prayer topics that i once had. If i want to tell the world about God, i got to know my field. I got to have a battle cry.

I have no idea where i am suppose to go. Yes i do say medical field, but now that i am experiencing more of God's love, i am seeing more and experiencing more than before. There is this passion and confidence, yet where will i go? First off, will i give up my life. To trust God is to have faith in all his sovereignty and control over creation and this reality we live in. I mean he has given me the eyes to see, but will i honestly take hold of his heart. I have this guilt as i start to ponder more upon this subject. I am unclean and feel like Isaiah many times in my walk. Isaiah 6 is just powerful for the angels cleaned him with the coals of the alter. Fire either consumes or cleans. Well will i let my dry bones be consumed by the fires of this world, or cleansed by God's love.

If i had a feeling that i would die soon, i would ask God for one more day or two. I would ask him, hey can i spend more time with my family, with friends, can i go to Europe, can i skydive. I mean i would ask for my own personal wants. Does this makes sense in which i am wanting Christ's will? I as well as other Christian are forgetting what it means to say "here am i". That we will honestly forfeit all that is ours. Will i spend my life giving up? Ministry is a big part of me right now and am involved with some. Although, am i there for my own will or Gods?

This is my prayer topic. I want to be cleansed. I want to able to hear God's calling once again. I want to be able to let go. I want to say "here i am, send me". I am so overwhelmed by his grace, that i have to remind myself, that it is not meant to be kept, but shared. Everyday i am ruined for i am full of sin. I mean i deserve hell. God does not need us, but we need him. Since the beginning of time we needed him. Yet will i say my life is all for Christ. Will i take that step and drop everything i am seeking and realize he is God.