When the Darkness Reigns

Lord you say that you will make us fisher's of men. You say that the righteous will have a place in your Kingdom. That if you sow mercy, mercy will be given to you. You say you are blessed when you have nothing. I believe you Lord. I truly do. I believe that you make the blind see and those in darkness come to light. This world is full of it and it is so easy to think we can figure our way through this journey called life. I have yet to truly understand you, but i know one thing, that your my only savior who will be there always. Lord i am so glad that you are touching Paul's heart. We may not have much in life, but man how much your love is unmeasurable to our standards. I know so many friends that worry about the future and seek to live lives thinking they have control. Lord you can give and take away. It is simple for you. But for many and even myself we think it is not scary. Lord the darkness is growing ever more strong, but be the light of this world. Christ remind me and everyone in your Church what it means to be the light of the world. What it means to be the salt. To shake the salt off like the messaged talked about at Hillsong Conference. Lord at first my thoughts about Kevin bugged me, but Lord just protect him, there is meaning behind this and your in the works of this. I do not want to judge him or you. The situation is what it is, like Paul said today about losing his wallet and then his mom finding it on his Bible after letting his worries go and relying on you. Lord i pray that you do the same. That in that your light will overflow from my cup and pour onto others. I pray for everyone at church and my friends for being able to look to you instead of looking to self. It is so easy to think you will be happy with your own efforts, but you do not give us trials to think we can be strong on ourselves, but to finally be humble and fall to our knees being reminded who you are and all you want is for us to love you with a true relationship. No other thing of this world will fill us Lord. Lord you know my prayers, you know my desires and you know my thoughts. Many times i am clouded with endless thoughts, with anxiety, with anger, and so many things. But Christ hear my cry. Turn your ear to my prayer and thoughts. Let me not miss your blessings, but be apart of your plan. It is so easy to think i can do it all without you. But man how much i need you. But i cant get away from your love. I always run back into you. Even though i feel like i cant hear you directly, but i see your works. Lord once again i pray that in my life you will be to just say "hey i know you feel like this at church, but soon you will be so blessed being here". Lord like today i was so glad to see Sunyoung like the way i did. Felt so good to just talk to her normally. Idk but i have been so dumb in how i act. I feel like i was a child once again and during this past year felt like i was not me. I was so unhappy with my self and Satan felt like he was winning, but you knew what to do. But Lord i ask that you cleanse me from the inside out and from that hopefully you can give me one more chance to make things right with the person i enjoy seeing. Lord it will just be awesome to walk with you saying wow, how beautiful is she and how you created her just for your glory. Self i know and daydreaming it may seem, but i dont know why but even though i went through a lot, i still think of her as if she is beyond every girl in this world. She has her downsides, but she has you and thats the biggest upside that will fix any downside any day. Lord please do guide me in every situation especially when the darkness reigns.

College Gorup Service

Was awesome. Its good to be reminded who we are. I wish church was an everyday thing, but then again i would probably grow on church and not Christ. I would not be able to grow. I wont not be able to struggle. I would not be able to share. Lord i need you. My shame is clouding everything and has become a part of me. I need you to come in. If it takes years. Let it be. But let this become something more for your glory. Faith with out works is dead. Lord Jesus. Come down. Be my strength. I truly need you. I pray for Molly as well that she would be strengthened. Also for everyone st SWCC. Like i said i do not know what i am doing, but let this time of uncertainty be for your glory and that i only look to you. Lord this sin that has been part of my life needs to finish Lord. O come so swiftly. Let it be where i do not lose you. If i fall i will get angry, sad, depressed, everything. But take it, i do not want to let it be a part of me or give to others. Only you can cure it. Lord. Jesus you say to call out to you. Lord take it away. Like my blogs title, My Passion In Life is to Know You. Like Proverbs 16:6 i will hold it on. "Through love and faithfulness sin is atoned for; through the fear of the LORD a man avoids evil." Lord i also want you to come in my life where i hurt the most. It is all connected together. Take it as one. Please heal it all. They both or what ever else i do not know but you know, heal it. Thanks Lord Jesus. For being my friend. My father. My savior. My everything. I do act stupid and leave you a lot. Sorry. Sorry. Im deeply sorry. Forgive me. I guess that my first step forgive me. =/

Like the Storms that Swiftly Come and Go

It is easy to find yourself at a daze when crazy weather is around. Its not the norm. Yet so dangerous we venture in it like we are some what attracted to it. We are amazed of how nature can be so calm yet change in a second to a huge storm. Lord i feel like that. With these storms rolling by everyday it seems to mimic my life symbolically. I see the light yet the next storm is rolling straight in. Every storm seems to be strong, but some how i become attracted to things that are not the norm or are something that has always called me to stair and look in amazement forgetting that i am in harms way. Its like that in my life. Today i feel like i see the break, but tomorrow can become the next storm, not knowing the intensity. Like every storm there will always be a similar storm in due time. Do i learn from them? Not sure. Seems like i forget things so quickly. I can remember knowledgeable matters, but when it comes to faith i forget easily. I think we all do. Lord i need you. I do not know what i do. Its scary, become i feel like i am sheltering myself with you as my shield in the storm, but is it you? Or is it me? Then i feel like i am running from the storm. I am blinded by the fierce winds and rain, looking for shelter, warmth, rest, but i stick out my arms hoping its you. When i do grab that first object is it you once again? I feel like i forgot how to hear you. I can read you word, yet feels like when i wake in the morning i am blinded in my storms. I know your there, but what if i grab the wrong things, think with the wrong mindset, try to force myself through the storm with my efforts. I am just walking right now. Not knowing what to do, feel, see, or hear. Right now i do not know what to think of church. Especially that. I grew there, i feel like i have a family there. But what is this constant attack from my heart and others saying its time to move on or life will get even tougher. Its true when i was a teenage it made sense to go there. But know as i grow into my adulthood, it has a big importance. I mean everyone is mostly korean. See how do i know if i will marry a korean women? If not how does my wife deal with this fact? Will she face it with awkwardness, loneliness, and so forth. I mean now i am feeling it. Its tough to not think these things, but its something that always bothers me. I mean why cant i just find a church that speaks english and is multicultural. People think i only hangout with korean people, but its not entirely true. I really thought it would not be tough to be making my church a part of my life for a long time, but it looks tough. I mean i cant even bring my own mom and family without think twice about the many reasons. Its going to be hard if i do transition. Because they all i got as family, but i do have some deep and small scars from everyone. But its normal. Yet they get me when i think of such things. Jesus you say to call upon you and you will come. Lord Jesus Christ come. Come swiftly. I do not know what i need truly. But come. These next weeks, Lord come. I truly need it. Need it to cover my sins, scars, doubts, and emotions that cloud my judgement so much. I do hope everyone is ok. It feels like i havent seen them in a while, but i miss them already. Just the thoughts haunts me. Same time i feel like i am running for her. But i am not. I just do not know why. I guess i did fall for her, but not for her truly being her. But just the fact that she asked me to Prom. It was my dream come true, but with the wrong intentions. I wanted to ask her the year before but i was afraid. I wanted to do the same thing while i was still in high school, but like always i make mistakes and just do not know how to deal with those situations. Its not my ball park. To many other guys maybe its easy. But yea i wish i had done things different and would have had the guts to do something smartly before even her asking me to Prom. I guess i truly do not know her for who she is. I may know her at church, but when we exit the walls of the church, we are different people. Like wise for everyone. Thats why i think we get hurt so easily. We think we are the same in and out side the walls, but we are not. I think thats why i feel like this in a sense. Then just many things that a lonely hispanic guy faces at church. I know how Molly and Daniel feel now. I know why we can not become multi-ethnic and other church can. We become somewhat two-face and forget that it is not a social place at church like the lunch tables at lunch in high school, but a home for everyone. No matter how much Pastor and JDSN think it can be done, at this rate it not working. Makes me want to step away in anger and selflessness. But i will only hurt those i care for. Would i dare to do that? Or do i deal with the pain, be silent and hurt myself for ever with storm after storm? It wont end if i stay, thats for sure. If not at church, family, if not family, friends, if not friends, myself.

Going to do Something Stupid

Lord, tomorrow i am going to do something stupid, but im looking to all possible ways for you to answer me. I have yet to have my faith work for your glory. I have lost all train of thoughts that i had last week. I realize that what my problems were last year are still with me. Will always be apart of me. Lord i will not attend church the first service and will probably not go to the second. I am not running from my problems, but searching in new areas for you answer. I do not know where to find you. I can not keep your word tight with me. I guess that why i focus so much on specific verses because i am afraid of you not answering. You know what hurts me at the most and what leads to me hurting for stupid things. It doesnt feel the same. Nothing does and i feel like i am forcing these things down, when i need to face them. Or just walk through the valley. Do i want to follow the valley i was once in, no! But i will have to go through another valley no matter what, can not keep hiding and running away. It will most certainly make things weird for a while for myself and everyone else i so dearly care for. But there is a point when growing up that i have to walk alone. As it is i walk alone. First i mean alone in physical form. I know i have you, but for me its though to always go to you. Second i do have physical form help, but not always. My family is just broken to the max and is just not worth talking about, because its just what it is. Church i have, but like my family tells me and other friends, your hispanic and they are korean. Will you be there your whole life? Will you cloud yourself from the world? As it is i kinda of did that. A lot of things i use to do just do not feel the same. Even at church. Church will never be perfect i know. But for me, its a different story. I will be living a lie to myself if i choose to think i can live a korean lifestyle. I would be dreaming if i think i can fit forever in this church and marry some korean person that would be apart of the church. But in the end im that hispanic guy. The one that does not understand the messages at times. Will listen to people speak in korean and expect to understand the full meaning. When i was younger kool, it did not mean much importance. But i am older it does. This is my future of where i lead my foundation. Where i will build my life around. I remember growing up, never finding the right place to fit in. I would make friends with skaters, blacks, white bro kids, cholos, koreans, and over all asians. I never had a special talent. I just tried to fit myself in. I never knew how to skate, ride a bike, i lived in an apartment, moved a lot when younger, was a geek at home and in class, but outside try to be hard and defiantly but myself in bad situations. But in the end was the person that came home to hardships and locked myself in my room playing games, hoping to be someone. Never full came true and i was always a loser in many people eyes. It was my thought that i can do it too, but i could never do it. No wonder why i had trouble with girls, i just was too plain and emotional. Never did things right. Till today i never do. I may feel happy and strong at times, but it always comes back to these thoughts and i know for sure i am doing something wrong in your eyes. I cant even hear or see you like other experience, but i only got your word. From that it is tough to hold. Honestly. It is tough. So tomorrow, let this be something new and just get slapped in the face with a rough road or smooth road.

Just got slaped in the face.

All my complaining i did last night. Normal. But i told myself that why is it that my faith gets rocky when its up. So Gospel says "So you see, faith by itself isn't enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless" James 2:17. Lord forgive me. Inside i feel unworthy. But i am your child and you say to always run back. Please accept my plea for forgiveness and actually build my faith up to produce your works. O how i need your grace...

What a long and dreadful day...

Lord. Jesus. Why is it like this? Do i fool myself with your words? Do i still connect your words like a formula? Do i try to have you fulfill my desires with authority? I am lost, in thought. Seriously, im in a chapter of the book and Donald mentions how you spoke to him, for he knew that from that day forward life would not be the same. In a sense i feel jealous. I take that back i do feel jealous. I feel envy. Lord, it is a struggle like she said to fight yourself, or you can say the personality that i lost. I thought tonight as i sat down with the other guys, why is it that we change so quickly and people hate it. Or ignore you, because you act differently or your personality is different. Then i thought about how my past before i truly accepted you is cloudy. I can not remember events. I can not remember how i was with friends. How i was when i first arrived to the church. How i was with my family and how more importantly how i was with sunyoung. Why is it that i always come to her, why cant it be someone else? As i sat in the room with her and aaron, i seriously wanted to kill myself. I couldn't bare it. I couldn't understand why i was invisible. I am letting go of her, i am pushing her away, forcefully in my heart, but i find jealously and envy in the end. I guess i try dont know her like i thought i did. I guess like many of us at church we just become a second person. Including me. I dont know what, but i know i do too. But i felt so much pain lord. Like i have become so enclosed from society itself. Im just that kid that goes to church, school, and just does the same thing every day. What happen to the old me? I dont even know who i was. Its sad. Because...i dont know myself anymore. Do i try to hard to hide myself. Did i change into a person for the good of your works or did i just become the outcome of a forceful believer in you? Like man when i use to hang out with Chris, Shanty, Grecia, and Garrett. What the FUCK have i become? Then always seeing my friends. Mike, Derek, Karl. Shit i know i have you right? But is this what i am suppose to be like. The solo guy? The guy that goes to korean church? I guess i can not have both lifestyles. But i seriously lost a lot of me. I have become the shy, quiet, non social guy now. But is it worth it? Can i not have both? Why cant you answer me truly? Like what i am suppose to do with this part of my life? Even my own family is like what is up man? Jesus, it goes well until things like this happen. Its a never ending cycle. I bet Andy feels the same with his friends. So out casted. So like what happen? Thinking where did he go wrong? Thinking why it became like this? Wondering what happen to the great times together? I just dont know what to say, but that how much i really pray that you would hear my cry. Because to me it feels silent. Feels like you say what i needed, but it is hard to just keep the words. My faith has been so badly damaged by this struggle. That i guess i just have daily faith. Where i believe in you when i have a good day, but when its bad, its horribly bad. I dont know what to say. Today is finished. Tomorrow is a new i guess.

The Struggle...

Lifeboat: Is Life Like This?

So today i am on the 8th chapter of "Searching for God Knows What" and it was just interesting how Donald talks about life. How easily we make our life the situation being on a lifeboat with different types of people and to survive who would you let go? Donald explains that when he was in elementry school he answered the lawyer, since many people think of them crooked and money hungry. But, when asked that question today it is easily changed. Is it because we think of each other not equal? Good example Donald points out is that if a alien where to come to earth and see humans, the alien would think that humans may be equal in anatomy and chemistry, but they all judge each other and focus to much on differences that are not even relevant. Such as Adam and Eve, before the fall, they where naked and did not have a mind that focused so much on differences. But after the fall this all changed and thats why God asked them "Who told you, you are naked?" Aliens, Adam, and Eve (before the fall), would look at humans today as aliens. Think why so much judging, ideals, and concepts of life that are not relevant in Gods eyes. Like we are not born knowing what is ugly and beautiful, but we are taught that through society as we grow. Is this not of God? Surely it isn't and is the biggest reason why we need Christ. This is why wars are never ending. This is why we idolize. This is so much of how our lives are run. We feel so lonely and our lives are just basically the search of something this can fill our cup. As we mature we look for family, then friends, then a spouse, then our children, and then anything our hands can grasp, yet everything some how is not enough and never is. That is why Christ is the solution. Not a solution to a formula, but to our lonely relationship problem. Even his words say he will fill our cup and from that everything will overflow on to others.

God i have been searching in so many places in my life to have something fill my cup. It even has become the biggest scar. Being lonely is actually the biggest scar for every human. I mean we need you lord. Honestly i know so many people including myself that search for a feeling to be happy, complete, you can say pure. Just right now i got a call for Paul and Andy to blaze, but you know just be with them lord. I know that feeling of being lonely. Of being lost. I would rather be sober and think of you. Lord, although it is hard to stay strong with my scar on top of me. Even my past. I mean the selfish side of me would like to go. The dark side you so say would say yea dude we do i meet you. But i know it does not feel my cup. Nothing will. Simply put no matter how much i would like to be in a relationship and especially with Sunyoung, would it fill me? Would it fill her? Honestly, Lord, if you where to answer my prayers, would i be the same? Or would i be cocky and think it was on my own strength? Honestly today i would day no, but tomorrow i would not know. Lord, all i know is that i want to breathe you in. I want you to be the breath that speaks to my wife, friends, family, and children. I want you to be my center. Once, again Lord i still think i have become selfish with my emotions with her and have let my past scars determine our friendship and relationship. Every night i wounder why my heart thinks of her so much different than that of other women, but it has to be for a reason. Isn't it your will? Lord i pray that you listen to my prayer and petition. I pray that you would also be by her side for school, family, and he struggles. I know she has so much to bare and by prayer she is not alone, first of all you are their and second let my prayer be with her. Lord, have your way. I know you will make a new. I will wait with thanks, knowing you are making a new in the desert that i am in as well her and everyone else. Spirit of God fall in this place, this church, this heart of mine and just have the passion for your name. Thank you so much Lord. Just keep me strong from temptation. As well the thoughts of thinking that i deserve reward for something that i do not bring to my life. Only you bring such joy, grace, and blessings to my life. Thank you Jesus for being in our shoes. You know how much we long for your arrival.

Make Your Today the Best It Can be!!!!!

Matthew 16:13-20 Sunday Service (Read The Pilgrim's Progress Recommended)
It is so easy to complain in the slow downs in our like such like being in traffic. We see others in the carpool speed by but we waste our time and energy in the situation. It does not change the situation. We blow up so easily. From that it does not change the situation in the traffic, but it does change the out look of you day. If only we used our time for what is pure, righteous, humble, ect. It can bare fruit that is good. From that try to make you today the best and praise Christ with prayer that can give you strength in the future. Do not dwell in the past and daydreaming the future. Make today the best. It is so easily to waste our today because we waste our time on the past and then over thinking the future. God has the plan for our future. By making our today best is First, by confessing that Jesus is the Christ. Such as Peter answered Jesus in Matthew. Peter confessed that Jesus is the Christ, son of the living God. By this we recognize that Jesus is our master, the Christ, the hope, the way of how he can overcome all our petitions, prayers, and thoughts. Confess everything to Christ. Rejoice in today. Be thankful. If your thoughts come to your over and over. Prayer with your heart, ask with petition. Let your cries and desires go to Christ, for he will shape them to be perfect for us in every moment. He will be with you in all circumstances. It is so different to go through hardships when we ignore Christ presence, but when we have him in the center of today we can overcome. The Second is to be guided by the holy spirit. Sometimes we make ourselves think that we are not valuable. Yet Christ, knows how much we are really worth. We have to guide our lives and do not take the words of others and be drown into our thoughts. Such as the prostitute, they do not think there lives are valuable and from that there bodies are so easily given up. But Christ paid the price of his own blood to show how valuable our lives are. Relationships will never mimic the love that God, Christ, and Holy Spirit gives to us. But we can only give so many different types of loves that are none like Christ. We must meditate on Christ. Do not focus of a sign, but just expect him to work. The Third. Today's Word, Prayer, and Evangelism. From that Christ is your center and will guide your day, your words, your thoughts. From that day prayer is key and know that God's answer will come. Wait and have the eye's that Christ would have. While the Israelites where traveling through the desert and in the middle of the traveling the Ark of Covanent was the center of the people and solders. In there was the 10 commandments ( his Word), Staff (his power), Manna (his food).

Formulas or Relationship?

Its funny how i keep reading this book and i am put in my place. I feel so ashamed on how i perceive God's word. It just, now that i think about it, i did not really read the Bible with true meaning. Every time i read the Bible i was looking for verses that reflect a mirror image of me and not Christ. Every time i would not read the Bible knowing that it is God talking to my heart, mind, and soul. I would rather look for the verse that fit me as if it was the solution to a formula. How easy it is to take lightly the word of God. I mean should fear run in me? Not fear of he will take my life and punish me with all his wrath, but the fear how he know who we are. The fear that he made the Universe and can give and take away as he pleases. Yet, we use him to our formulated world. In author of "Searching for God Knows What" made a point. In the time of Christ and after his death poetry linked so much meaning to the heart, mind, and soul of a person. Yet, now these days we read over the poetry that David, Moses, and other writers wrote. It was intended for us to feel God speak to us in heart, mind, and soul. I recently went to networking gathering with friends, but as i was there listening to the person talk, i thought in my mind why is come down to this? Why do people search so hard for solutions in life from others. Plane and simple life is rough. But everyone is not intended to be rich and everyone can not have a easy life. You try to hard to get an easy life, by the time you know it things can fall apart in other parts of life. God does not want us as humans to have an easy life. If so we dont need him. We wouldn't need Christ to die on the cross. Thats why when my friend told me enjoy this economy i knew i would do that. I will let Christ guide me, if that means going into debit for a bit, not getting things i want, well do. I got CHRIST. I got his love, his grace, and his huge family of believers. Some times we get blinded by our past and some how think we can make the next year different on our own. I wont change. Sorry it wont. Until you understand what he wants. Isaiah 43 puts it simple. God even i have that struggle to keep it in. But i thank you for your gentle heart. Lord you know my situation, yet all i can say let it be for your glory and i will do my best to remember my past but not dwell in it. I got some big scars and need them to be healed. Like fully heal like Nicole said. Until the day comes when someone speaks of the subject and it does not bother you, your not healed. I'm glad though that i have come to you in so many ways. I can not let emotions lead my faith. But just the plane simple truth that your the God that made the Universe and gave me name before i was born. Lord just hear my prayer, my petition, my cries for your wisdom, your guidance, and your strength in all my situations. You know what for people it may seem funny that i go to a Korean Church, but in God's eyes we are all the same. I do struggle time to time being their. But look at my faith, look at my walk, look at what Christ has done and hes not even a quarter of the way done. I will have much more struggles, but for what, to just become more closer to him and one with him. I realized my greatest scar now and why it effects my life with friends, family, church, and girls. Its because i come to realize i need love like everyone searches for, but thankfully i am realizing sooner that i need him first. Relationships with family, friends, church, and a significant other will always have difficulty and be torn apart at times, but Christ love. It last forever. Thats a true relationship. His world will withstand the test of time it says in the Bible. And is true. So the fact of the matter his Lord i try so hard to get better at guitar for people to notice me. Why do i want to learn vocals? For people. Why do i tend to jump from friend to friend at times, because he or she never satisfies me. Why do i go on my dads side then my mom side time to time? Same reason. Then when my sisters argue and i choose sides. I do it because the other did something that does not satisfy me. Why is it that i can read the Bible then not read it? Because i do the same thing my heart tells me to do in every situation. Does it satisfy me? Thats where i get clouded. When i do that to your word, i mistake my emotions and throw it on you and turn away from you like everything else on the world. But funny thing is you never turn your back and we can always go to the word and from there you speak your soft words to the heart that are full of truth and are never changing. But this world, its changing, its untruthful, and can turn its back when ever. Lord, not just guide me, but be part of me inwardly and outwardly. Help me turn my situation for your glory. Help me change my heart, mind, and soul. This year help me in every way. I'm becoming more of an adult, but in a sense more of a child asking his father for every second to hold his hand and carry him in time of crisis. Let it be when i read your words, im reading the mirror image of my savior. Thank you so much Lord. Thank you.

Though I May Shake, The Gospel in me Will Never Shake!

Lord, today started off on the wrong start in many ways. Sorry. =/ Its funny how my mind day dreams a lot in a false reality that i create. Last night just blew my mind in so many places and it is so hard to control my thoughts when i try to focus on the wrong things and not you. I wish Lord that this is an opportunity to grow in you. Its hard to understand todays messages in a grasp. Isaiah 43 it was you that said that to think about your past yet forget it. Jesus it hurts me to think in just unrighteous ways that are not pure, noble, right, and just praise worthy. Lord, i will not try in my efforts to change my life every day, but by having a different mind set on you and wanting to spend more time with you, i pray that my circumstances will change for the better. Jesus, my biggest scars in my life are the fact of my past relationships and disappointments with the people that i liked and it never seized to work out. Once again i did the same thing although i was with you. I did something wrong and it is my fault. The times i spent with Mindy, was just physical satisfaction and deep inside i wanted to fall into temptation, yet thanks to your grace you used Sunyoung to back away. That i know it was you. Lord sometimes i doubt your presence because is see people talk about how you some how told them the answer, yet for me it is through situations. Jesus i still pray that this attraction to her grows, but in your name Lord. As well my selfish desires disappear from this body and only focus on the women you welcome into my life. Lord like Isaiah speaks before you answer, i been silent in my plea for i feel disgusted with myself. But Jesus Christ come like a rushing wind and by your grace protect my thoughts and heart from selfish desires and wants. Holy Spirit in me guide me with this situation. I no longer want to live in past troubles that have been played out over and over again like a broken record. Lord i know this situation and turn around in a second because your my God and all our God. Your the savior that protects us in every way. To me this type of burden is my fire and every time i was thinking i was being burned. It still feels like that, but my plea is Lord that my thoughts are pure and well focused on what is right by your Word. Lord i have failed with my situation with her, but if my heart tells me to not let go is it you? I get jealous so quickly now. I never did that before. Lord Jesus, i plea and petition to you. I ask dearly. I do not want to sound forceful or angry, but Lord. Jesus. If anything in my life was to be for your glory, is this not it? Is this not what a man is suppose to see in a women? Their heart, their ways, their burdens, their situations, their lifestyle? Sound like a crush huh? Sound like i can be crazy in the head? But Lord Nicole and Justin made a point, looking for a spouse is really important. Lord thats why i do not want to carry the sins my parents have made, but by not having sex with different women, giving parts of my heart to people, and so on. But by just holding it in for the right person, i will do. I think it is a blessing that i will do that. Only your grace has shown me that. Once again its hard to keep straight in this situation that to many will seem dumb, crazy, and small, but this is my future with someone and your the core that will control it. It is hard as it is being mexican and at korean church. Its hard to even have that type of ethnicity look at me with the same eyes i do. I may not understand your will. But Lord if my heart is like this, i plea in prayer and petition that this year you will working in that part of my life to the fullest. Let not this year repeat, but be new in this desert that has been so dry in my life for many years. Guide me Jesus. Cloth me. Wash me with the Holy Spirit which i will not loose you. Your my creator. Why should i been so sad? Arm in Arm i wish to find the right person Lord with your word being the center. Lord is she not the one?

His Love

Christ, i have yet to understand you. Most certainly i have been a fool to think i am fine. Yet mistakenly i am. Lord, many times i feel most distant from you such as Job felt. Lord i feel like Job, why do you let me continuously fall? Lord, is it the fact these past three years i lived a lie? I was most definitely lying ti myself? Did i let my emotions judge my thoughts upon you? Its hard to say Jesus, but many people speak of how you spoke to them personally, yet i really on your word and the words of others. Is that Faith? Like i told Steven tonight how much freedom i had before i came to Step with Christ Church, remarkably he proved a point; that if Satan wants me to be happy he will let you be if its in his path. For Gods path, he will hurt you continuously and from that you work. Is that your love? To have us go through pain to focus on you? To me its so hard to grasp that concept. Stupidly i been telling myself i do understand it, but honestly its beyond comprehension how that works. Lord, you know me. Why is it that i rely so much on finding my future partner? Is it because i look for love, but in the wrong places and especially in this particular area in my life. I am reading the book "Searching for God Knows what" and what am i looking for Christ. Jesus i am earnestly looking towards you, but with so many mind sets. Such as: I deserve this, how can you do this to me, why my fellow sister in Christ, how can you let this happen to me, why is it that i dream these dreams, and so much. Jesus, it hurts me to think such things of you, yet i cant help to say how much it pisses me off that it had to be her. It pisses me off how much i go to a Korean Church, how much my family goes through the same shit, yet i am here to just be the genuine pig and run in circles hoping that you will come miraculously. Lord this kills me, yet angry control so violently. Lord you say rejoice in times of hardships, how can i when it continues to worsen. Its like if the trash at the dump site is to be at full capacity, yet the drives continue to roll in. I have lost my way in how i use to be around certain people and i wish you can fix that in the rightful way. I do not want to be changed in how i am now, i do not want that, but to have the liveliness i use to to have, but much more with you involved. I feel like im back to Junior and Senior year of high school, going through depression. Lord, i keep reading Philippians 4 and Psalm 55. I try not to be anxious, yet i fight a war in my heart and mind. Lord, i try to not be so blinded in my actions. I try to rely on you. I try to obey you word, yet i missing the picture. You say rejoice, you say do whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable- arent my thoughts enough? My heart? Or is it that the knowledge i know is my enemy, how my emotions what to rational through my days. Again it says that you will guide my heart and minds with your love, but its failing. I only end up killing myself more inside. I feel like my mind is beyond age. Like Young said, i am mature compared to my peers. I guess its true, but what is its gain? What is it Lord. Jesus. Jesus. JESUS. Is my passion for you out of trying to earn you. Sometimes i feel like you didnt choose me, but i am wanting you to choose me. Sorry. Just hear my cry. My prayer, my petition, my words, my thoughts, my heart. I feel so selfish in my prayers right now, but Lord Jesus Christ, redeemer, Alpha, Omega, Love, Peacekeeper, Merciful Jesus, hear my cry. This year i hope. Jesus you are truth right, your hope, your love? LORD LORD LORD. It angers me how much i come to you yet, im stupid. Ill stop. Ill just say you can move mountains. Raise seas. Call the stars by name. My tone is so down. I wanna let go, but i cant. Somethings says to not to. I wish i had wings like a dove to fly. But not away from you, but towards you and knowing that my situations will be alright. Like Donald Miller says in his book, once we comprehend your love in all these problems then we can smile. Yet in all my problems, i have yet to smile. Hopefully things will work out in such a way it teaches me to be joyful in situations of pain and same time you can restore or even strengthen the relationship i so direly long for. Thats your love. This time with you. Yet i feel so stupid and ashamed. Lastly, still deep inside i can not see the light of this problem. Thats the most painful part, how much i doubt you.