The Desert

As i write this, i am not sure what is of its purpose, but hopefully it comes to me.

After accepting Christ, my life was forever changed. I do not remember the night clearly, but i bet i was truly in the state of being thirsty and hungry for truth. I know that my heart was wanting to see and walk so quickly. So He heard. He knew that for my true self to be born, i must enter the desert. I did not think about it like this during the time, but just realized this a couple months back. I mean to me i think my desert was four years long and consisted so much content. I would not even know where to start. Maybe the fact of being broken hearted from a girl, that i grew close too.

The most crazy part was my identity. I had no idea who i was. I grew up wanting to be noticed, but i was an average geeky kid. I tried to be apart of different groups of people and tried to do things i was never good at. Only thing i was good at was Halo 2. My identity was truly there. Sad to say but from 5pm-1am i was playing with my Halo friends. We all knew each other and would play every night talking about life, making videos, looking for glitches, and just being that nerd. For a good two years i had my Halo life. I look back and it was fun, but that was not me. So i tried to be the same in school, but failed. Senior year i was hit with depression and fell hard. I mean i would even cry at school and would not dare to go home for it had my Halo life there, but my family itself was shit. I would close my door and just play for hours to run away from the problems down the hall. I was lost in my frustration at home and at school i had nothing but church.

Even in church i was not truly home. Being apart of a Korean church, i had so much pain. I was still in the mist of a desert. I was not realizing my identity. I am not korean thats a fact. Same goes for Moses. He was a Hebrew, yet was living in the mist of Egyptians to grow into the man he was born to be. Looking back now i see it. I saw how Christ was in the mist of every situation and feeding me the fruits that i needed to be whom i have become today. I have this driving passion. This steadfast goal to let the whole world know of Christ and less of me. Its still a struggle to not be caught up in the voices of the world, but i realize why i Love worship so much. We where called to worship God such as the angels. Its that drive in ourselves to worship. Worship is a daily thing.

So many times i tried.

I am a growing tree.

I have always been strong.

I am ashamed.

I am tired of running.

I am ready to breathe You in.

Im going.

Cover me.

I try so hard to not walk alway when things dont go my way.

I cant make this happen.

Cant let fear control me.

Got to hang on to You.

I got to think of all the times You were near.

You were near every single time.

Especially in my secret place.

I will miss the secret place.

Yet i will come and visit looking at the city remembering that You have forgiven

That You have saved.

Today was awesome. Biola has an atmosphere that is just great to be at. Being able to have prayer before class, meals, and have times of fellowship is just awesome. Everyone is great and just having a dorm to live in is cool. Im just full of alacrity. Cant wait to to fix up dorm. But i do not know the storms to come. So i must stay focus. I must keep my eyes on the prize. I must see Christ and not me in all situations. Lord i ask for many Proverbs. I ask to hear my Psalms. I hope to keep You Love Above All Else.