"Do not lay a hand on the boy", hey said. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." -Genesis 22:12
Jesus it has been so hard to focus on you. It has been so difficult to lay down everything that is not love. Abraham's love for God is seen in this chapter. It is so clear that Abraham loved his son too. This reflection is so much more than what I can imagine. It shows the Father's love for You, and for us.
Do I understand that love? Nope. Will I ever comprehend it? Nope. I could answer out of knowledge that I can understand or comprehend that love by getting to know you, but how can I Jesus. How can I get to know you, without falling into my own works? I look at the Bible and I see this constant communication, but yet in my own relationship with you, it feels so worked upon. I thought that you are the one to sustain us. Am I wrong? I will be honest too, I look for physical answers, but that is not the full truth of who you are. I would want to remind people to not to look for physical answers, but have faith in the things unseen.
I have been caught up in the emotional movement that Christians are working so hard to have with you. They, I, are longing to be with you and feel you near, but in actuality it is driving us far from you because it is based on our own works. Can I be wrong? I am not saying to be emotionless, but we cannot seek to have physical answers and then see that as our foundation for believing. If that was true the disciples would have believed from the beginning. They would have believed when you rose from the dead and where before them, in the flesh.
Lord we are in a time that the culture I live in is separating me from you. I dislike it and I can feel it. I feel as if my bones are dying slowly. My joy is being zapped from me. My first love is being lost in a cloud of confusion and deceit. My first love is being lost in the being fear of the world. Jesus is this what I imagined that my walk would be like? I have forgotten how to stay in love. I was so desperate for you in the beginning, but the world just comes and confuses me. I will be honest, I have over done your grace and have become fearless. I fear the world more than anything. I fear how I will make a living. I fear how I will be able to work, make money to put food on the table, and go about your calling in the midst of this bloodsucking world.
Abraham feared the Father. Christ, I am asking for you to be my reminder. I am asking you to be my lover. I am asking you to be my judge. I am asking you to be gentle with me. I have forgotten something. I can say I know, but I will truly not know or understand.
What is it Lord that our fallen state makes us feel a million miles a way? What makes us hide? What causes us to go and fear everything but you? Jesus we need you to be our Savior once again. We need you to be our Brother, Lover, King, Prophet, Hope, and so on.
I ask Lord that your grace catches me before I look back. Save me from falling the footsteps of Lot's family. I need you to steal me away and fall in love. The culture is big, but I have forgotten who is bigger and actually creates and sets the show. May my classes this semester not draw me away from you. May my classes this semester not draw out a false love. One that is based on envy, lust, pride, knowledge, speed, boasting, rudeness, anger, wrongs, and above all self-seeking. The fear of the world draws us into all this. Save us Christ. Jesus may my eyes open like Elisha had his servant eyes open.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The Jordan River
Surely, I have view much wrongly. I have sought out the gifts of God, rather than God himself. What do I hold dear to my heart? Greed? Lust? Personal gain? Self-righteousness? Our sinful nature longs to become the center of our hearts and souls. The year 2012 was full of blessings, yet heart changing experiences. I went all over the place and found myself torn into many pieces. I am still torn into pieces, that I cannot make out what is wrong. Well, to be honest it is not one thing, but I know the one thing that is separating me from my first love. Lack of acknowledgement!
Salvation has swept me away and now I either go with the flow or fight it, experiencing many difficulties. I did face many difficulties in 2012. First it was determining what ministry setting I was being called to. Then the lost of my closest mentors, which lead me to hate church and become divided. Then allowing my heart to seek after someone, when many things were not just right. Then I had to face the family situations at home. I had to move out and try to find a place to live. I would eventually come back, but in a weird way. I would have to depend on God to provide a job. I would have to choose honesty and integrity before lying and deceitfulness. I would fall into sin multiple times. I would try to be my own God and try to receive the glory and recognition that I so long for. How dirty I am.
Then other times I will flow with current and enjoy school. I would enjoy my summer job and find God in the midst of looking for opportunities. I would enjoy my times with my youth pastor and grow within my internship. I would experience many miracles, from night prayers, to thanksgiving, to God being in the midst of my car accident. I would say that I enjoyed my devotional times and learned so much about being a dirty sinner. I would see the grace that called me to repentance and glorifying my LORD. I would find myself longing for prayer and the Word. I would want to go share the Word of God with people and express this great work in me.
The good and the bad happened in 2012; yet as the year ended, I started to become funny. I started to see things differently. For the first time I was feeling the call to stand behind the scenes. I felt the need to see whether I should finally move forward. Now that I feel comfortable, something is lurking. Satan is trying his best to confuse me and cloud me. I now find it funny to be in prayer and just have a shallow level of communication. I find it so hard to cry about my troubles and other peoples troubles. I want to be noticed, but at the same times left alone. I guess 2012 was full of stuff that I am forgetting who was in charge of 2012 and my life.
I know that this first part of 2013, God is calling me to step out into faith and understand his love. I am reading Ephesians and a book called "From Here to Eternity". I do not understand the whole purpose of the church. I do not understand my calling. I am fighting the toughest part of the relationship, understanding and giving it back to God. God deserves his glory back. I know that before I step out in faith, I must understand God's heart for me and his church. The whole picture is more than I think and what I can understand with my heart, to the point of receiving graceful change. I want change, but I believe that I am working for it. I will lose my way, I know it. I cannot make the Word of God impact my life by saying "WOW!" or "UMM, I understand!!" It must show through my life. It must impact my heart to the point that I cannot help but live it out and experience it.
I do not understand the rebuilding of the temple or know much about it, but I am sure that the prophets that talk about that time of history have a lot to share about God's people trying and God's people walking humbly. God did not need the temple, but why do we as people try to make things happen for God? He can do it! Sigh, I can not even follow that.
This year's first messages were on Joshua 1 and 3. I have always been a person to lean upon people. When my mentors left the church, I felt defeated, lost, and alone. When I went to Biola, I felt alone, lost and restless. When I had to make decisions, I always went to people. I find myself seeking people even if they do not know me much. I long for the love and compassion of another person. This is one of my main scars and is one from the very beginning of the world. I held on to people's words, rather than God's. I even sought out the healing rooms at Water of Life. I would say they were awesome and encouraging, but now I am passed that and realize that I need God alone. I need my own quiet time and devotional time. I am tired of leaning on people. I only get hurt and so do others. When God provides me the right person, she will be the one I can lean on at times, but God should be her and my support.
I should not let go of God's Word, it must be in my thoughts, my mouth and life. What should be most important to my life, the covenant he made with me. Hebrews 11 talks is a great reminder that God was with everyone since the beginning of time. It is a great reminder in chapter 12 that the actions of God or the situation determine my identity or God's. Going forward or backward, there is a simple, unchangeable truth in God's Words. When Joshua was called to take the place of Moses, God told him three times, "be strong and courageous". Joshua had to deal with his relationship with God and then the relationship with the people and God. He had to lead a people who sinned so much in the desert, who were captive in Egypt, and sought out God physically. He had to bring these people into a new land that had 31 kings and 7 tribes of people. He had to establish rules, he had to face sin, and he had to face the reality of the whole picture. Did I mention that he was alone. Maybe Caleb, but he was alone for the most part.
Joshua continuously sought after God's Word and sought out to experience God. Do not God's people thirst for Jesus? The people before had a hope and now we have this hope, that is being able to see and be with Jesus. Do I really want to know Jesus more?? Of course, but man I am loosing it. I know it. I will mention it in my prayer coming up, but I really do not understand the great mystery. That is why I need to hold on to the power of prayer. Joesph prayed, Moses prayed, Joshua prayed, many other prayed, will I?
What do I know deep down that God is promising me? Should I go for it? Should I seek JESUS, while I am holding on to the promises? If God is asking me to see, will I see what he sees? I need to be bold before God.
Looking at Joshua 3, I realize how much is said after we have faith and have opportunities to learning more about who our God is. Now that I see that my Ark is Jesus Christ, I thus need to look upon him to know where the heck I am going. I must learn to accept his rest for me and his calling to go forward. I must experience God's power of salvation in the midst of the reality that seems to be bigger than God, but is not. I must continuous follow and go and stand in the river. This reminds me a lot of the great commission and great commandment. In God's timing we must see it, we must pray to understand it, but over all understand Him.
What is my Jordan river? My whole life will be full of them.
Lord, I come to you in prayer. I ask you to save me and remind me of who you are. Cloud me and keep me a flame. I ask you to let your Spirit, live in me and do what you see best. I can ask for many things, but just like Paul prayed for the church of Ephesus to know Jesus Christ before I come before Him. I ask Holy Spirit, you being my Comforter and Counselor and God, tell me everything that I may love Jesus that way he loves me. I am a sinner, but because Jesus blots out my sins, I will believe it, but help me be the bride he has called me to be. My eyes long for my Savior's face, but darkness creeps in. Let my eyes see Light and my body be of Light. My heart cries out upon reflecting on your own Word's. I want to know you more. I surrender, but that hope must do much more, it must draw me to Jesus. I guess my prayers have changed from having hope to be sanctified to be closer to Jesus and know Him before I know Him. Being in Christ, I surrender. Lord may I find you first. Holy Spirit may you be evermore present in my life. May I see you more and more. Father may you grant that mercy and hope.
Love you God. I truly do not understand this great mystery of love.
Salvation has swept me away and now I either go with the flow or fight it, experiencing many difficulties. I did face many difficulties in 2012. First it was determining what ministry setting I was being called to. Then the lost of my closest mentors, which lead me to hate church and become divided. Then allowing my heart to seek after someone, when many things were not just right. Then I had to face the family situations at home. I had to move out and try to find a place to live. I would eventually come back, but in a weird way. I would have to depend on God to provide a job. I would have to choose honesty and integrity before lying and deceitfulness. I would fall into sin multiple times. I would try to be my own God and try to receive the glory and recognition that I so long for. How dirty I am.
Then other times I will flow with current and enjoy school. I would enjoy my summer job and find God in the midst of looking for opportunities. I would enjoy my times with my youth pastor and grow within my internship. I would experience many miracles, from night prayers, to thanksgiving, to God being in the midst of my car accident. I would say that I enjoyed my devotional times and learned so much about being a dirty sinner. I would see the grace that called me to repentance and glorifying my LORD. I would find myself longing for prayer and the Word. I would want to go share the Word of God with people and express this great work in me.
The good and the bad happened in 2012; yet as the year ended, I started to become funny. I started to see things differently. For the first time I was feeling the call to stand behind the scenes. I felt the need to see whether I should finally move forward. Now that I feel comfortable, something is lurking. Satan is trying his best to confuse me and cloud me. I now find it funny to be in prayer and just have a shallow level of communication. I find it so hard to cry about my troubles and other peoples troubles. I want to be noticed, but at the same times left alone. I guess 2012 was full of stuff that I am forgetting who was in charge of 2012 and my life.
I know that this first part of 2013, God is calling me to step out into faith and understand his love. I am reading Ephesians and a book called "From Here to Eternity". I do not understand the whole purpose of the church. I do not understand my calling. I am fighting the toughest part of the relationship, understanding and giving it back to God. God deserves his glory back. I know that before I step out in faith, I must understand God's heart for me and his church. The whole picture is more than I think and what I can understand with my heart, to the point of receiving graceful change. I want change, but I believe that I am working for it. I will lose my way, I know it. I cannot make the Word of God impact my life by saying "WOW!" or "UMM, I understand!!" It must show through my life. It must impact my heart to the point that I cannot help but live it out and experience it.
I do not understand the rebuilding of the temple or know much about it, but I am sure that the prophets that talk about that time of history have a lot to share about God's people trying and God's people walking humbly. God did not need the temple, but why do we as people try to make things happen for God? He can do it! Sigh, I can not even follow that.
This year's first messages were on Joshua 1 and 3. I have always been a person to lean upon people. When my mentors left the church, I felt defeated, lost, and alone. When I went to Biola, I felt alone, lost and restless. When I had to make decisions, I always went to people. I find myself seeking people even if they do not know me much. I long for the love and compassion of another person. This is one of my main scars and is one from the very beginning of the world. I held on to people's words, rather than God's. I even sought out the healing rooms at Water of Life. I would say they were awesome and encouraging, but now I am passed that and realize that I need God alone. I need my own quiet time and devotional time. I am tired of leaning on people. I only get hurt and so do others. When God provides me the right person, she will be the one I can lean on at times, but God should be her and my support.
I should not let go of God's Word, it must be in my thoughts, my mouth and life. What should be most important to my life, the covenant he made with me. Hebrews 11 talks is a great reminder that God was with everyone since the beginning of time. It is a great reminder in chapter 12 that the actions of God or the situation determine my identity or God's. Going forward or backward, there is a simple, unchangeable truth in God's Words. When Joshua was called to take the place of Moses, God told him three times, "be strong and courageous". Joshua had to deal with his relationship with God and then the relationship with the people and God. He had to lead a people who sinned so much in the desert, who were captive in Egypt, and sought out God physically. He had to bring these people into a new land that had 31 kings and 7 tribes of people. He had to establish rules, he had to face sin, and he had to face the reality of the whole picture. Did I mention that he was alone. Maybe Caleb, but he was alone for the most part.
Joshua continuously sought after God's Word and sought out to experience God. Do not God's people thirst for Jesus? The people before had a hope and now we have this hope, that is being able to see and be with Jesus. Do I really want to know Jesus more?? Of course, but man I am loosing it. I know it. I will mention it in my prayer coming up, but I really do not understand the great mystery. That is why I need to hold on to the power of prayer. Joesph prayed, Moses prayed, Joshua prayed, many other prayed, will I?
What do I know deep down that God is promising me? Should I go for it? Should I seek JESUS, while I am holding on to the promises? If God is asking me to see, will I see what he sees? I need to be bold before God.
Looking at Joshua 3, I realize how much is said after we have faith and have opportunities to learning more about who our God is. Now that I see that my Ark is Jesus Christ, I thus need to look upon him to know where the heck I am going. I must learn to accept his rest for me and his calling to go forward. I must experience God's power of salvation in the midst of the reality that seems to be bigger than God, but is not. I must continuous follow and go and stand in the river. This reminds me a lot of the great commission and great commandment. In God's timing we must see it, we must pray to understand it, but over all understand Him.
What is my Jordan river? My whole life will be full of them.
Lord, I come to you in prayer. I ask you to save me and remind me of who you are. Cloud me and keep me a flame. I ask you to let your Spirit, live in me and do what you see best. I can ask for many things, but just like Paul prayed for the church of Ephesus to know Jesus Christ before I come before Him. I ask Holy Spirit, you being my Comforter and Counselor and God, tell me everything that I may love Jesus that way he loves me. I am a sinner, but because Jesus blots out my sins, I will believe it, but help me be the bride he has called me to be. My eyes long for my Savior's face, but darkness creeps in. Let my eyes see Light and my body be of Light. My heart cries out upon reflecting on your own Word's. I want to know you more. I surrender, but that hope must do much more, it must draw me to Jesus. I guess my prayers have changed from having hope to be sanctified to be closer to Jesus and know Him before I know Him. Being in Christ, I surrender. Lord may I find you first. Holy Spirit may you be evermore present in my life. May I see you more and more. Father may you grant that mercy and hope.
Love you God. I truly do not understand this great mystery of love.
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