Lord I am So Weak

Lord this week has been so hard. Words cannot explain. My mind races in circle after each block of life hits me. I just do not know how to think. I do not know what to say. My heart is going through the toughest times. But i will not lose hope in you Lord. I will not see that i lose hope in you. If i have to fall, so be it, i rather fall with you. I rather see me rely on you. You are my everything and that is who you. Calm my storm. I do not know where to go. I do not know what to feel. My family as well needs you. My Uncle needs your strength and protection. My cousins need you. My Grandpa needs you. My whole family. Watch over them. Watch their hearts and my heart please. Please. Please. For that is who you are.

Not to Give Up

Lord, my faith is like a roller coaster. I cannot find myself enjoying the times i fall. Its as if when i use to be afraid of heights. I am like that in my faith. I still do not want to be in this motion, but should i be in it? I do not understand the meaning of going through the motions, help me to understand you Jesus. Help me to number my days and just have full confidence in your love. I have failed so many times and continue to do so. But please make every situation yours. Especially with church and her. I must not lose my confidence for you already told me to be patient. Lord i am always reminded of your disciple Peter. He was so anxious and ambitious to fallow you. Yet he still lacked faith and denied you. I do not know if that day will ever happen, but when i does because i am human, forgive me Lord. Denying you can also mean not trusting you. Man i have so much to learn. I know i will lose this emotion, because my emotions toy with me. Please bound this weakness and make it yours. Please protect me from failure. Father your guidance is all i need. Yet i always look for satisfaction. Hear my cry Lord and shape my prayers for the right intentions. Shape my heart for your will. Lord guide me in my schooling, my quest to go on a mission trip across the world, to head to hillsong college for a year, to fix my relationships with everyone. You are my savior. I feel like i am asking so much and many around the world have so little. I do know how to deal with that mind set. Only you can show me through your wisdom. Thanks you Lord. I wont give up trying to have full faith in you. When that day comes i will be able to walk on water.

Who You Are 2!!

Lord tomorrow i will fast. Fast not that i want to, but i am honestly seeking your guidance and do not know what to do. Plz be my creator and my savior. Savior, Please. Come in my need. I am sleepless and haunted. I am pushed to the floor hoping that this is not it and there is still much in store. Savior, Please. Rescue me.

Who You Are!!!

Lord, i find myself being eaten away again. Not because of myself, but because i see so much fall in front of my eyes. I do not know if it is because i am not understanding your will, but i think i am not. See i cannot even think straight. I am lost with in my thoughts. I am restless and cannot sleep well. I am looking for you, but do know how to in this situation. Or i mean situations. I know i put her on the top, but i do have other stuff. Man like i hope my uncle becomes strong again. Just seeing how the family is close together is good, but at what cost? Is this all in your plan. I just want to cry right now at Starbucks. Because so much is racing through my mind and i would rather just be at church and cry out to you. I find myself relying on you so much more, yet is so anxious to hear you, feel you, or see you. I feel like i may have done something wrong too. But what do i know? I didnt try to. I did not want to do so many things wrong. I keep having all these thoughts, my dreams are making them come back. I wake up in the middle of the night constantly. Then last night i found myself crying. Why?? What is bothering me so much that even in my dreams i cry and then become real. I feel this burning inside my heart. I feel if i need to just let go and do something different and rely on you way more. I feel that i may have become to grow in my riches or that you have been filling my cup, yet i need to do things right in what you put in it. Because if not i know i will fall hard again. I will just become something that will be tangled by the thorns. I really want to just rely on you much more and nothing more. I do hope that the other at church come to that realization because i do not want to be that only person that grows. Or that only person who cant talk to everyone. Thats one thing that i miss the most. Just being able to talk. Just being able to say hey i am here for you can i pray for you. Or that to me. I MISS IT ALL. I AM STUCK IN THE PAST BUT IT WAS THE CLOSEST I FELT TO YOU AND TO EVERYONE. Now i feel that i am close to you, yet far from them. What do i do? What does a person do? What does a leader do? What does brother do? What does a family member do? What does a friend do? What does a disciple do? What does a child of your will do? What does helpless person do? What does a person do when he does not know how to share his riches? What does a person do to receive your riches? What does a person do????? You are My Maker. You are My Savior. You are My Lover. You are My Creator. You are My Remedy. You are My Soul. You are My Life. You will be My Job. You will be My Wife. You will be My Children. You will be My Everything. Let it be that i just do not lose you.

What Do I Do?

Lord. My Savior, my redeemer, my healer, my Father. What do i do? How do i do? Or do i do what i think i want to do? Lord, i do not want to fall again in this way. What i mean is that i do not want to think that my riches are from my own strength and not to enjoy in them. I do not want to be caught up in my own destruction and fail again to my emotional stupidity. I am long for that truth that you alone can give. You alone can be that rock that i need. But when i sing that song and i think my savior, my redeemer, my everything. Do i really want to be selfish about you too? Do i want to say hey his my savior and not yours? No i do not think i would. I want to say he will be there for you. Lord Jesus in my situation it may not look as if death has reached my body. But again i come to you with a mind, a heart, a spirit with anticipation. My prayer is not focused really on you, yet i know its you that i seek in it. My prayer is not to fulfill self deeds, but the flesh is. Yet Lord if it is your will take thy cup and fill with your spirit. I do not understand your knowledge and plans, but i know i will understand your heart more. It will never be completed until i see you face to face. I pray Lord that you will fill this cup and not the poor emotions that i bring and not the words of human lips and tongues. For they may help for a second, but your word and love is eternity. It is over my head lord with this situation. I find myself in a state of wanting answers in a speedy processes, but i know i do not want that too. My savior let be that if you do fill my cup, that it will overflow to the right people. For those people can be filled not by me, but you. You know my heart and desire. I feel like its a gift from you. It may hurt, but your protecting me. I would be lost fully, yet i am here talking and writing to you. Let your love and glory fix what i have become and done. It may be your will, but if i did delay or offset what was planned, protect me from certain destruction and bring a new again. I will go through the waters and fires, but i will not drown or be burnt. I will be protected by the armor of my redeemer. Let that be passed down to others. I prayer for her to just be strong. She has a lot on her plate. I know it is funny that i still like her, but it is your will. I do not want to bug or chase her, but i want to wait for her and i want to just show her i am there for her, not as a person, but a brother in Christ. I know that college is tough, the sense of how life is falling is always near. The thought of school, work, LIFE. Is so much to bare. Sometimes i feel like i run away from it too. But i need you and she needs you and we all need you. The church, my family, my friends, and this world of yours. Savior, Please take this prayer and let your will fall. For you alone. For you alone. Selah. For you alone can bring us hope, be the remedy for the sick, lost, and hurt. For you alone can bring love like no other. What do i Do???? I seek your guidance and not mines, please if i do something that you stop me. You alone can stop me. For you are who you are.

Stop Sleeping and Be Awake

I live in a world in which the way we are brought up is that we need to worry for ourselves. That what concerns us is what is most important. I know it is good to care for yourself, but i know one man that did not follow that norm. His name was Jesus. Lol funny start to this journal. Lord i ask of you to guide me. I seek for your strength. I will right down what we talked about at service today. First of the book of Ephesians 5:6-21. Lord you ask us to be pure for your light is meant to shine from us. Like Shane talked about how you created us in your palm and intended that your light was only meant to be with in us. Lord as it says be exposed to the light, please do expose me. I am in a sleep in which i need to be awaken. I need to realize how much you are to my life. My life is nothing without you. By that in the people i meet, the classes i take, the time im at the gym, eating, sleeping, everything, i got to have with you in it, if not its weird how the day becomes. I find myself driving on the freeway fast to come back from school or going to school and i try not to be all crazy. Yet i still make comments to other people driving. Im not better than them, yet i reflect that. I am glad that i am able to catch myself in the act, yet so hard. But i know you will change me.
I am glad that you have spoken to me about the issue that seemed to be so dramatic for me. I know it is selfish of me, but thats me. But back on subject i am glad that this "Sex Rehab" at water of life was something i did need. Even though i did not have sex, it brought up so many issues that i was having. Hebrews 13: 4-8. This passage is so true to keep ourselves pure. I have been trying to control so much of my dating life and almost lost my sex life. But you was guarding my heart. For you will never leave me nor forsake me. Lord i will love for you to have your way. Because i have been doing so many things wrong and looking at my past so much. I see that hope now. I see what it means to have things be in your hands. I first want to love you. From that you will be my center. That center that will follow me to the ends of the earth. Carry me to your arms for even myself will become blind and fall asleep in the light. I know time and time again i will fall, but you will be the same at yesterday, today, and forever. So Lord by your will that you come within me and awaken me for your use. Because i do not want to see loose myself again, but if anything i would rather have my heart for you clear. I do not know what i mean by that, but i feel like i would let go of everything just for you. But i know i have to help others know who you are. Your the savior of all. Your my savior. So i do not wanna sleep again. Because i would rather be ready. Like you said that you will come like the thief in the middle of the night. So i cannot be asleep.

Keep Holding On

Lord as i listen to you speak to me everyday it is soothing. The Christ how died on the cross is the only savior i need. You are the only truth, hope, and love that i and everyone on this earth needs. Lord i pray with anticipation that you will answer, but like in 1 Thessalonians 5:9-11 states, even if i fall asleep or awake, you still love us. I thank you for so much love and grace. You continue to be my savior and teach me. I do not think i can live without you. I pray for Tao that you would speak to her and her family. I pray for Linda and everyone else Lord that you would enter in their lives because as much as i need you they do too. We are all one body. Like Sunyoung was talking about today that we as your children to have full anticipation for the answers to our prayers. Now that is tough. Because i feel Lord my prayers feel self centered, but i guess that is me and must accept who i am. For you created me. Lord i do hope that my prayers from the past have still been in your plan. My prayer is still the one you hear at night. It may not be every night, but it is my heart desire. Once again i state i will hold on to your love and truth. Like Isaiah 43, i must believe you how have created me will enjoy me and when i am given a new name from you it is you have created a new. The old and new are both apart of you. Thanks for the joy of just crying, yelling, falling, standing, everything, but it is all for you. Show me your direction and your purpose Lord. In time it will be shown i know that for a fact. In the end it will always be for you. Thanks again for being that savior that Isaiah talked about. Like the incidents that Peter had with you, i fall in the same situation, but my eyes are always on you. My heart is always on you. In the in its you and me. By that i ask you Lord that my wife and family would be in you, for i will always be me and you. I do hope it is her. Its in your hands. Ill just let you be my God. My savior. My healer. My remedy. Also Lord guide Justin. Has guided me so much and i thank you for him being my big brother figure. I needs you too more than ever. Thanks again. Ill keep holding on.

My Decision Lord

Lord, time and time again i find myself alone, but not by myself but with you. I sure did hope i spoke of your truth tonight and not with my own thoughts. Lord i am glad that i can be that light for you and hopefully i am but not for me but for you. I do not want to seek gain, but just strength to trust you more. Lord what is it that leads me to think before i go to bed that i myself need to reach a new step. Lord i pray that you will lead my life into something new that will bring me someone whom you approve in my life as well make that person be someone whom will be you. To find myself in me is to find you. To find that right person for my life is to find you. I do hope that i have the right concept of what is right. Lord i find myself rethinking all the time, how can i let go. Why is it that i feel like i wish i can have a second chance with her. I am glad though i have meet someone like her in my life and although i regret someone things i have done, she has been the part of my life that makes me say no to things, she reminds me why i love you, she reminds me why your my savior, she remind me why i can be happy when she is, she reminds me a lot. I look back and i wish i can be sitting down on that same spot at the mall and just listen to her and laugh. Lord from here on out i can not give up on her. I do not ask for love back from her, but the chance to sit, laugh, talk, watch a movie, and say why the creator of the universe is so special. I do not think i can find that in anyone else. I do not think i can talk to someone and yet feel good. I do not think i can see my self with anyone else when i randomly i see her leaving school, at the library, at the mall, restaurants, then songs that remind me of her are played at the right time before i break in to a fool. Lord i do not ask for you to make her love me, but Lord a second chance to enough a night with her would be awesome. I have hope that you will answer, but i must be patient, and i must rely on your word beyond this vase of life. Lord move me into something more. I think she is an awesome person, i tried to forget her many ways, but its hard. As i find myself in me, i find You, Christ, and as i look for You in someone that can be apart of my life i see You in her. Lord i wont give up hope. I make fall like Peter, but he is a good roll-model of how we can be hopeless, faithless, and sinful, yet be saved. Thats Salvation, something that i forgot that actually makes sense in life and brings purpose beyond measure.