My Prayer

Father. I know that my words can become twisted, but please listen or at least hear Christ prayer for me. Christ you know my heart and my thoughts. Right now i feel tired and feel exhausted with this timing of school. I am glad to look for help, so i am glad to pray with prayer, but there is one prayer that i hope you can remind me how i should look at your answer. Tomorrow i am going to College retreat with her and as it is its always hard to be around her. I feel as i got to struggle to keep myself from making a mistake, or just feeling weird. I guess i still like her, but i would rather be a big bro to her and watch over her as if she is my sister. Every day i feel like i walk alone in this physical world. I seem to not truly find peace at church because events are in korean culture based and so on. I love my church and it people, but for my faith its hard to walk when i want to go to an American conference when its only me and everyone is going to RCA. I respect this, but is it just me? Then i am glad to have family worship with Andys family, but its not my family. It hurts to sit there and just think differently about my family. I feel as i still cant find my home that i long for. I guess i am not of this world. Deliver me from this and pull me through. I seek for guidance and i do not know what to do in this big situation of being in search of a home. I dont know what to do with school or my financial situation. I am pressured Lord. Help me and save me. Lead me from temptation that i seek. Hear my hearts cries. You know Lord and as of know i dont know if i should look at the situation as a no or as a delay. What do i need to see? Let your kingdom come and not let my will be done, but your will. I prayer Lord to not fall into temptation that i know is physical and emotional. I pray that you will guide me and like how you Christ asked you disciples to not sleep, i prayer that i can some what fallow you into that command you told your disciples. I am a sinner and forgive me of my sins, but hear my hearts cries. I know i dont want to be selfish, but your not my God, your our God.

Things to Mention

I enjoy going to my church. I enjoy the people, the environment, the atmosphere. So much is to be loved about this place i call home. Yet being there for about four years i have struggled so much. I have struggled with friendships, relationships, authority, leadership, personalities, and so many other things. Also i can say in these areas i have had blessings. Everything i found myself looking for answers. I would ask questions, i would pray about topics, i would read books, and i would read my Bible most definitely. So i would encourage others to do the same. To myself i would think that my relationship with Christ would not be worth wild if i had not seek for answers. There must be this hunger for Love, for Truth, for Hope, for Wisdom, for sinlessness, for understanding how to live life, for Christ Himself. It is so easy to fall into a deep trance and just follow this world. I know that for a fact. I know that it is easy to become numb to the situations that are apart of our lives, but isn't there more to life than just being numb? Should we really look at life with what the world wants us to see it? Should i say that i need to be in a relationship with a female because i am pressure by all the world? No, but to a degree. It is important to understand what it means to let Christ be the center. Truly He has to be the center. Life to me cannot go on without this strive to see Him move in my life. I feel as if i need Him to breathe in my conflicts and in my joy. So i encourage myself and others to seek Christ. Now how is that? First the Lord's Prayer has pointed something to me so importantly, that this prayer is not just between me and Christ, but between me, my family, my church members, my friends, my co-workers, this world, and Christ. The Lord's Prayer does not start, "My Father...", but as "Our Father..." This is so significant to all people, because "it takes a community to know an individual" (Keller). For myself to know a person it makes it worth wild to see a person act in different situations with different people, because you can see different parts of the person. For example, me, Andy, and her. Now when i am with her she acts if she knows i am a shy person, yet can be deep into a conversation and she reacts with a different personality. Now with Andy she is more vibrant and bright. She shows a side of her that only i can see with Andy around. With certain people you can know that person even more. The community allows for viewing of different parts of a person. Same goes with the whole community as a church. As a community we get to see the Christ we seek within all ourselves. The Christ given characteristics in Justin are different from those of Paul's, but i still see the Christ figure in each person and can see a different side when they are around others. This concept of the community is important and i realize how much more the Body of Christ is meant to work. Not only do we heal each other or support each other, we get to learn more about Christ which is within all of us. Good example of this is the fact me and Justin talked about the sensitive subject about porn. Our culture thinks of it as a normal thing for boy's to see and go through, but as i watch Peasant Princesses from Mars Hill Church and want to think about my future family, i do not want to carry this certain sin with me. This subject was difficult to talk about at first, but my heart was seeking a way out or a chance of hope that i could not have seem to find, on my own, since i felt like i was able to walk alone with Christ for sometime. As time went by this conversation became so much more than what i had expected, since our culture between guys is so casual when with certain people and think about it girls do the same. But is it shameful to confess that a person wants to leave that life. That a person would want to look at his wife with the eyes of love and not lust. I felt if it were by grace that this sinful nature can be conquered. I felt this hope inside and currently feel it, but need to take it day by day. Yet for once in a long time, i felt this peace that i was not alone and that someone understands and that in that someone the Christ in them understands. It is important to have community. It is of importance to have communication. To listen. To understand. To talk. To just be humble. I think this is where the Lord's Prayer talks about forgiving our debtors and having Christ forgive our debts. Once again 1 Peter 5 talks about how Satan is a lion ready to attack, but to be humble before your elders for it makes you strong as well. This is communication at its best. For being young is effortless, but to grow takes strength from a community. I experienced this first hand many times, but recently i can say it make much more sense. So i encourage everyone to communicate, to elaborate, to speak up, to be in community, to strive for goals, to search for Christ in every situation and in ever person, to understand that he is "our God" and "not my God". I think this is how a church can break down the four walls of a church as a community and reach for others outside.

So...

Life is full of mysteries. Full of desires. Full of dreams. Full of infinite ideas. Yet, lately it has never click so much in my heart how Life is Christ. That in this world, that we all desire to just be love and be within love. Love is a word with no definitions, yet has humans we make definitions. I think that Love is what the word says it is. After seeing all the situations that people go through and how it is so easy to be lost, only love can save us. It funny how in life either we become the person who falls from Christ and goes down a road that seems endless, yet in the future we come back to Him knowing how much we need His love. I think i fall in this category if there is one. Although i can say that i am with in his love does not mean my sin is gone. Does not mean that i can control my sin or ever be free from it. Then there are those who fallow Christ, but want to receive His blessings or believe that they deserve something from God. I guess no matter how much we think that we can walk a straight walk, we cannot. Sin is apart of us. It something to be excepted and should be something that should be dealt by Christ only. So i am reading this book called The Prodigal God. Its based on Luke 15. This story was always a story that brought me joy to see how Christ is willing to always take us back into His arms. But this book talks so much more deeper about that parable. You know no matter how much i want to be strong in my faith i can never be there. I must need the strength of the only Savior. No matter how much we want to be perfect i think we as sinners need to stop. We need to stop and just realize our identity. By that we are sinners, but as well the precious jeweled child of Christ that has the citizenship of His Kingdom which is above all Kingdoms.

Finally

This fire that i believe that i have received by Christ is burning. Burning in joy to see my family move. Saturday was a day that showed me how important it is to share your faith. How to not give up hope with family. How to see the impossible become the possible. I still struggle with my sin, but my heart seeks the one and only savior. Last night i saw how much i need to be a leader in my family. I need to shine this light in me. I must struggle with it and shine it. My sister broke down in such a way that it was time. I do not know if she wants to fight the good fight like i did, but she is seeking truth in some way. This is the birth of how Christ moves. Glory to this moment in my life. I would have never expected to see this from Vanessa. I was happy for her to struggle, but i knew deep down that i need to be that leader for her too, because she cannot walk alone in the beginning. Like myself i had my church to support me, but at one point it became all Christ that was the center. I also need to be the leader for my mom and the rest of the family. I must not forget my identity in Christ. Right now i struggle to get myself back into my school mode. As well i am struggling to get into my daily devotion mode. Then next week is school. Now school is normally normal, but for me, she is going to be in my class and lab. Now this is surely going to be my struggle. The parts of me that i thought were some what healed are truly not, so therefore i just do not know what to expect. Like i told my sister do not worry for the future, but i am human and i should have told he it is hard to not worry. I surely do hope that this semester Christ can heal what i could not have. I have failed big time. I hope that i can let the Lord be the one to move and not me. I hope that i can give him enough room. I hope that i do not fall like in the past. I hope that he can make the man i am becoming shine. I hope Christ that i do not let my will come out but let your will shine. It is time i believe that Christ will hold me, yet can i hold on to Him correctly. I realize that i do care for this women in a different ways than others and the sense of jealousy always comes upon me. Lord draw me closer to thee. Please do not let go of me. My heart is already shaking. My mind is already wanting to think wrongly. My soul thirst for truth and love. I will write this because it is stupid, but should be written down because it shows my weakness as well as others. I want to see; Lord help me like you are helping my sister... never mind it does not make sense. It is stupid to even think like that. HE IS ALREADY WORKING WITH ME, but i do not know if he will make what i want to come true, but it is not my will. He knows best for me. Thank you Jesus.