I do got to say that this retreat was amazing and I had taken much joy in the experience. I went there just having the mind set to walk with the Lord a bit more intimate and aware. I know that I could not do this unless he had taken my heart and done a work in me. Now this is not to say that I am not broken inside. I still feel so torn a part by the fact that there is much to deal with. I know retreats can become dangerous Lord, but just like you spent time with the Father, I was glad to spend time with you. I was glad that I was able to hear two awesome testimonies. I was glad to look up at the night sky and see the beauty of what you have created. I enjoyed the bonding time I had with my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. I thank you. I thank you for being adopted into your son-ship. You know Dave totality spoke something big into my heart. The fact that you adopted me, means so much. Yes a father and mother take joy in having child, but to adopt. I mean that is huge. The process it takes to adopted as humans is overwhelming. From signing papers, money, tons of time, courts, constant check ups, thinking, emotions, and overall the ability to say yes or no to a photo or description of a child. The fact that you are able to say yes to me, I know deep down in my soul it means so much. My soul may be downcast, but it knows this awesome love. I am no father, but I surely need you to reign and fight for me still. I need you to teach me. I need you Jesus to hold my hand and protect me from myself and the enemy.
Jesus as I read the Words you spoke, Luke 2 is an awesome story of what Mary and the other characters experienced. You gave them stories to remember. You gave hope to the prophet and prophetess. You put joy into their spirits, yet you gave your mother so much more. You gave her a living relationship. The fact that she even was scared, tested, fearful, and so many emotions as a young mother and on top of you being God, must have been crazy. I bet Mary even acted like a child before you and the Father. She did not understand the time you stood in the temple, but she kept all those treasures in her heart. I find it awesome that she had learned from he past. Luke 2:19 says, "But Mary treasured all these things and pondered them in her heart." The fact that Mary had to ponder these thoughts and events was more than just thinking. I bet she wrestled with you God. I bet she wrestled with the fact that her child was no ordinary child, but would be her savior too. Mary heard everything the shepherds spoke about, but she had to stop and really wrestle with it. Although she struggled she treasured it. Lord I do hope I can learn to treasure all my times with.
Years later she went to the temple to give offering and not knowing for a day, you was still in the temple or how you said in your "Father's house". You took so much joy even as a child. I know you know that your mother was worried and anxious, but that did not sway your time with your Father. Now you know all things. Once again you reminded your mother that she was mothering her own Savior and the worlds. After you questioning her twice, she did not understand probably at that moment. But the journey back home would be the time needed for her to come to conclusion. Years before she pondered and wrestled, yet during this time with you the Word says, "But his mother treasured all these things in her heart". Did she ponder? Well I do not know, but I am glad you revealed what your revealed. I look at this and I see the relationship step that much further even though she was your mother by earthly standards. You knew her questioning before hand. You gave her peace that you were who she knew some where deep down you would be. She knew what the people and angels said about you was true. Her world would be rocked and you would continuously have to remind her of your truth and life. From there you would then impact the world.
Lord I look back on my past. I will say i had many times of pondering. I still wrestle with you. Right now it is to the point of destroying my self. I have become so anxious and so stressed. I have have lost hold the adoption you placed in my life. I have lost the fact that your always good. You proved your love in the car accident, in my attendance at school, my studies, my time at church, my struggles with sin, my dreams, the ability to pay for school, the time you made me and my father hug, the endless nights of pain and crying, and the times you spoke through me, the times I sought for more, and etc. Lord, man, you was surely there. You have not left, but I know I did. I know I have forgotten the joy and commandments. Teach me Lord to love you and to love others. Lord may my soul jump inside because of the Spirits presence and works.
Lord I have written down many things during the retreat to bring forth to both Pastor's. I seek your Fathering. Lord you are my God and I ask for your presence. I ask for you to be in the midst of our relationships. Lord I seek correction, guidance, truth, faith, wisdom, hope, love, and everything you are. May I be set free? I ask for fruits to bear in the season. I ask for rain and the perfect farmer to move. May your law be treasured in my heart. May I have faith Jesus with first experiencing your adoption as a Son. Thank you Abba. Thank you. If no one was here, I would just want to jump and cry at Hosanna in the Highest. Jesus man, you just take so much of us. I can not believe that this is so awesome. I was adopted and now your adopting more and more children. Thank you for this morning. =]
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