Lord you know what has taken place this past three days. You know the failure and your know the hurt. You know the brokenness that I am now currently in. I may not show it, but its there. I can honestly say that I find it hard to cry like I use to. I do not like that, but have I grow that bold to hold things in or give them up in faith. Crying is the best remedy at times. Today I did cry while I was at Water of Life service. I feel the pushing inside of me. To be honest, I feel so lost in what should I do. Certainly, your listening. Certainly, you are fulfilling your promises, but can I be still to pay attention.
I was given til Sept. 20th to move from Eriko's place. I went to my room, thinking well what is next.I could not think straight, but I knew right then and there I needed to go to my parents and say I need to come back. So yesterday I just moved my stuff back, but with out my old furniture and TV. We have had it for more than 10-15 years. Surely, you are stripping me of my own stuff. Now I got to make $225 monthly payment on top of my $116 health insurance, $100 car payment, $125 car insurance, and credit card debt. Lord, I hate dealing with money, but man help me out here. I was given an opportunity to do ministry and get paid from Pastor Will, but how can I with my two internships? Do I move in a mid-season? Do I let go of Youth Ministry Outreach Internship? Do stay still? Do I need a real part-time job? Lord, I need you to start speaking to me again. I ask for grace. I ask for forgiveness. I need you every moment of my life and you know how much that I desire you. It may fight against my flesh and do act prideful at times, but Lord your the life changer to my life. Father I want to say Jesus has changed me from the inside out. I cannot see this years vision, but I need you to make clarity. I need you to fight hell and all the demons that desire to take down your servant. Confuse your servant, or even tempt me. I need you. I need you. I need you. My life has always felt like a constant battle of know myself. I have always fought knowing my identity. I never been at peace were I am now at and have been at. And if I have it was short lived. Do I go with change Lord, our do I stay still? I need more than just myself to make a decision based on my situation and what I think of your will, but I need your amazing power and love to make grace that much more living and breath taking. I do not know what to do. I need to make moves. Well that is what I see. Lord were do I move? Are you moving others for me? Are your seeing me like you say those before me with greater faith? Are you listening to me like you did with Moses and Paul? I need you. I desperately need you to make my fallen efforts and fallen pride. I need you to teach me your love, wisdom and who you are. Make a new of my spirit. Restore it. Revive my sensitivity. Heal me. Abba in the power of your Son name make a way in this desert.
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