A Land of Nothing

I want to let you know God, that I know that your here.  Not once have you left me, but many times I have left you.  Lord, I am crying out to you.  My heart, my mind, my strength, and my soul have become so downcast.  Not only do I feel fear, but I am truly losing sight of what is next to do.  My back hurts everyday.  The stress has caused me to become so lost.  I want to be set free today.  I want to go where I should go.  I want to hear your deep voice in me.  I am so done.  I have asked many what to do, but every thing sounds the same, but it is not you.  I long to hear your calling once again.  Lord you know that right now my pain is building.  I will say that my life is not taken from me, but it is surely in your hands.  I please ask, stop this.  Stop it!  It hurts Abba.  From one season to the next.  It is constantly the same things.  Money and whether I should serve at Step With Christ Church. On top of that how can I drive so many miles.  My earthly father continuously tells me that need to be a man.  Lord, have you not made his mouth?  Then why make him say such words!  Why can you give me words to say!  I want to come to something new.  I love you Jesus.  I can honestly say that I do knot know you like Peter and the disciples did, but I read your Word and all I can say, it is you that I want to see when I read your Words that come from you.  I am so burden.  I will not stop though.  Just like Jacob, Lord how long do I have to wrestle with you?  How long?  Is that really you??  I want you, my only Father to bless me!  I want to be able to say my Father is with me, I want to have confidence in you Jesus.  Just like Paul in Philippians 3:10-11.  My lips are shut, my mind races, and my heart is broken.  I have sin.  I have done wrong.  My soul knows it.  I sense it when I fail.  My soul is so gone.  It is so dirty.  Lord I will honestly say I have fucked up.  My soul is so broken and I cannot even see what it desires.  I cannot see what you are doing.  Yes, your Word is being at work, but Lord where are the visible fruits.  Will you not place people in front of me?  Will you not save your child?  Will I have to come back to you in the midst of my earthly father looking at me with disgusted eyes.  I cannot even get his blessing.  So I look for you.  I have faith that your more powerful.  My anchor is in you because you have placed it first.  Lord I know the Word is in me.  I find it so lovely.  I find it so refreshing.  Lord you know my sin.  Please blot it out.  Jesus I ask for your redemptive love and cross to save me.  Please, show your face.  I have a mask on.  I do not know how big it is.  My Savior, there is no water, there is no one, but your my living water and my living God.  May you set me on level ground.  May I not trust my own understanding, but dwell in you.  Yet, Lord place my heart in an area of your presence, so that my eyes may open, my soul may be healed by this evil spirit that attacks me.  Lord I plea for your hope.  This storm is huge, Father with your power calm it.  May your settle things down.  May I lay it at your feet.  I am glad that I have this internship.  Thank you.  Its yours.  I am done trying to run.  I am done.  I am done.  I guess you dont want me to move.  I dont even know what to thing of it.  That question, "where are you?"  Well Lord I am here and I am so lost.  Wait am I naked?  Because I forgot how it is to be so bold to tell you.  I am just lost.  Please move hearts.  Move mine.  I need help!!!!!!! I NEED IT!! I NEED YOUR PRESENCE!!!! I NEED YOU JESUS!!! I NEED YOUR CROSS!!! I NEED YOUR TOUCH!!! I NEED YOUR HUG!!!! I NEED YOU!!! I NEED FORGIVENESS!!! I NEED TO LET GO!!! LORD WILL YOU HEAR ME!!  WELL I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE.  MAY YOU FINALLY BLESS ME!! CAN I HAVE A DOUBLE PORTION, CAN I SAY IN FAITH LET YOUR WILL BE DONE, BUT HELP ME UNDERSTAND YOU FOR YOUR MORE THAN I CAN UNDERSTAND.