But I am doing this to remind myself of the event that happened today since my small booklet its out of space.
Well Lord you know more than me about my situation and you know that I am in a really difficult position. I have no sense of being able to move. I am seeking you constantly. I feel convicted and yet having grace. It sounds funny, but Lord today I just came before you once again.
I started my day by heading to BeachPoint church near Huntington Beach and I found it hard to really see myself there. I just know that it is not the place that I am suppose to be at for my internship. I know my calling to to help people and know Your heart for the lost, orphans, and widows. I was glad to bring Jacob along with me and he received much grace coming along. The message was about having many mentors, having people along side, and under as disciples. I long for this to be some what established by Your Name sake. End of Philippians 3 and short part of 4.
We went to In-N-Out and I had a weird feeling that my number would be #1, but I ended up being 99 and Jacob was 1. We talked about how it was like the 99 sheep and the 1 that Jesus went after and then I thought about how I was trying to be the first, when I am the last. I dont know what it was really meaning for, but I ended up getting away from everyone and headed to the Chapel to spend time in prayer.
I laid there trying to pray and talk and its sometimes most difficult to start. I want to sleep a bit, but I longed to say something. I was fighting to talk or say something from my heart. I ended up repenting and looking. You above all, know that I try to start with wanting to praise You for being Sovereign. Its most difficult in the midst of my season Lord. These past 3 weeks have been hard. But I started reading 2 King and Chronicles because I wanted to read about Isaiah and King Uzziah and his Son. It amazing how much Hezekiah fell into pride and then into the hands of what You already knew. Lord I find it scary that You can make even our sins go back to Your Glory and then we somewhat are cursed or pulled into our sins. I still question if that can still happen today, and I do not want to be numb to the fact that maybe it still does. I mean Jesus You wash our sins, but You character and main redemptive plan is still in action.
I need you Lord as much as Isaiah and Hezekiah came before You. Lord my financial situation is so bad. I do not know how I will pay for my last payments on my car. I do not know where I will go to live, I do not know if I can make a job, I do not know if my home Church is where I need to be interning at. I know that I feel at peace being there. I will try to apply for AS and SMU. I have no clue on living and finances.
So has I continued on I realized that I needed to continue my reading in Luke. So, crazy thing happened. I read the first of three parts of Luke 15. It was about the 99 and 1 sheep. I had a sense that I needed to repent more. So I repented my addiction to adulatory of money, my pride, my idea that tithing is giving to others and not the church first, because I think it may have deep down been a move of my own self glory. I confessed my lust and how my eyes wonder here and there. I confessed how I used my parents to support me for to long and made it seem like I supported them financially, but it was more like, "hey since I got myself to take care of, that is your support." I know there is more, but I cannot see it all.
But Lord I ended going back to Ezekiel 34 and then to Psalm 23. I feel as I have held on to Psalm 23 so much and I cannot let it go. Crazy thing and I hope it was not just my nose. But as I started to pray more and repeated the verses as best I can, I smelled the awesome smell of anointed oil. I missed it so much because of healing rooms, but I kept on smelling it and could not stop sniffing since I enjoyed it. I looking around me to see if it was from someone, but no one looked like they had a bottle. I started to just thank you for everything. I love Psalm 23.
Lord, although I write this I may forget just like the Israelites. Lord please help me. I am crying for HELP!!! FOR STRENGTH!! FOR DIRECTION, FOR SUPPORT, FOR EVERYTHING. LORD SAVE ME, HEAL ME, RESTORE ME, RENEW ME. AMAZE MY FAITH FOR YOUR NAME SAKE. LORD I AM A SINNER THAT CANNOT FIND NO OTHER HOPE, FAITH, OR LOVE IN YOU. YOU ARE MY LIFE, YOU ARE MY SAVIOR, KING, PRIEST, AND PROPHET. COME LIKE THE SWIFT WIND SO I CAN REST IN YOU. MY SHEPERD WILL SAVE ME, I KNOW IT. I KNOW IT SOME HOW. O MY SOUL CRY. O MY SOUL WHAT LITTLE LEFT IS HANGING ON HANG ON. O MY SOUL KNOW THAT YOUR GOD IS THE GOD OF ALL BEFORE YOU AND ALL HAD FAITH.
HEBREWS 11
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