I Miss It

I miss blogging. I miss writing. I miss the deep nights of seeking God's heart and not my own. I miss the knowing that i am not here to fill my own desires. My dreams come and go and i miss them; yet, do i miss something more? I do! I miss being able to let go of my intellectual thinking and know Christ is my Savior through all the times of hardships. I know this summer is going to be a new season. I will be placed back into the area i was limping. I will be weak once again. This week being back home has been a preview of what is to come. His love, will love me the same when i come back, yet will my words, my heart, my mind be looking on things above and not my own things.

I got to let go. I got to let go of trying so hard. I cannot change things back home. I cannot be the one to change peoples hearts. I cannot rebuild relationships that are not fruitful. I miss things. I look back and i feel like i can travel backwards. Nope! Its not going to happen. In the same way i cannot push forward. Why would i want to?? I keep thinking like i got to finish this lap with the best time. With that mind set i will not finish the race any faster; all i do is hinder myself and giving myself a chance to fall.

I just want to be closer. A day without Christ is a million tears, its a sense of fear, it feels as if the day become longer. I know i am his, but its that struggle. The vine is the source of life. It need the Son and the rain. The Love that i long to hold true will never come from my how heart or mind, but only from my source of life, my creator. I just want to be closer.

Right now before writing back on my blog i found a famous David Wilkerson. I found out that he passed away last night and this was his last words on his blog:

"To believe when all means fail is exceedingly pleasing to God and is most acceptable. Jesus said to Thomas, “You have believed because you have seen, but blessed are those that do believe and have not seen” (John 20:29).

Blessed are those who believe when there is no evidence of an answer to prayer—who trust beyond hope when all means have failed.

Someone has come to the place of hopelessness—the end of hope—the end of all means. A loved one is facing death and doctors give no hope. Death seems inevitable. Hope is gone. The miracle prayed for is not happening.

That is when Satan’s hordes come to attack your mind with fear, anger, overwhelming questions: “Where is your God now? You prayed until you had no tears left. You fasted. You stood on promises. You trusted.”

Blasphemous thoughts will be injected into your mind: “Prayer failed. Faith failed. Don’t quit on God—just do not trust him anymore. It doesn’t pay!”

Even questioning God’s existence will be injected into your mind. These have been the devices of Satan for centuries. Some of the godliest men and women who ever lived were under such demonic attacks.

To those going through the valley and shadow of death, hear this word: Weeping will last through some dark, awful nights—and in that darkness you will soon hear the Father whisper, “I am with you. I cannot tell you why right now, but one day it will all make sense. You will see it was all part of my plan. It was no accident. It was no failure on your part. Hold fast. Let me embrace you in your hour of pain.”

Beloved, God has never failed to act but in goodness and love. When all means fail—his love prevails. Hold fast to your faith. Stand fast in his Word. There is no other hope in this world."