First off, i been having this struggle with my anxiety and my thoughts. I never understood why they appear, but they do. Its hard to overcome such a thing, since its in the mind. As i learn more in school and just through experiences in life i become more thoughtful in my reasoning. I think un-contextually. This tuesday was the start of revelation for me. As Blake shared his Bible verse, i was convicted that i was not looking at God's true nature. I was adding qualities that did not match to what was said in the Bible. One thing was guilt. Christ did not make his followers or people who looked for his love feel guilt. One person elaborated that how can God make things feel uneasy, it is not of his nature. His yoke is gentle and humble in heart. I realized that my anxiety starts from my fear. The fear grows to thoughts, to anxiety, to guilt, to condemnation and accusation, and to just endless circles. I would think that the pain would be present forever. Sometimes i just have to leave the place i am in to realize that i was in the middle of sin.
I had a talk with John this week about the current girl that i have feelings for. I mean its hard to make a decision because i want to treat her as a sister in Christ before anything else. I do not see her and talk to her everyday and would like too, so its easy to look at other Christian girls the same way. It is not easy. Seriously. Im in the purity class at my church on fridays, and even God said at the beginning of time that for Adam to be alone, it was not "very good". God intended that void for men to be filled and as i get older i sense it more and more especially since i got my funny, scared past. Men have that characteristic to save and women to be save. That Christ characteristic with the church as his bride. In a sense i am really looking, yet all eyes are on Jesus, because i cannot stand in a relationship when he is not the center.
After hearing a couple of speakers this week, i asked my self, do i look at my sin more than Christ. Seriously i go to war with sin to much. I slip into a deep abyss and i given in due to my fear and focus on sin. I forgot what it meant to be truly saved. I mean i have justification, reconciliation, sanctification, confession. In this order we have conviction, confession, repentance, restitution, and reconciliation. Such as jealousy is from God and envy is not, conviction is from God, but not guilt. It is okay to feel guilty, but then we know that we are bad. That we need a savior and we are sinner from the start. Now being guilty is impure and not of God.
I have been fearing the wrong things. Whatever you fear, you idolize. The fear becomes anxiety which then become a guilt fill sin. I have been fearful in some situation and i have become envious, when i was thinking that i was jealous. I have no right of jealousy unless, i have full possession over it. There is an end to this and that is looking toward Christ and not the sins. I mean so many Christians, become fixated on the sins, when Christ has no intention for us to focus on that. Its our overwhelming walk that leads us to turn to look to the views on the side and fixate on it. You know what i mean, say when your traveling down the freeway and all of a sudden there is that one billboard that is attractive and you feel as if you want to be apart of its purpose. The same things occur in our walk with Christ. Our purpose falls to our physical. I also read Romans 6 this week and elaborated on sin. I wish to go into details, but im getting tired.
I just got to end on one note. I got to fear God, not anything else. Also i need to stop trying to save myself, i got a Savior man. Why try to save yourself when he has done that already. I can never become sinless, but i am still a sinner in a sense that i can sin less. On top of that i learned that in Song of Songs, Solomon even say his wife as unique. He reminded her that even people view her differently, that her being the only girl of the family she is unique. Out of all the girls, she is the difference that draws me near to her. Maybe she can be someone, but certainly my heart knows that, but satan is attacking from all angles to make me lose my way. God is my God. He knew that i would need him in this moment. Also Lord help me to put to death whatever is of my earthly nature. Thanks Abba.
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