Who Has, Is, and Will Love Me

How is it that I will truly understand your heart?

Many times, I reflect on how Christ took a wreck like me and showed me a piece of His love. His love truly did pull me from the depths of hell. I look at my life and I can say I was crucified with Christ, for now I live a new life of faith, hope, and love. I believe I will be crucified again for I may have different situations that lead me to grow in His heart.

I do not know or understand how Christ will continue to change me, but everyday I think about how I will truly understand Christ’s heart. Everyday is a battle to break of pieces of my old self. Before I accepted Christ, I had major depression and an identity crisis. I did not think when I was in my freshmen year of high school I would be broken in some way during my high school years. I thought that I could overcome any situation, but in the end, I fell into world.

Accepting Christ was a great experience, yet no one told me that my life would be full of trials. All I heard is that my world will be rocked and will be forever changed. Weeks later, I fell even harder, the presence of drugs and alcohol threw my life in to the valley of death. My valley of death lasted three years, yet every night I fought with my mind, heart, and soul. I cried out so much to Christ and I knew I had fallen so low in all parts of my life. I could not shake the feeling that I was in His arms. I knew that I was more than the choices I had made and the problems I created. It was never about what I had done, but it was about what He had done for me. I knew I was remade, I knew inside that, Christ lives in me.

Paul’s opposition towards Peter reminds me of myself, in which I was a Galatian coming to Christ. I accepted at a Korean Presbyterian church, yet in everything, I was still lost in my identity. Culturally I was not meant to fit in, at the same time I was struggling to see who was in me and the eyes of people. I have never read this passage, but I understand what Paul is addressing in Galatians 2: 11-21. Paul understood that it is not the laws, the culture, or the differences in people that matter, but the fact that all “faith is in the Son of God”, who loves and saves.

Currently I go to two churches and the atmospheres are opposite to one another; nevertheless, looking at this passage, do I truly act upon what Paul addresses. In a sense, do I have a duty at my first church? Does the fact of race and culture truly apply? How is it that I will truly understand and share that love with others? I think I have personally overcome this fathom, in which many churches as a whole cannot see such wisdom, in which my home church, Step with Christ Church, is battling to understand. Christ called us to love and share the ministry of His heart to others. I have always battle my mind, heart and soul at church. I have felt both ends of the spectrum. At times I feel solo, others I feel alive in community. One thing I understand is that my home church and my current church, Water of Life, look for Christ’s heart, but in some aspects can only get a bottle full of water from the seven oceans of His love.

Both churches I go to, is no greater than that of the other, for we are one body; yet, the laws get the way, the leaders try to seek self righteousness, the community likes to view what can be comfortable and in the process, we forget Christ’s heart. Truly, there is the sense of pride and surely, this was not meant to be. I believe this is not what Christ saw in His bride, the church, and He spoke to Paul in a sense to remind Peter of Christ Kingdom. It means to carry Christ compassion, to be the hands and feet, to go beyond religion, and see what is unseen. It says in Galatians 2: 21, “I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!” Truly, righteousness is given by Christ’s love and heart, in which I have felt and seen.