Crazy Love Part 1

About three years i gave my heart to Christ. I was one broken person. Looking at my blogs from last year and this year, truly i was in a deep valley.

By day i had a mask on, yet sometimes i could not hold it on and snap in front of others. By night i was crying my way to sleep, asking why my life was so broken. Those endless nights felt so dark. All i remember is my heart waging war with its junk and knowing that something was illuminating my depths. I fought it so much, but i found myself being weak. The illusion of life being okay was what ate me alive.

I did not know myself. I would want to always fit in and some how i did to an extent. Endlessly i would try new things. Continuously i wanted to not be alone. The chaos at home made me brittle. I saw answers, yet nothing filled it. Remembering a time when staring up at the sky and thinking how as a kid i would have never imagine my road to be so bumpy. I would have never thought of doing drugs, i would never have thought of life being so meaningless, i would have never thought that God was fake. That night looking at the stars, i saw only myself.

The past night this week i was outside with my sister looking at meteors. I mean get a chance to see them, its a wonderful thing. Such small clumps of rock from the outer reaches of our solar system can make the night sky brighten up. They do not rain down in a continuous manner, yet you have to know where to look and be patient. Patience brings the beauty of nature and its wonders.

Just being with my sister made me see what i have become. I have become something much more in life. Every good and perfect gift comes from above and that night i was thinking how much my family is to me. I love my sister and how i would spend another night with her. I saw my life and what i have gone through was for me to be a man of Christ. That when my family is down and when i meet the right person i would be looking for strength in my savior. That i will be willing to fight the good fight. That my father would give me the strength to be everything he has called me to be. That he would lead me with strong hands. That he would help me stand. That he would let me give up things that tie me down. That he would not let me do things alone. Thats when i knew i was not alone, was never and would never be.

Looking at my past blogs, if i was then and outside looking at the sky, i would miss the main point. I would have thought to myself why don't i have someone special to watch this with. Why is it that i was trampled like a rose and here again on this night im alone. I did struggle with the idea of being single for long periods and not wanting to give a piece of me to a person that i know would snatch it way. Yet i feel as if i was not looking in the right direction and was missing the beauty of what was in that part of my life.

This being the fourth christmas after accepting Christ, i have never felt so alive. There is the crazy love that is unexplainable and all i want to do is let others know that we all have similar situation or stories and how Christ is the answer. Its an overwhelming feeling. Its as if even in the mist of trials i can just be still and look at his wonders and see that he has me. The past Christmas seasons i was broken, broken inside, thinking that i can cover it. I tried so hard to cover myself with a tent i was familiar with while he waited patiently to have me ask for his tent to protect me. Surely during these dark times he looked at me and cried as i cried, but he knew that i had so much more to give up. He knew that life was something to not regret. That when my weaknesses popped up, he would use them for strength. That he would show me how much he loves me. To really impact me. To be overwhelmed by this crazy love that saved me and would do so for others.