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Its sad that no matter how much you plan to do what you want to do, it never happens. Im in Colorado right now and i thought that i would be good to be in one with Christ and achieve some work for school, but i barely started today. I am glad that i am not at home, but i miss many things about it. Maybe not the whole situation, but the times that i feel pressured. I need pressure to remind me of who i am. I think as humans we tend to be relieved by our situations when then flow our way, but when the wind blows against the waves of the ocean then you understand that you cannot have the strength to face the wind. Glad that i asked Sun for the message passage, i would not be able to stand knowing that i need to be strong. One of my favorite books is James and remember was the first i read, but i seem to always forget how much it means. I feel as i am double-minded in my situations and James clearly states to be careful of that.

Currently i am reading the book A Million Miles In a Thousand Year by Don Miller. Don is currently speaking about how much he realizes how we want to create a new person of ourselves that have a better soul and mind set. But truly is that what i want? Sure. But is we where to make ourselves complete and fix our own lives, would there be true reason and love for life? Nope. Wow how much i want to be better, but i cant. I cant fix the stupid things i say, do and just act upon. Man how much i want to fix it all, but would i feel good if i did it all on my own? Would i even have the strength to continue on to change my situations for the best? Would i have the sense of being loved by another or would my own love to myself and the love i make other show upon me be worth it? Would i truly understand myself enough to keep taking myself back and what i mean is would i be able to forgive myself for ever? Would i be able to just love myself, or would i love the part of me that wants perfection? See this world is about perfection and about the self. I dont think i can live like that, but a part of me wants too. A part wants to be a better soul, a better me, a better mind.

My week was full of surprises last week. The tension in my heart against my dad broke and i told him straight out that i hate him. Then he only mocked me and said how can i be following this book called the Bible and then say such words. Then i said its all lies and everything relies from yourself. Man first i got to say i was stupid to act, but i am human and i will not be able to hold it in. My father has scared me, but i somewhat do not want to hate him. I feel as if i cant and i am not supposed to. Then i should pray for him to see what i see. But man, i just dont know how to start on this tough subject because my heart cannot even comprehend. Then that day Travis blew up and i may have made a mistake, but i need to push him. I have never been a brother, but i have had brothers and people who helped me and most of all the Lord Jesus. So i know i pushed him, but well worth it, because he will be stronger than ever. I just dont want him to mess up like i have seen others. I know i cannot push other mistakes upon him and learn and avoid them, but he has the heart of Christ. Then that night Silver came to my house and i was just shocked. She was totally different and i just do not know if i can trust her. But yet once again my heart speaks to do what is right. I tired to say the right words and do the right things. I thank Christ with the broken roads i walked on, because i would not be the man i am today. I would not have the words of wisdom or the words of love. I did not learn this from my parents or people, but from the Bible. I have to remember who i am. I need to. I need to remember to know i am not perfect, that i am a sinner, that i will fall, that i need to fall, that i need Jesus and know one else. My Passion In Life is to Know You, Christ.