A Mess Of Me

Praise night was awesome, i actually enjoyed praising, i enjoyed doing what i wish to do Lord, just praise him. Yet, there was so much emptiness, so much anger, so much thoughts running parallel with me that night. No one will understand fully except you Lord. I find it stupid that i have become like this, but it bugs me. It bugs me to think that i am alone every where i walk. I stand alone. People may say things, but truly i am alone physically. No one understands, but you. Ever since high school i was that quiet yet talk-able person, but at the end of the day it was just me. I could never find my place. I was always running from my problems and i was good at it, so good i did not feel pain. I would never have a set pair of friends, i would never have a set family to live with, i would never see light in my life that was cover by games, drugs, and just what ever i did. I remember i would just always go to Garrett's house to not go home when i was in late elementary and junior high. Then when i was younger i moved so much, went from one school to another, to this apartment to that apartment while my mom only took care of me. Thats why i love her so much, but i get mad at her for stupid reasons, but i wish i didnt. I wish i didnt. High school i made friends, but never had a true set of friends. I did not know who i was. I even lost my best friend at that time Garrett for the stupid life of being Chicano. Then late high school i just still didnt know who i was. I would hang out with derek and the guys, yet hangout with the asians. I would go home and find myself just doing hw and playing games. Then i liked two girls on my whole high school years and both fucked me over. Both made the worst scars. On top of that i never had a relationship, because i was shy, but i did go out with people, but i was always picky. Then end of high school i like two girls at my church. One was quite, one was some whats open like me. But i liked the one i knew first, who was quiet. But deep down something told me hey dude look at her she is everything you want. I even spent time with her somewhat and she spoke me out of my painful hardships. Doing drugs was painful. It somewhat feels the same as what i am feeling right now, but its different. My senior was full of pains. FULL. I wish i could have not went to prom, i wish i could have took Sunyoung. I wish i could have saved money and bought me a nice car, i wish i could have gone to a UC, i wish i could have not done drugs, i wish my dad and mom truly separated and not move back together, i wish i couldnt have been a pussy and do things right, i wish i could have just died then. Now i live with those consequences. Some have become good some have become worse. Some have impacted my career some have impacted my heart. Some have impacted my personality some have impacted my faith. I find myself struggling to find myself again. These past four months have been hell, but i never relied so much on Christ. I feel like i want to move to another state or country and start a new. I want to leave my problems at home, i want to leave the church that brings me love, yet hate. I want to let go of my thoughts of her and everyone that i put so much effort to care for and just care for myself or find people who understand me. I know it wont solve problems, but what does or what can besides Christ. How do you know what is true for that situation, the bible speaks over many ways to overcome, but then some instances are just over lapping and make it difficult to know what is right and when Satan is getting you twisted in the Word. Then i know i help Andy out, but truly i dont and truly i can understand him, but he cant towards me. I can talk to anyone and just get words of not understanding, but i can understand them. I do not know what to think about it, but just it feels like curse upon me and a blessing for others. I feel as if i look at the Word of Christ so abstract, when i shouldnt. I shouldnt say hey if i have faith he will walk me through. True, but what do i learn in that walk. To just think abstract? To just say hey i can get through this some time, just walk with out looking at the details on the road. What good is it to drive on the road, yet not see the scenery or go camping to fish, yet not stop and see the sky at night. Look at my dad he could have gotten a prosthetic for his leg, but instead he ran away from the painful learning and keep his leg which then has brought him longer pain that he hoped to not have and is continuing to kill him. As i saw Neto in the bed, i hope to never see my dad like that during this time, cuz i would go nuts. Truly, because i love him to death, but man he so hard headed and hard hearted which has made me to dislike him in so many different ways. I care my whole family and hope to see them grow in Christ too, but man the distance between us is far. This is why i feel so distant from everyone. Then at church i feel as if i go to be comforted, but partially. Then i go to run from problems, yet some are there too. Then im not korean. Then i do not have family there. Then i expect to be treated like family, but its never always like that especially with those who i wish did. Then i find myself being torn apart inside to the max. I do not know why i have this so hard and why it really has not been healed, but been cut open more. I keep falling, but harder. Yet i hope i am landing on you Lord. I hope that if people read this, that no matter how painful i may sound or stupid, i still have this hope you are who you are. Thats why i like that song from Desperation Band "Who You Are". Cuz you are God. Sorry i was saying the stupidest things i could have ever said. Anger is hard to control when you are pressed on all sides. Pressure needs to be released. Rather have you take it than others. See again i care for people, but what the hell i take it from them all the time. I try not to be mean, try not to be rude, hard-headed, hard-hearted. I try to look from their eyes cuz we need to at humans. I do not want people to be saying things if i pass away. I do not want people to hate each other, i do not want people to jump to conclusion, i do not want this war that Satan would want to see. I would rather have everyone say what did we do wrong in which he was aiming for. I was aiming for Christ Love. I was aiming to see others pains in Christ eyes. I was aiming to be patient. I was aiming to not be jealous. I was aiming to not fail. I was aiming to not be envious. I was aiming to not be angry. I was aiming to see Christ. For he never fails. I was aiming to have people see the Christ love in me. I was aiming to find someone who could have understood me, better than anyone else, but not higher than Christ. I was looking for the best in people. Thats why when i see Justin mad or tired i feel funny, because i do not know him like that. Then when i see andy or steven do something, i feel like i should do something about it. Then when i see the other kids, i just wish i knew how to talk to them. Then she is the hardest, cuz i feel when she goes through something and can see it. I feel as if i can relate, but ever since i went wrong, i lost the person which i thought i was close to. Every time i feel this emptiness, yet if i see her happy i am glad to see that more than myself being happy. She has it tough and thats what makes me patient and knowing that when i get jealous, sad, angry, or happy at her, it feels like it means something. I feel this so much for everyone. The only people in my life that are see the most are Church and home. So why shouldnt i feel like this. If someone thinks i am weird, guess what i do not make friends at school, i do not have free time to do as i please, i only got those things i see. For example i got to Pure on weds nights. Its great, but its empty without my church members or family. I love everyone. I care for everyone. So be happy too. Christ is good. I know deep down my heart says to say that. Once again sorry Lord. For i am a mess, but you are not. Make me pure. Make me like Gold. Make me white as snow as well as everyone i care for. I am not mad at anyone. Just hope i did something different. As of right now thats what i feel. I do have some happy moments with everyone and i remember them. I truly enjoyed what is of my life, cuz i grew closer to Christ, but the cost is heavy, its hard, and i expect know one to just have it quickly, getting closer to God is just beyond comprehension, but it is possible. Life is to short to not let Christ in. We need him. I thanks Justin, Nicole, JDSN, Sunyoung, Steven and others for teaching me or sharing with me something that is amazing.