I Will Go

I do not know where to go, or what to do, but i do know you will guide me Lord. This week i been tested in my faith and not sure how to take this. I do not know how to tell if it is truly you speaking to me. I feel so enclosed by your word, like if i want more from you, like i want to experience what many say is you. But am i that blind to not realize you have done that, or are doing that, yet i can not open my heart to you? Lord hear my cry for you. The same cry that David cried out, i need you Lord. I need you to be my center, to make me strong and not lose focus of my identity in you. So hard it is to pin point the situation that is tugging me. Like Brian Houston said, Peter himself got it right, saying you are the Christ, yet he denied you three times. Then he got into the boat and went after you in the water. He was walking, yet got scared of the waves and started to sink. Then Peter asked you to not do something, yet you said "Away from me Satan." Am i like Peter. Or am i worse where i do not understand your love. Where you love is more than truth, but protection as a morality for life. The laws are meant for morality, yet are broken with no guilt. But love as a law brings guilt, brings hope, brings change, brings something that you only can bring. Lord please by your grace show me your love. From that my life will be in your hands and will be filled with purpose. I will go for you, but my cries feel like they are not reaching you. I will never understand why or if they are, but that's for you to listen and do with. Your a loving God. Your a loving Shepard. Your a loving brother, loving father, for you bring a sense of security that nothing else will do. My past haunts me, my fears eat me, my desires destroy me, my envy re-characterizes me, my unfaithfulness pulls me from you, my thoughts cloud my heart, my anger murders everything even myself, my eyes separate your love from my reality, my mouth speaks two languages dividing my soul, my sense of touch deceives me from pleasure that you can only fill, my sense of hearing is meant to hear your word, yet is snared by this world's voice, my secrets and my sins kill me, where death feels the nearest it can be. I feel like the moon. Funny to say the moon too revolves around the sun. But also around the world. If i was the moon i would not want to revolve around the world, but the sun. Meaning you Lord Jesus. Yet i do both in real life. I revolve around the world and the sun. But what do i notice first, what do i see first, what feels like its closest to me, what do i face all the time. The world. It is cold in space and if i was the moon i would want the suns warmth. I would want the suns life. Lord the struggle for knowing who i am is tough. I need you only. This deception that our lives revolves around the world is meaningless. It brings a sense of joy that you Jesus, brought a way for the world to understand your heart and the fathers heart. Lord give me wings to fly. For i will go. HEAR MY BATTLE CRY TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT!