What a long and dreadful day...

Lord. Jesus. Why is it like this? Do i fool myself with your words? Do i still connect your words like a formula? Do i try to have you fulfill my desires with authority? I am lost, in thought. Seriously, im in a chapter of the book and Donald mentions how you spoke to him, for he knew that from that day forward life would not be the same. In a sense i feel jealous. I take that back i do feel jealous. I feel envy. Lord, it is a struggle like she said to fight yourself, or you can say the personality that i lost. I thought tonight as i sat down with the other guys, why is it that we change so quickly and people hate it. Or ignore you, because you act differently or your personality is different. Then i thought about how my past before i truly accepted you is cloudy. I can not remember events. I can not remember how i was with friends. How i was when i first arrived to the church. How i was with my family and how more importantly how i was with sunyoung. Why is it that i always come to her, why cant it be someone else? As i sat in the room with her and aaron, i seriously wanted to kill myself. I couldn't bare it. I couldn't understand why i was invisible. I am letting go of her, i am pushing her away, forcefully in my heart, but i find jealously and envy in the end. I guess i try dont know her like i thought i did. I guess like many of us at church we just become a second person. Including me. I dont know what, but i know i do too. But i felt so much pain lord. Like i have become so enclosed from society itself. Im just that kid that goes to church, school, and just does the same thing every day. What happen to the old me? I dont even know who i was. Its sad. Because...i dont know myself anymore. Do i try to hard to hide myself. Did i change into a person for the good of your works or did i just become the outcome of a forceful believer in you? Like man when i use to hang out with Chris, Shanty, Grecia, and Garrett. What the FUCK have i become? Then always seeing my friends. Mike, Derek, Karl. Shit i know i have you right? But is this what i am suppose to be like. The solo guy? The guy that goes to korean church? I guess i can not have both lifestyles. But i seriously lost a lot of me. I have become the shy, quiet, non social guy now. But is it worth it? Can i not have both? Why cant you answer me truly? Like what i am suppose to do with this part of my life? Even my own family is like what is up man? Jesus, it goes well until things like this happen. Its a never ending cycle. I bet Andy feels the same with his friends. So out casted. So like what happen? Thinking where did he go wrong? Thinking why it became like this? Wondering what happen to the great times together? I just dont know what to say, but that how much i really pray that you would hear my cry. Because to me it feels silent. Feels like you say what i needed, but it is hard to just keep the words. My faith has been so badly damaged by this struggle. That i guess i just have daily faith. Where i believe in you when i have a good day, but when its bad, its horribly bad. I dont know what to say. Today is finished. Tomorrow is a new i guess.