Like the Storms that Swiftly Come and Go

It is easy to find yourself at a daze when crazy weather is around. Its not the norm. Yet so dangerous we venture in it like we are some what attracted to it. We are amazed of how nature can be so calm yet change in a second to a huge storm. Lord i feel like that. With these storms rolling by everyday it seems to mimic my life symbolically. I see the light yet the next storm is rolling straight in. Every storm seems to be strong, but some how i become attracted to things that are not the norm or are something that has always called me to stair and look in amazement forgetting that i am in harms way. Its like that in my life. Today i feel like i see the break, but tomorrow can become the next storm, not knowing the intensity. Like every storm there will always be a similar storm in due time. Do i learn from them? Not sure. Seems like i forget things so quickly. I can remember knowledgeable matters, but when it comes to faith i forget easily. I think we all do. Lord i need you. I do not know what i do. Its scary, become i feel like i am sheltering myself with you as my shield in the storm, but is it you? Or is it me? Then i feel like i am running from the storm. I am blinded by the fierce winds and rain, looking for shelter, warmth, rest, but i stick out my arms hoping its you. When i do grab that first object is it you once again? I feel like i forgot how to hear you. I can read you word, yet feels like when i wake in the morning i am blinded in my storms. I know your there, but what if i grab the wrong things, think with the wrong mindset, try to force myself through the storm with my efforts. I am just walking right now. Not knowing what to do, feel, see, or hear. Right now i do not know what to think of church. Especially that. I grew there, i feel like i have a family there. But what is this constant attack from my heart and others saying its time to move on or life will get even tougher. Its true when i was a teenage it made sense to go there. But know as i grow into my adulthood, it has a big importance. I mean everyone is mostly korean. See how do i know if i will marry a korean women? If not how does my wife deal with this fact? Will she face it with awkwardness, loneliness, and so forth. I mean now i am feeling it. Its tough to not think these things, but its something that always bothers me. I mean why cant i just find a church that speaks english and is multicultural. People think i only hangout with korean people, but its not entirely true. I really thought it would not be tough to be making my church a part of my life for a long time, but it looks tough. I mean i cant even bring my own mom and family without think twice about the many reasons. Its going to be hard if i do transition. Because they all i got as family, but i do have some deep and small scars from everyone. But its normal. Yet they get me when i think of such things. Jesus you say to call upon you and you will come. Lord Jesus Christ come. Come swiftly. I do not know what i need truly. But come. These next weeks, Lord come. I truly need it. Need it to cover my sins, scars, doubts, and emotions that cloud my judgement so much. I do hope everyone is ok. It feels like i havent seen them in a while, but i miss them already. Just the thoughts haunts me. Same time i feel like i am running for her. But i am not. I just do not know why. I guess i did fall for her, but not for her truly being her. But just the fact that she asked me to Prom. It was my dream come true, but with the wrong intentions. I wanted to ask her the year before but i was afraid. I wanted to do the same thing while i was still in high school, but like always i make mistakes and just do not know how to deal with those situations. Its not my ball park. To many other guys maybe its easy. But yea i wish i had done things different and would have had the guts to do something smartly before even her asking me to Prom. I guess i truly do not know her for who she is. I may know her at church, but when we exit the walls of the church, we are different people. Like wise for everyone. Thats why i think we get hurt so easily. We think we are the same in and out side the walls, but we are not. I think thats why i feel like this in a sense. Then just many things that a lonely hispanic guy faces at church. I know how Molly and Daniel feel now. I know why we can not become multi-ethnic and other church can. We become somewhat two-face and forget that it is not a social place at church like the lunch tables at lunch in high school, but a home for everyone. No matter how much Pastor and JDSN think it can be done, at this rate it not working. Makes me want to step away in anger and selflessness. But i will only hurt those i care for. Would i dare to do that? Or do i deal with the pain, be silent and hurt myself for ever with storm after storm? It wont end if i stay, thats for sure. If not at church, family, if not family, friends, if not friends, myself.