His Love

Christ, i have yet to understand you. Most certainly i have been a fool to think i am fine. Yet mistakenly i am. Lord, many times i feel most distant from you such as Job felt. Lord i feel like Job, why do you let me continuously fall? Lord, is it the fact these past three years i lived a lie? I was most definitely lying ti myself? Did i let my emotions judge my thoughts upon you? Its hard to say Jesus, but many people speak of how you spoke to them personally, yet i really on your word and the words of others. Is that Faith? Like i told Steven tonight how much freedom i had before i came to Step with Christ Church, remarkably he proved a point; that if Satan wants me to be happy he will let you be if its in his path. For Gods path, he will hurt you continuously and from that you work. Is that your love? To have us go through pain to focus on you? To me its so hard to grasp that concept. Stupidly i been telling myself i do understand it, but honestly its beyond comprehension how that works. Lord, you know me. Why is it that i rely so much on finding my future partner? Is it because i look for love, but in the wrong places and especially in this particular area in my life. I am reading the book "Searching for God Knows what" and what am i looking for Christ. Jesus i am earnestly looking towards you, but with so many mind sets. Such as: I deserve this, how can you do this to me, why my fellow sister in Christ, how can you let this happen to me, why is it that i dream these dreams, and so much. Jesus, it hurts me to think such things of you, yet i cant help to say how much it pisses me off that it had to be her. It pisses me off how much i go to a Korean Church, how much my family goes through the same shit, yet i am here to just be the genuine pig and run in circles hoping that you will come miraculously. Lord this kills me, yet angry control so violently. Lord you say rejoice in times of hardships, how can i when it continues to worsen. Its like if the trash at the dump site is to be at full capacity, yet the drives continue to roll in. I have lost my way in how i use to be around certain people and i wish you can fix that in the rightful way. I do not want to be changed in how i am now, i do not want that, but to have the liveliness i use to to have, but much more with you involved. I feel like im back to Junior and Senior year of high school, going through depression. Lord, i keep reading Philippians 4 and Psalm 55. I try not to be anxious, yet i fight a war in my heart and mind. Lord, i try to not be so blinded in my actions. I try to rely on you. I try to obey you word, yet i missing the picture. You say rejoice, you say do whatever is noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable- arent my thoughts enough? My heart? Or is it that the knowledge i know is my enemy, how my emotions what to rational through my days. Again it says that you will guide my heart and minds with your love, but its failing. I only end up killing myself more inside. I feel like my mind is beyond age. Like Young said, i am mature compared to my peers. I guess its true, but what is its gain? What is it Lord. Jesus. Jesus. JESUS. Is my passion for you out of trying to earn you. Sometimes i feel like you didnt choose me, but i am wanting you to choose me. Sorry. Just hear my cry. My prayer, my petition, my words, my thoughts, my heart. I feel so selfish in my prayers right now, but Lord Jesus Christ, redeemer, Alpha, Omega, Love, Peacekeeper, Merciful Jesus, hear my cry. This year i hope. Jesus you are truth right, your hope, your love? LORD LORD LORD. It angers me how much i come to you yet, im stupid. Ill stop. Ill just say you can move mountains. Raise seas. Call the stars by name. My tone is so down. I wanna let go, but i cant. Somethings says to not to. I wish i had wings like a dove to fly. But not away from you, but towards you and knowing that my situations will be alright. Like Donald Miller says in his book, once we comprehend your love in all these problems then we can smile. Yet in all my problems, i have yet to smile. Hopefully things will work out in such a way it teaches me to be joyful in situations of pain and same time you can restore or even strengthen the relationship i so direly long for. Thats your love. This time with you. Yet i feel so stupid and ashamed. Lastly, still deep inside i can not see the light of this problem. Thats the most painful part, how much i doubt you.