Going to do Something Stupid

Lord, tomorrow i am going to do something stupid, but im looking to all possible ways for you to answer me. I have yet to have my faith work for your glory. I have lost all train of thoughts that i had last week. I realize that what my problems were last year are still with me. Will always be apart of me. Lord i will not attend church the first service and will probably not go to the second. I am not running from my problems, but searching in new areas for you answer. I do not know where to find you. I can not keep your word tight with me. I guess that why i focus so much on specific verses because i am afraid of you not answering. You know what hurts me at the most and what leads to me hurting for stupid things. It doesnt feel the same. Nothing does and i feel like i am forcing these things down, when i need to face them. Or just walk through the valley. Do i want to follow the valley i was once in, no! But i will have to go through another valley no matter what, can not keep hiding and running away. It will most certainly make things weird for a while for myself and everyone else i so dearly care for. But there is a point when growing up that i have to walk alone. As it is i walk alone. First i mean alone in physical form. I know i have you, but for me its though to always go to you. Second i do have physical form help, but not always. My family is just broken to the max and is just not worth talking about, because its just what it is. Church i have, but like my family tells me and other friends, your hispanic and they are korean. Will you be there your whole life? Will you cloud yourself from the world? As it is i kinda of did that. A lot of things i use to do just do not feel the same. Even at church. Church will never be perfect i know. But for me, its a different story. I will be living a lie to myself if i choose to think i can live a korean lifestyle. I would be dreaming if i think i can fit forever in this church and marry some korean person that would be apart of the church. But in the end im that hispanic guy. The one that does not understand the messages at times. Will listen to people speak in korean and expect to understand the full meaning. When i was younger kool, it did not mean much importance. But i am older it does. This is my future of where i lead my foundation. Where i will build my life around. I remember growing up, never finding the right place to fit in. I would make friends with skaters, blacks, white bro kids, cholos, koreans, and over all asians. I never had a special talent. I just tried to fit myself in. I never knew how to skate, ride a bike, i lived in an apartment, moved a lot when younger, was a geek at home and in class, but outside try to be hard and defiantly but myself in bad situations. But in the end was the person that came home to hardships and locked myself in my room playing games, hoping to be someone. Never full came true and i was always a loser in many people eyes. It was my thought that i can do it too, but i could never do it. No wonder why i had trouble with girls, i just was too plain and emotional. Never did things right. Till today i never do. I may feel happy and strong at times, but it always comes back to these thoughts and i know for sure i am doing something wrong in your eyes. I cant even hear or see you like other experience, but i only got your word. From that it is tough to hold. Honestly. It is tough. So tomorrow, let this be something new and just get slapped in the face with a rough road or smooth road.